OK this one is for my Lawyer who has chosen, “that one where the demand goes up as prices goes up”. So for your enjoyment here is Mr Bison’s take on the economic anomaly of Luxury Goods.
The standard definition of a luxury good is…
“A good for which demand increases more than proportionally as income rises, contrast with inferior good and normal good. Luxury goods are said to have high income elasticity of demand: as people become more wealthy, they will buy more and more of the luxury good. This also means, however, that should there be a decline in income its demand will drop. It must be noted, though, that income elasticity of demand is not constant with respect to income, and may change sign at different levels of income. That is to say, a luxury good may become a normal good or even an inferior good at different income levels, e.g. a wealthy person stops buying increasing numbers of luxury cars for his automobile collection to start collecting airplanes (at such an income level, the luxury car would become an inferior good)”.
Now this is a tricky one not like a Law where you can make up a complex example with graphs and such. So let’s try and get this one over and done with, goods determined as luxuries act differently from normal goods. These kinds of goods usually have a little something extra added to them, as is owing one is a symbol of your accomplishment…or to show how big your baws are. Take your stereotypical ideal of a Pimp…lets call him Daddy C. Now, Daddy C has a twenty ho’s in his stable and he runs four blocks or so on the South Side. He makes some good scratch but not as good as his main rival Rich T, who works the other side of town and runs an equal number of girls and occupies the same amount of turf.
Let’s assume that each Pimps stable contains women of equal value, so that costs and profits will be the same, and that territory is determined by some kind of gang overlord so increasing there working areas isn’t an option. The only way to increase income is to steal the others customers (or Johns). Rich T knows that to move up in the World he has to show he’s got baws, this can be done through beatings, intimidation and drive by’s but he’s a nice Church going lad so the next best thing is to increase the Bling. Gold chains are definitely a luxury good as they have no aesthetic value at all, but people are impressed with the amount of Bling round his neck. The more expensive and elaborate the stuff the more people will buy. Johns see all this Bling and instantly start moving towards the more established Pimp…I mean he must be good if he can afford all this crap round his neck. As Rich T’s income increases sadly Daddy C’s income will decrease in this situation his demand for gold chains will decrease, his demand for luxury goods will be replaced for necessities, such as petrol and ammo, leave little in the budget for serious Bling.
With all this attention Rich T’s income begins to increase meaning he can afford even more Bling but as per the first example once his income increases so much Gold chains become run of the mill so demand for gold drops and he needs to move onto the next level of luxury in this case fully customised bullet proof Hum Vees.
Here endth the lesson
Mr Bison
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Lock in
At work today one of my team asked me if i was an Elvis fan, I replied quite sharply that that this was not the case. Upon my quick answer she enquired about the reasons behind this. I figure this is as good a time as any to tell the story of why I will never set foot in Stranraer again.
Now since my young days one of my favorite past times is the theatre not watching it but being part of it. I most of all love to dance, a fact that people who know me don't believe. But I can assure you when the beats are right I can dance anyone off the floor. For the last 10 years I have been a solid fixture in most local amateur dramatic companies and i have done a Fair bit of traveling in this capacity. One such trip was to the little port of Stranraer famous for its ferry's and popular as a stop off for Stag enthusiasts going to Ireland for the weekend.
The gang were doing a show down there in a local community hall (as we do form time to time I always like the idea of bringing theater to the places that don't have access to such facilities). As loyal crew i sign up and head down with the van. Show went without a hitch and we were all staying the night so we decide to hit the town for a few drinks. Oddly enough for a small place there was not a Pub were we could get a seat as all pups after 10pm became high volume rave halls for the local kids. We found a place called the cross keys and upon looking it seems like a dank and dreary hell hole and we all agree its the best place so far.
Last orders were not called and all the doors etc were shut over and the windows bolted before we realised we were caught in a very scary lock in. The drinks were free though so we didn't complain, until one of the locals got a bit out of hand. While singing in true club style he decided that perhaps it was time to harmonise with someone in the bar...meaning me.
So he shouts " You there, sing an Elvis song".
"emmmmm not really mate I don't know any". Hoping that this would turn his attention away from me didn't work as well as I thought.
