So Robbie Williams has a new album coming out and is declaring himself "BACK". I surely think that yes
I'm listening to some random Scottish DJ interview him (as it's on in the office...i could have switched to another channel and...listen to some English DJ interview him. I stuck with the Devil I know).
Interviewers always ask the same stupid boring questions it's like listening to a 17 year old boy trying to chat up a 30 year old woman. Dancing around the issue acting all shy and backward when he should just ask her for a blow job. Whats she going to say...NO? No skin off your nose boy its not like your losing a blow job by asking an honest question and if she says yes then your one BJ up on the deal. A woman knows withing the first 5 minuets whether or not she is going to put her gear anywhere near yours just suck it up and take the hit...anyway bit off topic there.
No one ever ask honest questions anymore, "Your such a bawbag, how do you write such good music?" or "come on mate really! Girlfriend? Who you kidding?"
He then reads out questions from Scottish listeners. What I want to know is why can't people just be more fucking honest in life, "Joan from Coatbridge wants to know what your biggest challenge is?"
Naw, what Joan really wants to know is "If you were going to eat me out how long would you spend down there?"
Jessica from Ayr wonders "How long would I have to Rim you before you returned the favour?"
Beth from Oban asks "Do I have to swallow to get a record deal these days?"
Now that's an interview. I say bring back blind date! 3 questions to get to know a person...not as brutally honest as i would like but a good start.
Mr Bison
Warning
Friday, 4 September 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
Wood Work
Well it's on it's way speeding towards me only seems like yesterday I was blogging from Edinburgh with our show and now I'm busting my ass building sets and taking notes.
The thing people don't get is crew banter is the best kind of banter. Bunch of guys building stuff making fun of each other swearing I mean it's what being a man is all about. Of course in today's equal opportunities world, I embrace the influx of women techies wholeheartedly. As long as they can keep the banter low brow then there OK in my book.
So we're building the sets cutting wood hammering stuff and making jokes about screwing sideways when I try a quick fire game. Name of the game song titles that don't appear in the lyrics.
You've got the basics, Bohemian Rhapsody, Unchained Melody, hundred mile high city. Play along yourself there are some good ones when you get going.
Chuck is actually an extremely bright and knowledgeable bloke and rivals my team in the pub quiz stakes i thought he would clear this right up, "Paradise by the dashboard light by Meatloaf".
"Emmmmm i think that appears a few times mate".
After some heavy thinking he comes back with "Drops of Jupiter by train".
"Nope sorry man its in the first line", breaking my heart telling him hes wrong he literally was the worse person in the World to play this game with.
Not wanting to give up the wheels start turning hard and fast before smiling a huge smile and saying...."Wannabe by the Spice Girls".
I nearly passed out laughing so hard...men can be cruel.
Mr Bison
The thing people don't get is crew banter is the best kind of banter. Bunch of guys building stuff making fun of each other swearing I mean it's what being a man is all about. Of course in today's equal opportunities world, I embrace the influx of women techies wholeheartedly. As long as they can keep the banter low brow then there OK in my book.
So we're building the sets cutting wood hammering stuff and making jokes about screwing sideways when I try a quick fire game. Name of the game song titles that don't appear in the lyrics.
You've got the basics, Bohemian Rhapsody, Unchained Melody, hundred mile high city. Play along yourself there are some good ones when you get going.
Chuck is actually an extremely bright and knowledgeable bloke and rivals my team in the pub quiz stakes i thought he would clear this right up, "Paradise by the dashboard light by Meatloaf".
"Emmmmm i think that appears a few times mate".
After some heavy thinking he comes back with "Drops of Jupiter by train".
"Nope sorry man its in the first line", breaking my heart telling him hes wrong he literally was the worse person in the World to play this game with.
Not wanting to give up the wheels start turning hard and fast before smiling a huge smile and saying...."Wannabe by the Spice Girls".
I nearly passed out laughing so hard...men can be cruel.
Mr Bison
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Cash in the fridge
I was looking at an old you tube video about the most expensive thing ever brought on the Antiques Roadshow. It was in America & this good ol' boy had this old tatty rug he brought in for value.
Presenter "Where did you get this"
Jeff "oh I got it off my dad it was just sitting over the back of his chair for years never got around to throwing it away after he died"
Presenter "Well this is an handwoven blanket brought over by the pilgrams from England in the 1600's, I've only seen one of these before and it was in a museum...this is worth 10 million dollars"
Jeff "wow...I guess I shouldn't be using it to dry my balls then"?
Mr Bison
Presenter "Where did you get this"
Jeff "oh I got it off my dad it was just sitting over the back of his chair for years never got around to throwing it away after he died"
Presenter "Well this is an handwoven blanket brought over by the pilgrams from England in the 1600's, I've only seen one of these before and it was in a museum...this is worth 10 million dollars"
Jeff "wow...I guess I shouldn't be using it to dry my balls then"?
