Another funny line from a funny woman.
"How are you liking your new job?" I ask.
"Oh it's great I thought I knew how to drink, but working behind a bar you learn so many new ways to get wreaked on a nightly basis."
Classic!
Mr Bison
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Crazy Enough
I’m just back after watching an amazing show at the Underbelly. I had no idea what it was going to be like the title and the blurb were quite plain, “Storm Large – Crazy Enough” was the name of the show and the blurb was just the usual “5 stars, outstanding, energising show will rock your way of life”.
As most times the shows I do don’t finish till 22:30 I find it hard every year to see some of the late shows, which is a shame cause I am really quite filthy minded and enjoy like minded individuals, so the show is marked as quite inappropriate for everyone, regardless of age.
The venue is small (under 100 seats) and it is right under the bridge so you get the authentic cavern feel right away. The stage small and is only set up for a music gig but I still have no idea what the show is going to be like. So this huge amazonian woman comes out on stage and when the band are ready she opens her mouth and sings like a tormented angel, the song is harsh and sick but the way she carries herself is undeniably beautiful.
She then starts to explain about her life and the fact she was told from a young age that she would grow up to be just like her Mother, in an un-pc word “Crazy”. I start to tear up at this point as all I could think of is how tough that must be for a child to hear. We all want to grow up and be our own person it’s kind of the incentive of living, but it is hard enough to handle someone telling you chances are your going to go bald because of your genes, a million times worse to be told you will most likely see the inside of a padded cell and there nothing you can do about it.
She said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing day in & day out…and expects a different outcome. I finally realised that I’m a mad man just the same, I work day in, day out expecting my job to be just a bit different but in the end…the people are the same, the wages are the same and people don’t care how smart I am. Changing the way I work, the people around me etc doesn’t do anything need to change myself.
She then talks about her time as an addict, and she explains why she did it, “Heroine makes you feel small and invisible, safe, liked your tucked away in a pocket”. However, when you are performing you have to be big and visible and pretty much “Louder than God”. I’ve never been or ever known any drug users in my very sheltered life but I can understand completely on the positive aspects of feeling like your invisible and safe on a daily basis. I often think to myself you can’t lose if you don’t play, which is why I will never find the confidence to just talk to woman I like, tell her how I feel, as far as I’m concerned I’ve played and lost these games 50 times to many. In that instant I all I wanted to do was ask every girl in the room out, fuck it if husbands and boyfriends get pissed off about some fat guy trying to chat there woman up I just wanna get back in the game that second (a feeling I don’t have often).
However, their I was sitting in the dark wearing all black as I had just finished crewing for the evening but 15 minutes in she turns round in my direction and stares right at me with this amazingly sexy, troubled look as sweat literally pours off her, she keeps pawing at her skin tight, stretchy, little black dress, its a lot like sliding on a black condom. Relentlessly flashing her bra and pants to the whole audience while she screams in perfect pitch about the most horrifying parts of her life, I can’t help feeling like I’m in love. My legs are killing me from all the walking, my back aches from humping set everyday but right now as of this minute, I’m totally free (a feeling well worth £12).
At this point I finally realise that after 11 years I’ve finally cracked how to have a good time at the Fringe. Just do what feels right, don’t listen to the critics cause they aint listening to you. I went home feeling great like I could punch right through a brick wall; I floated home trying my best keep some of the songs in my head, anything to keep the feeling fresh.
People ask why I would go to the Fringe year in year out rather than go to Ibiza, Turkey etc where young people are “meant” to go cut loose and be free. I just smile quietly and remember that only in Scotland can you walk in to a dark, gloomy, dungeon and walk out feeling clean again.
Mr Bison (loves tall crazy chicks)
P.S The blurb was right the show did rock my world
As most times the shows I do don’t finish till 22:30 I find it hard every year to see some of the late shows, which is a shame cause I am really quite filthy minded and enjoy like minded individuals, so the show is marked as quite inappropriate for everyone, regardless of age.
The venue is small (under 100 seats) and it is right under the bridge so you get the authentic cavern feel right away. The stage small and is only set up for a music gig but I still have no idea what the show is going to be like. So this huge amazonian woman comes out on stage and when the band are ready she opens her mouth and sings like a tormented angel, the song is harsh and sick but the way she carries herself is undeniably beautiful.
She then starts to explain about her life and the fact she was told from a young age that she would grow up to be just like her Mother, in an un-pc word “Crazy”. I start to tear up at this point as all I could think of is how tough that must be for a child to hear. We all want to grow up and be our own person it’s kind of the incentive of living, but it is hard enough to handle someone telling you chances are your going to go bald because of your genes, a million times worse to be told you will most likely see the inside of a padded cell and there nothing you can do about it.