"Don't you mess me about sing a fucking Elvis song NOW!!" I again protested as i didn't know any at which point he grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced my face into my pint. Of course me being the logical sort I thought one of my friends would step in. I look up and notice now one really taking an interest in what was happening to me. Again he repeated his request but again i refused on the grounds that I don't give into terrorists. At this point of the proceedings he punched me across the face, which is actually quite sore when you are being held by the back of the neck. I began to see my options shrink as the next punch was being lined up.
In a pinch when my principles aren't doing me much good I, of course, bend to peer pressure, "Commmme oneannna wahhhh so langoiola daaadhaa, ohhhh bolla heyna laidie laaaaaa" were the only words to come to mind but i sang that tune like Elvis himself. Happy with this fact my assailant released me and began to clap his hands happily to my merry rendition of Fake Hound Dog Blues in Prison.
Morale of the story is if you have allot of confidence you can outwit most drunks, then again i could have got a real kicking if he found my singing offensive. 50/50 I'm happy with my choice even although i didn't stand up for myself.
Mr Bison Has left the Building
Now since my young days one of my favorite past times is the theatre not watching it but being part of it. I most of all love to dance, a fact that people who know me don't believe. But I can assure you when the beats are right I can dance anyone off the floor. For the last 10 years I have been a solid fixture in most local amateur dramatic companies and i have done a Fair bit of traveling in this capacity. One such trip was to the little port of Stranraer famous for its ferry's and popular as a stop off for Stag enthusiasts going to Ireland for the weekend.
The gang were doing a show down there in a local community hall (as we do form time to time I always like the idea of bringing theater to the places that don't have access to such facilities). As loyal crew i sign up and head down with the van. Show went without a hitch and we were all staying the night so we decide to hit the town for a few drinks. Oddly enough for a small place there was not a Pub were we could get a seat as all pups after 10pm became high volume rave halls for the local kids. We found a place called the cross keys and upon looking it seems like a dank and dreary hell hole and we all agree its the best place so far.
Last orders were not called and all the doors etc were shut over and the windows bolted before we realised we were caught in a very scary lock in. The drinks were free though so we didn't complain, until one of the locals got a bit out of hand. While singing in true club style he decided that perhaps it was time to harmonise with someone in the bar...meaning me.
So he shouts " You there, sing an Elvis song".
"emmmmm not really mate I don't know any". Hoping that this would turn his attention away from me didn't work as well as I thought.
"Don't you mess me about sing a fucking Elvis song NOW!!" I again protested as i didn't know any at which point he grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced my face into my pint. Of course me being the logical sort I thought one of my friends would step in. I look up and notice now one really taking an interest in what was happening to me. Again he repeated his request but again i refused on the grounds that I don't give into terrorists. At this point of the proceedings he punched me across the face, which is actually quite sore when you are being held by the back of the neck. I began to see my options shrink as the next punch was being lined up.
In a pinch when my principles aren't doing me much good I, of course, bend to peer pressure, "Commmme oneannna wahhhh so langoiola daaadhaa, ohhhh bolla heyna laidie laaaaaa" were the only words to come to mind but i sang that tune like Elvis himself. Happy with this fact my assailant released me and began to clap his hands happily to my merry rendition of Fake Hound Dog Blues in Prison.
Morale of the story is if you have allot of confidence you can outwit most drunks, then again i could have got a real kicking if he found my singing offensive. 50/50 I'm happy with my choice even although i didn't stand up for myself.
Mr Bison Has left the Building
Friday, 25 April 2008
Learning Made Easy
At the moment work is kind of slow and I’m trying my best to find new things to improve my mind and skill base before we all end up on the street. Now the firm have been kind enough to send me on one course already (when I say send I got the morning off and went to the conference room) but I need more. No more economics lessons oh no, I'm hitting the people management side of things. I was told once that I had poor management skills (a statement that was soon retracted after I stopped helping everyone with there computer problems...perhaps I do have poor management skills)
Now I never knew how easy it is to sign up for courses this guy actually came into the work. Part time learning over the summer night courses once a week etc and even online learning. So to be an ECDL expert you need to of course have sat your basic ECDL course. I now my way around a keyboard but I never really bothered to get any proof of that fact making it hard to prove when I am looking for a job.