Mr Bison
Monday, 29 June 2009
Filp Flop Hot Pot
I love wearing flip flops and I'll wear them any chance I get. Sadly the only time you really can (when your a man) is on holiday. Dubai is the best place (although I will wear them in Edinburgh, fuck em snobby sods) and it makes me sad when its such a hot day and I'm clumping about in my big boots.
One day I was out drinking in Dubai for 9 hours, when I left the house its was a lovely and sunny and I didn't expect to getting V.I.P and an upscale vodka bar that night.
Me and the group get there at 9pm place isn't even open yet, I mean that's cool the fact it doesn't even need to open most of the night is a real crowd puller. I'm guessing the really cool places are only open for like an hour and they change it all the time. Cause we're above cool we get let in while the place is still closed, but we still have to pass the bouncers.
I'm still wearing my flip flops and there is no way I'll get let in no matter how well connected I am, plus I'll look a total tit, I haven't got knock back from a club since my last exam (12 hours drinking after a 3 hours Economic exam) most of us couldn't stand up.
So I'm looking sheepish but I'm trying not to draw attention to my feet but the guilt is unbearable, i begin to sweat heavily and my pockets feel like there crammed with contraband oh the pressure.
Just as I'm about to slink past behind the 23 year old graphic designer this massive hand jumps out to block me. Now i'm 6'2 so when a guy taller than me towers over and asks the question..."are you wearing flip flops"?
Now what would you do? My first reaction as an honest man is to admit it and just turn around. Or I can start to beg the large man to let me in please let me in.
With the fierce gaze burning into me I just take a deep breath look him right in the eyes...exhale with a snort and shrug my shoulders with a low voiced"naw".
"All right, have a good night". Classic, what are the odds that that would work if i didn't that in Scotland the bouncer would have beaten me with the fucking flip flops. This is the closest I've ever felt like James Bond and its a great feeling.
Mr Bison
One day I was out drinking in Dubai for 9 hours, when I left the house its was a lovely and sunny and I didn't expect to getting V.I.P and an upscale vodka bar that night.
Me and the group get there at 9pm place isn't even open yet, I mean that's cool the fact it doesn't even need to open most of the night is a real crowd puller. I'm guessing the really cool places are only open for like an hour and they change it all the time. Cause we're above cool we get let in while the place is still closed, but we still have to pass the bouncers.
I'm still wearing my flip flops and there is no way I'll get let in no matter how well connected I am, plus I'll look a total tit, I haven't got knock back from a club since my last exam (12 hours drinking after a 3 hours Economic exam) most of us couldn't stand up.
So I'm looking sheepish but I'm trying not to draw attention to my feet but the guilt is unbearable, i begin to sweat heavily and my pockets feel like there crammed with contraband oh the pressure.
Just as I'm about to slink past behind the 23 year old graphic designer this massive hand jumps out to block me. Now i'm 6'2 so when a guy taller than me towers over and asks the question..."are you wearing flip flops"?
Now what would you do? My first reaction as an honest man is to admit it and just turn around. Or I can start to beg the large man to let me in please let me in.
With the fierce gaze burning into me I just take a deep breath look him right in the eyes...exhale with a snort and shrug my shoulders with a low voiced"naw".
"All right, have a good night". Classic, what are the odds that that would work if i didn't that in Scotland the bouncer would have beaten me with the fucking flip flops. This is the closest I've ever felt like James Bond and its a great feeling.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 27 June 2009
The 360 Backhanding MP Game
OK, when you spend as much time as me jumping between pastimes and hobbies you meet some colourful people.
Some of them (I have noticed) love to lead conversations. Which is great don't get me wrong that's kind of the point...of having a point. You talk to get your point across...but when it's someone Else's story or point, why do they feel the need to piss on the guys chips...while hes still talking.
What is it with people who just instinctively disagree with you all the time, no matter what the subject?
I don't think I'm right all the time but even when people are pushing some home grown pish talk drudge up from there self inflated ego trips I just let them run with it. Smile, guffaw and chuckle when you think your meant to.
This I don't get, I'm an old school conversationalist, its your turn to talk when the other person is drinking his paint. When your drinking yours is there turn...and so on and so forth.
A few months ago I invented a game to pass the time when caught in a situation where no matter what you say the other person just takes the opposite view even if they aren't actually putting any real empirical evidence forward.
The you can only get points by making your opponent contradict themselves IN THE SAME CONVERSATION. Zero points if there is a break in the conversation you have to keep going until you score. Just keep them talking for as long as you can and try and slightly change your argument ever so slightly and watch how they follow suit until they go rough round on themselves.
Points are higher in the first 5 mins of the game and they decrease over time, after 30 mins you have to give up and agree with the person that you were wrong and your sorry you were ever born. It's a harsh trade off but i think the game is worth it to see people make total tits of themselves.
Tonight I broke my own personal best and managed to do it within 3 mins. I was going for a triple score which you can only achieve if you can convince the person to change there mind back to what it was originally.
Another night perhaps.