She said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing day in & day out…and expects a different outcome. I finally realised that I’m a mad man just the same, I work day in, day out expecting my job to be just a bit different but in the end…the people are the same, the wages are the same and people don’t care how smart I am. Changing the way I work, the people around me etc doesn’t do anything need to change myself.
She then talks about her time as an addict, and she explains why she did it, “Heroine makes you feel small and invisible, safe, liked your tucked away in a pocket”. However, when you are performing you have to be big and visible and pretty much “Louder than God”. I’ve never been or ever known any drug users in my very sheltered life but I can understand completely on the positive aspects of feeling like your invisible and safe on a daily basis. I often think to myself you can’t lose if you don’t play, which is why I will never find the confidence to just talk to woman I like, tell her how I feel, as far as I’m concerned I’ve played and lost these games 50 times to many. In that instant I all I wanted to do was ask every girl in the room out, fuck it if husbands and boyfriends get pissed off about some fat guy trying to chat there woman up I just wanna get back in the game that second (a feeling I don’t have often).
However, their I was sitting in the dark wearing all black as I had just finished crewing for the evening but 15 minutes in she turns round in my direction and stares right at me with this amazingly sexy, troubled look as sweat literally pours off her, she keeps pawing at her skin tight, stretchy, little black dress, its a lot like sliding on a black condom. Relentlessly flashing her bra and pants to the whole audience while she screams in perfect pitch about the most horrifying parts of her life, I can’t help feeling like I’m in love. My legs are killing me from all the walking, my back aches from humping set everyday but right now as of this minute, I’m totally free (a feeling well worth £12).
At this point I finally realise that after 11 years I’ve finally cracked how to have a good time at the Fringe. Just do what feels right, don’t listen to the critics cause they aint listening to you. I went home feeling great like I could punch right through a brick wall; I floated home trying my best keep some of the songs in my head, anything to keep the feeling fresh.
People ask why I would go to the Fringe year in year out rather than go to Ibiza, Turkey etc where young people are “meant” to go cut loose and be free. I just smile quietly and remember that only in Scotland can you walk in to a dark, gloomy, dungeon and walk out feeling clean again.
Mr Bison (loves tall crazy chicks)
P.S The blurb was right the show did rock my world
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Fringe Rules
These are the Fringe rules that I have been working on over the last 11 years, in the hope that many young ambitious youngsters will heed my advice and enjoy the Festival right away.
Rule one of the Fringe…don’t annoy the talent. When you see people walking around the street they would really like to be left alone, they obviously don’t want fans to approach them, as it would be never ending. In saying this, the man who told me this bit of advice has been stalking Richard Hearing for 11 years and on several “chance” encounters has said some really creepy things to him. So…morale of the story is
Rule two of the Fringe…beware of single white females. I’m a long standing believer that the Fringe programme should be clearly marked like the lonely hearts ads. One woman shows should be clearly labelled as the sad, lonely, attention grabbing hour long mind fucks they are. Its not like female comedians (who I love to bits) it’s just more self obsessed tripe from people who are slowing losing a grip on who they are.
Rule three of the Fringe…beware of bare feet. Bare feet from the cast members just screams pretentious tit wankery and it always spells disaster. If you are in a small venue with a bunch of tourists who don’t look like they are 100% on what’s going on and the cast come out in bare feet, I advise you just get up and leave. You already lost 10 bucks on the ticket price don’t lose an hour of your life watching the fevered dream of 4 awkward teens and a drama teacher with delusions of granger.
Rule four of the Fringe…don’t fuck with the tourists. These guys are your customers, they fill your seats and they hand over a lot of there hard earned (in some cases) money. They also will annoy the living fuck out of you if you let them, but you got to let it go. No matter what stupid pish they start spouting just smile, nod and if worse comes to worse get down on those knees.
Rule five of the Fringe…don’t burn the locals. People in Edinburgh have to put with the most ignorant people for the month of August and they do it with a smile. The locals are on strict instruction to be as helpful as possible to all you Nancy boys and Prima Donnas. Out of courtesy its best to antagonise them more than they already are (see rule four about annoying tourists).
Mr Bison
Rule one of the Fringe…don’t annoy the talent. When you see people walking around the street they would really like to be left alone, they obviously don’t want fans to approach them, as it would be never ending. In saying this, the man who told me this bit of advice has been stalking Richard Hearing for 11 years and on several “chance” encounters has said some really creepy things to him. So…morale of the story is
Rule two of the Fringe…beware of single white females. I’m a long standing believer that the Fringe programme should be clearly marked like the lonely hearts ads. One woman shows should be clearly labelled as the sad, lonely, attention grabbing hour long mind fucks they are. Its not like female comedians (who I love to bits) it’s just more self obsessed tripe from people who are slowing losing a grip on who they are.