So i have singed up for the Basic ECDL which by all accounts I can have finished within a week if I so wished. But this course was only £50 and the offer of the day is pick any course and we will pay for it. I go see the adviser who isn’t like my idea of an advisor as he remained me of Arthur Daly. "What you after mate computers eh you like computers here how about this one £600 yours for free right now I’ll shake on it". Only after glancing it was a IT certified course in Networking installations...handy to know but a bit pointless in my current job.
"Alright not to worry mate what else you got on your mind then, how about this one improve your people management skills eh dancer. Very popular course this fills up fast you want it? I like your face fill the form out in the next 5 mins and we have a deal". Jeeze this is odd guy was so keen on getting me to take anything. Anyway it’s a HR course which does mean the student body will be highly female which in turn might be the answer to my crippling loneliness. I haven’t any luck with women since leaving uni, perhaps going back is just the answer.
So hand me my backpack, pass me my Matric card and point me in the direction of the Union...The Bison is going back to school.
Mr Bison
Now I never knew how easy it is to sign up for courses this guy actually came into the work. Part time learning over the summer night courses once a week etc and even online learning. So to be an ECDL expert you need to of course have sat your basic ECDL course. I now my way around a keyboard but I never really bothered to get any proof of that fact making it hard to prove when I am looking for a job.
So i have singed up for the Basic ECDL which by all accounts I can have finished within a week if I so wished. But this course was only £50 and the offer of the day is pick any course and we will pay for it. I go see the adviser who isn’t like my idea of an advisor as he remained me of Arthur Daly. "What you after mate computers eh you like computers here how about this one £600 yours for free right now I’ll shake on it". Only after glancing it was a IT certified course in Networking installations...handy to know but a bit pointless in my current job.
"Alright not to worry mate what else you got on your mind then, how about this one improve your people management skills eh dancer. Very popular course this fills up fast you want it? I like your face fill the form out in the next 5 mins and we have a deal". Jeeze this is odd guy was so keen on getting me to take anything. Anyway it’s a HR course which does mean the student body will be highly female which in turn might be the answer to my crippling loneliness. I haven’t any luck with women since leaving uni, perhaps going back is just the answer.
So hand me my backpack, pass me my Matric card and point me in the direction of the Union...The Bison is going back to school.
Mr Bison
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Lock In
This morning was quite troubling as when I was rushing out the door i soon relised that I couldent open it. For obvious secutirty reasons I had to hide my keys away in case someone broke in to steal them...so they could break in agian using them.
So while i'm raking through my flat wondering what the Hell to do i think to myself is this it is this how i'm going to die? Traped in my flat untill I starve. Of course you may say thats silly i could call someone to come and break down the door but I really cant cuase I would feel like a tit. I would rather die alone in the flat then call for help. Sadly it would be a long deth since by todays standards i wouldent relly need to go out i have enough food in the freezer to last me 2 months and the TV and Broadband would keep me enterianed. I could have a very comfterable death.
Hell i can even pay all my bills so that should keep the bailifs from the door, plus think of all the petrol money i would save not going out. I can think of worse ways to go...anyway the keys were in my sock drawer dont ask how they got in there.
Mr Bison Let loose at last
So while i'm raking through my flat wondering what the Hell to do i think to myself is this it is this how i'm going to die? Traped in my flat untill I starve. Of course you may say thats silly i could call someone to come and break down the door but I really cant cuase I would feel like a tit. I would rather die alone in the flat then call for help. Sadly it would be a long deth since by todays standards i wouldent relly need to go out i have enough food in the freezer to last me 2 months and the TV and Broadband would keep me enterianed. I could have a very comfterable death.
Hell i can even pay all my bills so that should keep the bailifs from the door, plus think of all the petrol money i would save not going out. I can think of worse ways to go...anyway the keys were in my sock drawer dont ask how they got in there.
Mr Bison Let loose at last
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Another Broken Link
"Coming up next part time magician Jonathon Creek solves the case" Hes not a part time Magician he develops illusions and uses his knowledge to solve cases that deify explanation.
God its like no one watches these shows I mean come on. I want to apply for this job at least I can spot massive errors like that and stop guys like me from going nuts and shouting at there flat screen TVs.
Now I happened to be watching a classic show "Rising Damp" the other day and it goes to show you that great writing can be done at anytime. Now Mr Rigby is the horrible racist yet still lovable landlord who spends his days being cruel to students and lusting after the lovely Miss Jones. For some reason Miss Jones was compiling about the size of her tits and of course Rigby is trying to be smooth and play the whole thing off as ludicrous as she has a lovely figure. "Now Miss Jones you have a hour glass figure".