Mr Bison
Some of them (I have noticed) love to lead conversations. Which is great don't get me wrong that's kind of the point...of having a point. You talk to get your point across...but when it's someone Else's story or point, why do they feel the need to piss on the guys chips...while hes still talking.
What is it with people who just instinctively disagree with you all the time, no matter what the subject?
I don't think I'm right all the time but even when people are pushing some home grown pish talk drudge up from there self inflated ego trips I just let them run with it. Smile, guffaw and chuckle when you think your meant to.
This I don't get, I'm an old school conversationalist, its your turn to talk when the other person is drinking his paint. When your drinking yours is there turn...and so on and so forth.
A few months ago I invented a game to pass the time when caught in a situation where no matter what you say the other person just takes the opposite view even if they aren't actually putting any real empirical evidence forward.
The you can only get points by making your opponent contradict themselves IN THE SAME CONVERSATION. Zero points if there is a break in the conversation you have to keep going until you score. Just keep them talking for as long as you can and try and slightly change your argument ever so slightly and watch how they follow suit until they go rough round on themselves.
Points are higher in the first 5 mins of the game and they decrease over time, after 30 mins you have to give up and agree with the person that you were wrong and your sorry you were ever born. It's a harsh trade off but i think the game is worth it to see people make total tits of themselves.
Tonight I broke my own personal best and managed to do it within 3 mins. I was going for a triple score which you can only achieve if you can convince the person to change there mind back to what it was originally.
Another night perhaps.
Mr Bison
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sad Days
I' ve always been very witty, I wish I could say it was something I can control but it really isn't. Most of my intelligence is just all natural and comes from a subconscious level. Most things I say in response to other peoples quips I don't even know I'm saying them half the time. It's like a voice in my head just says exactly whats on my mind and I don't have the ability to stop myself from saying that. It's basically a form of radical honesty that makes people think i'm a bawbag.
My one rule is I only use my powers for good (sadly this isn't always the case), as I see to many intelligent folk just spend there time putting people down. I only use my quips to put smiles on peoples faces...which is why this story is a bit sad.
My Lawyer's daughter is still young but since she started talking I've noticed that she is a very sharp and converses amazingly, however she does act up as children do. One time when I was round she was acting up against her mothers instructions.
In true super nanny style mum put her on the naughty step, upon which the little one balled her eyes out begging for forgiveness. Once the time was up she was released from her faux prison and made to promise that the infraction she made would not happen again. Like all children the tears soon stopped and she sat up at the table and began to colour again.
I joined her and started drawing as best I could, I of course am in no way an artist. I tried my best to draw a happy smiling face to which I was asked, "Whats that"? Upon telling her that it was a picture of her I was then told, "That looks nothing like me, that's rubbish".
Being slightly hurt from this statement and completely forgetting that I was conversing with a small child I very coldly blurted out "well at least I didn't get put on the naughty step".
In a split second I took her happy bubbling smile away and replaced it with a mixture of shock and sadness.
I do feel awful about it.
Mr Bison
My one rule is I only use my powers for good (sadly this isn't always the case), as I see to many intelligent folk just spend there time putting people down. I only use my quips to put smiles on peoples faces...which is why this story is a bit sad.
My Lawyer's daughter is still young but since she started talking I've noticed that she is a very sharp and converses amazingly, however she does act up as children do. One time when I was round she was acting up against her mothers instructions.
In true super nanny style mum put her on the naughty step, upon which the little one balled her eyes out begging for forgiveness. Once the time was up she was released from her faux prison and made to promise that the infraction she made would not happen again. Like all children the tears soon stopped and she sat up at the table and began to colour again.
I joined her and started drawing as best I could, I of course am in no way an artist. I tried my best to draw a happy smiling face to which I was asked, "Whats that"? Upon telling her that it was a picture of her I was then told, "That looks nothing like me, that's rubbish".
Being slightly hurt from this statement and completely forgetting that I was conversing with a small child I very coldly blurted out "well at least I didn't get put on the naughty step".
In a split second I took her happy bubbling smile away and replaced it with a mixture of shock and sadness.
I do feel awful about it.
Mr Bison
Monday, 27 April 2009
Warning Otters
Ok, whats this about we were driving down to do this show in Stranraer on the A77 we see a few odd things.
The first being the most confusing sign ever it was a red triangle with a huge exclamation mark and the word "otters". This of course doesn't really explain much...do we need to beware the otters as they are dangerous? Do I need to need to speed to to escape there watery ways or slow down and appreciate them as the majestic kings of land and Sea?
Or is the name of the game just to shout OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of your voice into the drivers ear making him swerve and cruse the day of your birth?
Yes to the last one :-)
Mr Bison
The first being the most confusing sign ever it was a red triangle with a huge exclamation mark and the word "otters". This of course doesn't really explain much...do we need to beware the otters as they are dangerous? Do I need to need to speed to to escape there watery ways or slow down and appreciate them as the majestic kings of land and Sea?
Or is the name of the game just to shout OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of your voice into the drivers ear making him swerve and cruse the day of your birth?
Yes to the last one :-)
Mr Bison
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