Rule three of the Fringe…beware of bare feet. Bare feet from the cast members just screams pretentious tit wankery and it always spells disaster. If you are in a small venue with a bunch of tourists who don’t look like they are 100% on what’s going on and the cast come out in bare feet, I advise you just get up and leave. You already lost 10 bucks on the ticket price don’t lose an hour of your life watching the fevered dream of 4 awkward teens and a drama teacher with delusions of granger.
Rule four of the Fringe…don’t fuck with the tourists. These guys are your customers, they fill your seats and they hand over a lot of there hard earned (in some cases) money. They also will annoy the living fuck out of you if you let them, but you got to let it go. No matter what stupid pish they start spouting just smile, nod and if worse comes to worse get down on those knees.
Rule five of the Fringe…don’t burn the locals. People in Edinburgh have to put with the most ignorant people for the month of August and they do it with a smile. The locals are on strict instruction to be as helpful as possible to all you Nancy boys and Prima Donnas. Out of courtesy its best to antagonise them more than they already are (see rule four about annoying tourists).
Mr Bison
Friday, 6 August 2010
Top, Middle or Bottoms?
Driving the van in before the week starts we have a bit of time to kill. We decide to park up and grab some papers till its time to move. In this little newsagent we head to the back where the papers are kept and the place is pretty well stocked.
The shop in question has not so much a top shelf section…as it really is more a top, middle or bottom shelf section. There must have been 150 titles to choose from and I also noticed that behind the top shelf there was the “real top shelf” behind the actual top shelf. Looking at the juicy titles on show I could only imagine what was behind
“Don’t suppose this guy has a copy of The Economist” I say.
“It’s right there” my lawyer points out.
Sure enough underneath “Big Swinging Tits”, in between “Swingers Monthly” and “Classy Ass” is my copy of the Economist.
I take it to the counter and the guy picks it up shocked like and proceeds to hum and haw over it. As he scans it looking for the price I soon realise that he probably hasn’t sold this particular publication ever.
I eventually tell him its £4 and he agrees quickly and takes my money.
I sit down and begin to read my periodically of choice with a very interesting article about how the UK will profit under Margret Thatcher…I guess it was sitting there a while.
Mr Bison
The shop in question has not so much a top shelf section…as it really is more a top, middle or bottom shelf section. There must have been 150 titles to choose from and I also noticed that behind the top shelf there was the “real top shelf” behind the actual top shelf. Looking at the juicy titles on show I could only imagine what was behind
“Don’t suppose this guy has a copy of The Economist” I say.
“It’s right there” my lawyer points out.
Sure enough underneath “Big Swinging Tits”, in between “Swingers Monthly” and “Classy Ass” is my copy of the Economist.
I take it to the counter and the guy picks it up shocked like and proceeds to hum and haw over it. As he scans it looking for the price I soon realise that he probably hasn’t sold this particular publication ever.
I eventually tell him its £4 and he agrees quickly and takes my money.
I sit down and begin to read my periodically of choice with a very interesting article about how the UK will profit under Margret Thatcher…I guess it was sitting there a while.
Mr Bison
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Ned Baiting
Over the last few months I've been a totally different person, happy, content and loving life. In 28 years Ive never eaten mushrooms or salad or fruit etc. Now I'm eating my 5 a day & being nice to people etc, just seem to be alot more confident about life these days.
While leaving my local supermarket dressed to my best & off to a party I was walking past some youths, now there was only 3 of them so I wasn't to worried about
"Haw big man! Where you goin?"
Now on the scale of things its not that bad of a thing to be asked, but I didn't like the tone of it. Plus also I think a part of me is so happy because I'm confident to be myself (or I've grown tired of living).
"I'm away up the road to ride yer maw," I said coldly.
Slightly shocked he came back with "aye well I'm going to yours to shag yer da."
"Better check with your boyfriend first he looks the jealous type." I was pretty much pot commited at this point; I might was well get beaten up by everyone, I would probably die quicker.
Life is to short to waste letting NED's insult you with pish patter, I feel it was my duty to educate them in using their brains for something other than keeping their out of date Reebok hats in place.
I'm laughing about this now but lets face it next time I'm down at the supermarket I'll get jumped by 20 ten year olds and get stabbed to death. Don't feel sad when you hear the news, I am happy with the choices I've made, think of me fondly.
Mr Bison
While leaving my local supermarket dressed to my best & off to a party I was walking past some youths, now there was only 3 of them so I wasn't to worried about
"Haw big man! Where you goin?"
Now on the scale of things its not that bad of a thing to be asked, but I didn't like the tone of it. Plus also I think a part of me is so happy because I'm confident to be myself (or I've grown tired of living).
"I'm away up the road to ride yer maw," I said coldly.