"Yes well that may be but sometimes I wish I more sand". Nearly fell off my chair wit like that is very hard to come by these days and its nice to be remained about why these shows were so popular.
Mr Bison
God its like no one watches these shows I mean come on. I want to apply for this job at least I can spot massive errors like that and stop guys like me from going nuts and shouting at there flat screen TVs.
Now I happened to be watching a classic show "Rising Damp" the other day and it goes to show you that great writing can be done at anytime. Now Mr Rigby is the horrible racist yet still lovable landlord who spends his days being cruel to students and lusting after the lovely Miss Jones. For some reason Miss Jones was compiling about the size of her tits and of course Rigby is trying to be smooth and play the whole thing off as ludicrous as she has a lovely figure. "Now Miss Jones you have a hour glass figure".
"Yes well that may be but sometimes I wish I more sand". Nearly fell off my chair wit like that is very hard to come by these days and its nice to be remained about why these shows were so popular.
Mr Bison
Monday, 21 April 2008
TV Land
Now I hate reality Tv that's just a plain fact, the way I see it reality is what happens to me on a daily basis. I go down to the local chippy I don't want to end up on late night munchers show.
Now what I do enjoy are these crazy MTV shows with nutcases being nutcases like Jackass. Or Cribs watching rich sods talk about how great it is to be rich and have cool things or my personal fav Pimp my ride, where the average Joe gets his crap car customised to fuck by professional gangsters. Now as i watch this it gets me thinking how these shows are escalating and now its Pimp my house and Pimp my bike ect.
I'm currently in talks with MTV about my latest idea for a show...Pimp my Ho! Where annoyed pimps bring in there tired old Ho's and get them updated and put them out on the street again. We will see it one day trust me, its getting close.
Stay tuned for the follow up show Pimp my Pimp.
Mr Bison
Now what I do enjoy are these crazy MTV shows with nutcases being nutcases like Jackass. Or Cribs watching rich sods talk about how great it is to be rich and have cool things or my personal fav Pimp my ride, where the average Joe gets his crap car customised to fuck by professional gangsters. Now as i watch this it gets me thinking how these shows are escalating and now its Pimp my house and Pimp my bike ect.
I'm currently in talks with MTV about my latest idea for a show...Pimp my Ho! Where annoyed pimps bring in there tired old Ho's and get them updated and put them out on the street again. We will see it one day trust me, its getting close.
Stay tuned for the follow up show Pimp my Pimp.
Mr Bison
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Hull and Back
Well this may sound a bit odd but since moving out to my own place I now worry about life getting past me. Given the choice i would just sit in the flat all day only going out to work was making me a bit blue.
So time to shake things up, being terminally single i have no real issues about going places by myself. Cinema, shopping gigs holiday I don't care i like getting out having fun mixing it up with strangers.
So after getting into a little rut after coming in home from far far away land I decided to sake things up with a little trip down South. Now I have met people from all of the world and for some reason they still like keeping in touch who knows why.
So option 1 Hull. Never been, hear its a dump but good for a drink and a dance so I say why not. Booked a few nights took the day off work and left at 5am to drive down. Now when Google map says its 4 hours its 4 hours 5am was a bit extreme since the roads to Hull were empty because no one wants to go there. The hotel was extremely cheap because...no one wants to stay there. Threes loads of bars and clubs because no one wants to remember that they live in Hull.
Sadly the local ambiance wasn't up to much so after the first night I decided to split quick and hopefully not get charged for another nights stay.
So not off to a good start I'll admit and it cost me quite allot so I really don't see me doing much more of this but I have always wanted to go to Cardiff where they film Torchwood so perhaps just one more before I give up.
I feel like William Wallace venturing into England to teach you guys a lesson. What lesson I don't but you'll know when Ive taught it.
Mr Bison
So time to shake things up, being terminally single i have no real issues about going places by myself. Cinema, shopping gigs holiday I don't care i like getting out having fun mixing it up with strangers.
So after getting into a little rut after coming in home from far far away land I decided to sake things up with a little trip down South. Now I have met people from all of the world and for some reason they still like keeping in touch who knows why.