Slightly shocked he came back with "aye well I'm going to yours to shag yer da."
"Better check with your boyfriend first he looks the jealous type." I was pretty much pot commited at this point; I might was well get beaten up by everyone, I would probably die quicker.
Life is to short to waste letting NED's insult you with pish patter, I feel it was my duty to educate them in using their brains for something other than keeping their out of date Reebok hats in place.
I'm laughing about this now but lets face it next time I'm down at the supermarket I'll get jumped by 20 ten year olds and get stabbed to death. Don't feel sad when you hear the news, I am happy with the choices I've made, think of me fondly.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 22 May 2010
7 Deadly Sins - Pride
Now of course I am not someone to make fun of peoples religion please don't think this blog is about that, I think having faith is great but its not me. I am always respectful when people start talking about what they believe in...but then again its 11am on a hot Saturday morning.
I was out shopping this morning & one of those really tatty pound shops in the mall was closing down so everything was half price. Now I'm not one for tacky signs stuck on the back of car windows but when they are that cheap I though why not.
So I can't decide on "Honk if your horny," or "Size matters," while I'm looking at them this guy comes up to me. Now me & personal space are always a big thing, so when some guy I don't know comes right up close to my shoulder I of course get very tense.
"You know that pride is one of the deadly sins," the now very scary man is telling me.
I of course try my anxiety reduction techniques to try and calm down and not freak out on, either a mad man or man of God. Either way it would be a messy result.
"Boosting is just the start, thinking that your better than others just because of your manhood is bigger,when you die and stand before Jesus do you think he will care how big it is?"
I took a few seconds and contemplated just brushing it off and walking away or perhaps just trying to explain that its just a humorous reference to the size of car. In the end in opted for..."Well yeah probably. Good looking guy, walks everywhere so he would have a good bod, works with wood in a creative industry, hangs about with a lot of guys, talks about peace and love a lot, likes a glass of wine now and again, throws a good dinner party I mean he even had his own fag hag. I think he would probably want a quick peek. He's more than welcome to have a look, I don't swing that way but hey he's Jesus you know I guess we owe him that much right?"
He soon left my personal space, the shop, the mall, the car park, postal code and perhaps the country.
Mr Bison
I was out shopping this morning & one of those really tatty pound shops in the mall was closing down so everything was half price. Now I'm not one for tacky signs stuck on the back of car windows but when they are that cheap I though why not.
So I can't decide on "Honk if your horny," or "Size matters," while I'm looking at them this guy comes up to me. Now me & personal space are always a big thing, so when some guy I don't know comes right up close to my shoulder I of course get very tense.
"You know that pride is one of the deadly sins," the now very scary man is telling me.
I of course try my anxiety reduction techniques to try and calm down and not freak out on, either a mad man or man of God. Either way it would be a messy result.
"Boosting is just the start, thinking that your better than others just because of your manhood is bigger,when you die and stand before Jesus do you think he will care how big it is?"
I took a few seconds and contemplated just brushing it off and walking away or perhaps just trying to explain that its just a humorous reference to the size of car. In the end in opted for..."Well yeah probably. Good looking guy, walks everywhere so he would have a good bod, works with wood in a creative industry, hangs about with a lot of guys, talks about peace and love a lot, likes a glass of wine now and again, throws a good dinner party I mean he even had his own fag hag. I think he would probably want a quick peek. He's more than welcome to have a look, I don't swing that way but hey he's Jesus you know I guess we owe him that much right?"
He soon left my personal space, the shop, the mall, the car park, postal code and perhaps the country.
Mr Bison
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Adverts
I am very troubled by this advert I saw today. It's the one where the mum comes into the room and tells her son that his room stinks and it isn't suitable when he has friends coming over, so he has to wash the room...you know the one. So he gets the magic product and gives the room a spray much to the delight of the 2 dirty slappers that appear at the end of the advert.
I get it like most adverts, use there product or don't get laid but, I mean, what kind of mum actively encourages her son to bring home 2 women at a time for some kinky teenage 3 way action.
"Wow this place smells great, I was just going to copy his chemistry notes but we might as well double tea bag him while we are here".
What a maw!
Mr Bison
I get it like most adverts, use there product or don't get laid but, I mean, what kind of mum actively encourages her son to bring home 2 women at a time for some kinky teenage 3 way action.
"Wow this place smells great, I was just going to copy his chemistry notes but we might as well double tea bag him while we are here".
What a maw!
Mr Bison
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Neighbours
Me and Little Annie were out on a fun day trip as we do from time to time. She usually has clothes to return so we do the shops as it were. I don't mind means I can get a subway and buy DVDs that I will only watch once and then have to keep forever (as i don't drink, smoke, Gamble or do drugs i of course have other addictions involving DVD's).
So we do the rounds Top Shop, Boots, HMV etc. I watch the man make Crepes for about 20mins (wasn't going to buy one but it reminds of of a story from Dubai which I need to tell one day).
We pop by mine for a cup of tea and I begin telling my dearest friend about my last love (loves a strong word but I refuse to say the word conquest when referring to women).
Now me and my neighbour don't speak too much but that's just the kind of folk we are. I started once when i was leaving the flat he opened his door in nothing but his boxers and just said, "Morning".
We were mid conversation in which i stated, "...was just a bit a fun it's not like she needs my cock to be happy".
As I open the door to see my neighbour locking up his bike, "Aye she needs the cock alright!" Came bellowing from behind me as I stepped aside Little Annie stood stunned at meeting my neighbour for the first time.
Poor lass , but i guess we are even for the boxer shorts instance.
Mr Bison
So we do the rounds Top Shop, Boots, HMV etc. I watch the man make Crepes for about 20mins (wasn't going to buy one but it reminds of of a story from Dubai which I need to tell one day).
We pop by mine for a cup of tea and I begin telling my dearest friend about my last love (loves a strong word but I refuse to say the word conquest when referring to women).
Now me and my neighbour don't speak too much but that's just the kind of folk we are. I started once when i was leaving the flat he opened his door in nothing but his boxers and just said, "Morning".
We were mid conversation in which i stated, "...was just a bit a fun it's not like she needs my cock to be happy".
As I open the door to see my neighbour locking up his bike, "Aye she needs the cock alright!" Came bellowing from behind me as I stepped aside Little Annie stood stunned at meeting my neighbour for the first time.
Poor lass , but i guess we are even for the boxer shorts instance.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Roll With It
Discussing Iron Man 2 with my friend Little Annie, I was saying that the 2 women in the film are very good. In the case of both charachters there hair colour needed to change. "I don't see Gwyneth dying her hair it's most likely a wig", I said.
"Aye Gwyneth Paltrow wigs it and Scarlett Johansson dyes it, cause that's how she rolls", Little Annie remarked.
I was slightly embarrassed to ask what that means as it would expose my uncoolness, but whatever it meant it sounded hot.
Mr Bison
"Aye Gwyneth Paltrow wigs it and Scarlett Johansson dyes it, cause that's how she rolls", Little Annie remarked.
I was slightly embarrassed to ask what that means as it would expose my uncoolness, but whatever it meant it sounded hot.
Mr Bison
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Post Off!
"Hi I'd like to send this package please."
"Thank you sir. Would you like it to arrive by tomorrow?"
"Emmmmm yeah you know what I would like that."
"Ok I can guarantee that it will arrive by 5pm tomorrow that will be £5.35."
"Aye that will be fucking right, its going to G83 that's Glasgow no Goa."
"Alright sir that will be 67 pence first class delivery."
"Dam straight it will be. I'll have a receipt as well."
"For 67 pence?"
"Aye. 67 pence."
"Ok sir."
I hate the post office, but then again the post office must hates me.
Mr Bison
"Thank you sir. Would you like it to arrive by tomorrow?"
"Emmmmm yeah you know what I would like that."
"Ok I can guarantee that it will arrive by 5pm tomorrow that will be £5.35."
"Aye that will be fucking right, its going to G83 that's Glasgow no Goa."
"Alright sir that will be 67 pence first class delivery."
"Dam straight it will be. I'll have a receipt as well."
"For 67 pence?"
"Aye. 67 pence."
"Ok sir."
I hate the post office, but then again the post office must hates me.
Mr Bison
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Fringe Tale
This one is from the first ever Fringe trip over 10 years ago now.
I was walking back to the venue at 3pm on a Sunny August day (walking down the hill away from the Pleseance courtyard). When this guy started to shout at me from the top of the hill. Since I didn't recognise him & he looked shady as hell i decided to ignore him.
I mean its 3pm on a Sunny day in Edinburgh whats the worse that can happen to me? So he then proceeds to run after me still shouting at me to stop.
At this point I get a bit freaked out (I mean a total stranger is now coming towards me & he wasn't to happy) so I begin to pick up the pace & try & put some distance between us.
So I'm now being chased by some guy down an Edinburgh street while hes screaming at me to stop. Not a single person even looks round or trys to help in any away it was like the scene in Ghost where the angry guy is shouting at the wimpy ghost on the train. People thought it was some kind of interactive street performance.
So by this point i think well what the fuck can I do other than confront the guy. He sounds English so if i hit him with a harsh Scottish accent and scream in his face till his ears bleed i might be able to discombobulate him enough to make good my escape.
I wait till he's right next to me then I turn round with clenched fists and scream "WHIT IS IT!"
He takes a second to recompose himself then simply says, "you want to buy some grass?"
"Grass?" I said in an attempt to understand the situation.
"Yeah I'm selling grass you want some?" Like it was a fucking copy of the Big Issue!
"Em no."
"Fair enough." He then turns to a guy that just walked past and proceeds to shout at him.
I only wish I could go back in time & get that man into a sales course or something. It was like a drug dealer youth training scheme guy. Selling drugs in Edinburgh I doubt he needed such a hard sell approach.
Mr Bison
I was walking back to the venue at 3pm on a Sunny August day (walking down the hill away from the Pleseance courtyard). When this guy started to shout at me from the top of the hill. Since I didn't recognise him & he looked shady as hell i decided to ignore him.
I mean its 3pm on a Sunny day in Edinburgh whats the worse that can happen to me? So he then proceeds to run after me still shouting at me to stop.
At this point I get a bit freaked out (I mean a total stranger is now coming towards me & he wasn't to happy) so I begin to pick up the pace & try & put some distance between us.
So I'm now being chased by some guy down an Edinburgh street while hes screaming at me to stop. Not a single person even looks round or trys to help in any away it was like the scene in Ghost where the angry guy is shouting at the wimpy ghost on the train. People thought it was some kind of interactive street performance.
So by this point i think well what the fuck can I do other than confront the guy. He sounds English so if i hit him with a harsh Scottish accent and scream in his face till his ears bleed i might be able to discombobulate him enough to make good my escape.
I wait till he's right next to me then I turn round with clenched fists and scream "WHIT IS IT!"
He takes a second to recompose himself then simply says, "you want to buy some grass?"
"Grass?" I said in an attempt to understand the situation.
"Yeah I'm selling grass you want some?" Like it was a fucking copy of the Big Issue!
"Em no."
"Fair enough." He then turns to a guy that just walked past and proceeds to shout at him.
I only wish I could go back in time & get that man into a sales course or something. It was like a drug dealer youth training scheme guy. Selling drugs in Edinburgh I doubt he needed such a hard sell approach.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Cougars
I was out at the weekend for Birthday drinks down the West End of Glasgow. One of the guys there was saying that his main thing for the weekend was to hook up with a cougar. Which is good I like people setting goals in there everyday life its how you reach for more the next day.
For those unaware, a “cougar” is an older woman who tries to appear younger than her age, in an effort to both snag a hot young man and, additionally, remain culturally relevant. Basically there like the Jason Bourne's of the MILF world, they like it hard fast and on there own terms.
At that point a woman in her 50's with an old style cardigan enters the bar and as a joke I point out and say, "there you go mate ones just walked in".
He turns round to look and then back to give me such a disappointing stare. "No mate Cougars are in there 40's really good looking and up for young guys, shes more like a leopard".
Fuck sake man there is such a thing of taking your life to seriously. Now at this point my over honest sensor kicked in and I was really tempted to point out that a guy over the 30 mark isn't really cougar bait is he. They don't want a well put together successful gentleman on the fast track to a country club membership & a toupee. They want a fucked up wretch of an adolescent who drinks excessively, no job, steals his neighbours Wi Fi and buys his I tunes on installments.
But of course I'm a different man now, got to let people be people you know.
Mr Bison
For those unaware, a “cougar” is an older woman who tries to appear younger than her age, in an effort to both snag a hot young man and, additionally, remain culturally relevant. Basically there like the Jason Bourne's of the MILF world, they like it hard fast and on there own terms.
At that point a woman in her 50's with an old style cardigan enters the bar and as a joke I point out and say, "there you go mate ones just walked in".
He turns round to look and then back to give me such a disappointing stare. "No mate Cougars are in there 40's really good looking and up for young guys, shes more like a leopard".
Fuck sake man there is such a thing of taking your life to seriously. Now at this point my over honest sensor kicked in and I was really tempted to point out that a guy over the 30 mark isn't really cougar bait is he. They don't want a well put together successful gentleman on the fast track to a country club membership & a toupee. They want a fucked up wretch of an adolescent who drinks excessively, no job, steals his neighbours Wi Fi and buys his I tunes on installments.
But of course I'm a different man now, got to let people be people you know.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Dirty Logic Test
I’m a huge fan of logic puzzles, like Sudoku or the ones where you get some information and you have to work out who lives in what house and who keeps snakes etc. Now I’m thinking of writing one of my own but with a Mr Bison twist.
I got the idea last week after this woman I know told me an interesting fact. I was explaining how in first year at Uni I was a member of the tattoo and body piercing society. The odd thing would be is that I don’t have any body modifications, but they were an accepting bunch.
While telling this story the woman responded by saying that she had a total of 5 piercings. Now using my Sherlock Holmes, CSI and Colombo skills I of course noticed that she only had one piercing in each ear…
Mr Bison
I got the idea last week after this woman I know told me an interesting fact. I was explaining how in first year at Uni I was a member of the tattoo and body piercing society. The odd thing would be is that I don’t have any body modifications, but they were an accepting bunch.
While telling this story the woman responded by saying that she had a total of 5 piercings. Now using my Sherlock Holmes, CSI and Colombo skills I of course noticed that she only had one piercing in each ear…
Mr Bison
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Grimm Tales
Once upon a time there was a big bad wolf, who wasn’t really a bad wolf. He just spent so long being perceived as big and bad that he couldn’t be anything else. But over the years he got used to the image so he began to act tough to keep his friends and associates happy. He kept a very big emotional distance between him and his wife, and never lavished the love and attention she deserved on her.
He didn't treat her bad or beat her, but he was much closed off when it came to there relationship. Over time she became board and wasn’t satisfied with the wolf she married, and she begins to look else ware for attention.
So one day the big bad wolf is down his local when all he sees are the wide grins of the people who once feared him. Unsure what the sniggering was about he proceeded to beat one of the patrons with a pool cue until someone came clean.
Turns out the 3 pig brothers (local home developers) had videotaped themselves spit roasting the wolfs wife in a sauna and the vid was now all round town.
The big bad wolf proceeded to drive straight over to the first brothers house to straighten him out. As luck would have it when he arrived at the straw house all the pigs were in attendance.
So the big bad wolf said "Come out, come out or I’ll blow your house down".
"Kiss ma hairy baws ya prick, your no eatin us" said the pigs. "If you could blow doon this house then maybe your misses wouldnae need a good porkin from us".
The big bad wolf knew this was true, he was to old to be blowing down things and the miscreant pigs did have a point perhaps his breath would be better spent telling his wife that he loved her and that she made him the happiest wolf in all the land.
But the pigs weren’t that smart, as the big bad wolf proceed to douse the straw house with petrol and then set it alight with the randy little pigs inside.
Morale of the story, don't be so distant to the ones you love as it may drive you to do unspeakable things...and don't video yourself shagging a wolfs wife.
Mr Bison
He didn't treat her bad or beat her, but he was much closed off when it came to there relationship. Over time she became board and wasn’t satisfied with the wolf she married, and she begins to look else ware for attention.
So one day the big bad wolf is down his local when all he sees are the wide grins of the people who once feared him. Unsure what the sniggering was about he proceeded to beat one of the patrons with a pool cue until someone came clean.
Turns out the 3 pig brothers (local home developers) had videotaped themselves spit roasting the wolfs wife in a sauna and the vid was now all round town.
The big bad wolf proceeded to drive straight over to the first brothers house to straighten him out. As luck would have it when he arrived at the straw house all the pigs were in attendance.
So the big bad wolf said "Come out, come out or I’ll blow your house down".
"Kiss ma hairy baws ya prick, your no eatin us" said the pigs. "If you could blow doon this house then maybe your misses wouldnae need a good porkin from us".
The big bad wolf knew this was true, he was to old to be blowing down things and the miscreant pigs did have a point perhaps his breath would be better spent telling his wife that he loved her and that she made him the happiest wolf in all the land.
But the pigs weren’t that smart, as the big bad wolf proceed to douse the straw house with petrol and then set it alight with the randy little pigs inside.
Morale of the story, don't be so distant to the ones you love as it may drive you to do unspeakable things...and don't video yourself shagging a wolfs wife.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Night at the movies
You ever seen that Liam Nesson film “Taken”? It’s about this guy who was a real bad ass CIA operative whose daughter goes to France because she knows better than him about everything. She of course gets kidnapped by a ruthless gang of people traffickers who intend to sell her to some guy who is kind of evil I guess since he buys women. Although he’s retired and not 100% in the game he manages to track her all over Europe killing numerous people in the process before bringing her home safe & unmolested where she then realises how great her father is even though he is a law unto himself & has violent tendencies when he doesn’t get his way.
It’s actually a remake of an old film with Dustin Hoffman & Robin Williams called “Hook”. Dustin Hoffman kidnap’s Robin Williams’s kids and takes them off to a distant land. In an attempt to get them back he must use what he learned in his old life to kill him in a bizarre twist of fate scenario before Hoffman molests his kids. After the fact the kids then forgive there murdering dad for his past & realise how lucky they are to have such a great father who would go to such murderous and cruel lengths to protect them.
Mr Bison
It’s actually a remake of an old film with Dustin Hoffman & Robin Williams called “Hook”. Dustin Hoffman kidnap’s Robin Williams’s kids and takes them off to a distant land. In an attempt to get them back he must use what he learned in his old life to kill him in a bizarre twist of fate scenario before Hoffman molests his kids. After the fact the kids then forgive there murdering dad for his past & realise how lucky they are to have such a great father who would go to such murderous and cruel lengths to protect them.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Warm Up, Warm Up!!!
Ok its cold I get it. I don't need the news to be a non stop reminder that if I leave my house I could die on the roads...or if I stay in my house I could freeze to death in my sleep. You know your Scottish when your talking to your friends down South who keep saying how cold it is but its not as cold as you up there...I didn't know what they were talking about until my car told me it was 20 degrees below zero when I left for work.
I just don't notice it, cold is cold I don't feel more or less cold based on the temperature, but living alone during this bad winter has made me notice something about my human behaviour and of course that’s what Economics is all about. According to Alfred Kinsey the average man’s sex drive will decrease in colder temperatures and even when you’re single that is true. It’s like that statistic, “men think about sex every 6 seconds”. But in the cold temperatures it takes longer to get back to thinking that fast.
Now as an Economist I’ve always had a little niggle about a product on the market, but it’s now (in my view) a very, very smart, this now leads us to my next lesson; what’s a Core Product & what’s an Augmented Product?
Core Products are your main kind starting products or the fundamental features of the product meet the users needs.
An Augmented Product is something that provides additional value to your purchase.
That’s when I realised that this product that I found so odd is actually a perfect example of a core & augmented product, developed & produced by the same company…condoms!
Your core product is…the condom, of course the fundamental features being to stop the spread of STD’s and pregnancy in women. You would think that would be enough for some people but no…ribbed for her pleasure!!!!!
Adding value by augmenting the core product to make it more pleasurable to women. Opening up the sale of condoms to basically…selfish men who want an easy fix for there lacklustre performances in the bedroom.
Then after that these condom companies took a product that you can’t really advertise heavily as it is a product with a big embarrassment factor (even in this day & age) and just made it more embarrassing…now with aesthetic to help you with premature ejaculation!!!! How on earth would you have the baws to buy that? They sell feather light ones so you can feel more why would you want one that makes you numb?
Users fundamentally need not to catch itchy cock diseases or get some lassie up the duff but now you can buy a rubber for every occasion. Now this used to make me wonder but after feeling the cold coming through the windows in the morning I’m contemplating wearing 3 socks to bed.
For the life of me I couldn’t imagine who on Earth would buy a condom that warms your cock? Is that not on par with putting ralgex on it? But in this sub zero temperatures you are literately taking your life in your hands…putting it in your hands or anyone’s hands.
I mean lets face it even single guys would buy them just to save them having to put the heating on…or risk rubbing the skin clean off it.
Here end'th the lesson
Mr Bison
I just don't notice it, cold is cold I don't feel more or less cold based on the temperature, but living alone during this bad winter has made me notice something about my human behaviour and of course that’s what Economics is all about. According to Alfred Kinsey the average man’s sex drive will decrease in colder temperatures and even when you’re single that is true. It’s like that statistic, “men think about sex every 6 seconds”. But in the cold temperatures it takes longer to get back to thinking that fast.
Now as an Economist I’ve always had a little niggle about a product on the market, but it’s now (in my view) a very, very smart, this now leads us to my next lesson; what’s a Core Product & what’s an Augmented Product?
Core Products are your main kind starting products or the fundamental features of the product meet the users needs.
An Augmented Product is something that provides additional value to your purchase.
That’s when I realised that this product that I found so odd is actually a perfect example of a core & augmented product, developed & produced by the same company…condoms!
Your core product is…the condom, of course the fundamental features being to stop the spread of STD’s and pregnancy in women. You would think that would be enough for some people but no…ribbed for her pleasure!!!!!
Adding value by augmenting the core product to make it more pleasurable to women. Opening up the sale of condoms to basically…selfish men who want an easy fix for there lacklustre performances in the bedroom.
Then after that these condom companies took a product that you can’t really advertise heavily as it is a product with a big embarrassment factor (even in this day & age) and just made it more embarrassing…now with aesthetic to help you with premature ejaculation!!!! How on earth would you have the baws to buy that? They sell feather light ones so you can feel more why would you want one that makes you numb?
Users fundamentally need not to catch itchy cock diseases or get some lassie up the duff but now you can buy a rubber for every occasion. Now this used to make me wonder but after feeling the cold coming through the windows in the morning I’m contemplating wearing 3 socks to bed.
For the life of me I couldn’t imagine who on Earth would buy a condom that warms your cock? Is that not on par with putting ralgex on it? But in this sub zero temperatures you are literately taking your life in your hands…putting it in your hands or anyone’s hands.
I mean lets face it even single guys would buy them just to save them having to put the heating on…or risk rubbing the skin clean off it.
Here end'th the lesson
Mr Bison
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