So option 1 Hull. Never been, hear its a dump but good for a drink and a dance so I say why not. Booked a few nights took the day off work and left at 5am to drive down. Now when Google map says its 4 hours its 4 hours 5am was a bit extreme since the roads to Hull were empty because no one wants to go there. The hotel was extremely cheap because...no one wants to stay there. Threes loads of bars and clubs because no one wants to remember that they live in Hull.
Sadly the local ambiance wasn't up to much so after the first night I decided to split quick and hopefully not get charged for another nights stay.
So not off to a good start I'll admit and it cost me quite allot so I really don't see me doing much more of this but I have always wanted to go to Cardiff where they film Torchwood so perhaps just one more before I give up.
I feel like William Wallace venturing into England to teach you guys a lesson. What lesson I don't but you'll know when Ive taught it.
Mr Bison
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Old Friends
I've had a fabulous day today, this kind of day doesn't come around very often in these years of my life. Having your own place and doing the 9 to 5 leaves little room for having random fun. Now in my younger days random fun was always to be had with my bestest friend in the whole wide World Little Annie. She is great to know and makes me happy to be around, the kind of girl that has a calming effect on you. No matter what crazy nonsense I'm spouting this week she always listens and is on hand to add a bit more crazy to the pot.
So I'm heading off to parts unknown this weekend seeing old friends and living it up fine style. For this little jont I needed some new threads lucky for me i have my own style Guru on had to help me out with all the little things. So a shopping trip is called for with a a call for some hip new threads. Now I have never paid more than £10 for a top but on this occasion I'm am now the proud owner of some really pricey boxers and a smashing little cardigan tee shirt combo. I wont spill on how much the trip cost me but I am starting to feel the buyers remorse.
Some dinner at the place that does the chicken which is prob them best meal I have had that wasn't swimming in some sort of curry in a long time, I see myself trying to cook the exact same thing for dinner next week, with no way near as good results.
Then down to the Local Loch to watch the Sunset, I don't have a camera phone and I never brought my camera and I hate to say I missed one perfect sunset, the swans were in good form and I managed to snap a picture using hers. We rushed to pick up a pack of munchies...3 stops to find out that they don't make them anymore. Or they have removed them from the market brought in a similar product and will wait 6 months to re release munchies under a different name. But if my girl wants munchies I wont stop until I get a packet. Managed to find a petrol station with one bag left at the shocking price of £2.19 i paid smiling knowing I had done the lords work.
Then back to hers to shout at the Fanny's on The Apprentice...friendship like this doesn't happen for everyone but I think everyone should have at least one part of there life that makes them feel this way.
Mr Bison
So I'm heading off to parts unknown this weekend seeing old friends and living it up fine style. For this little jont I needed some new threads lucky for me i have my own style Guru on had to help me out with all the little things. So a shopping trip is called for with a a call for some hip new threads. Now I have never paid more than £10 for a top but on this occasion I'm am now the proud owner of some really pricey boxers and a smashing little cardigan tee shirt combo. I wont spill on how much the trip cost me but I am starting to feel the buyers remorse.
Some dinner at the place that does the chicken which is prob them best meal I have had that wasn't swimming in some sort of curry in a long time, I see myself trying to cook the exact same thing for dinner next week, with no way near as good results.
Then down to the Local Loch to watch the Sunset, I don't have a camera phone and I never brought my camera and I hate to say I missed one perfect sunset, the swans were in good form and I managed to snap a picture using hers. We rushed to pick up a pack of munchies...3 stops to find out that they don't make them anymore. Or they have removed them from the market brought in a similar product and will wait 6 months to re release munchies under a different name. But if my girl wants munchies I wont stop until I get a packet. Managed to find a petrol station with one bag left at the shocking price of £2.19 i paid smiling knowing I had done the lords work.
Then back to hers to shout at the Fanny's on The Apprentice...friendship like this doesn't happen for everyone but I think everyone should have at least one part of there life that makes them feel this way.
Mr Bison
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Spring Step
Now I would like to take a quick second to explain something for the benefit of Auntie Bison currently living in far far away land. Over there it's all sunshine and good vibes but we all know that here in Scotland its very tough to get through the Winter months without booze, shopping and football.
Now today is a very special day on the calender and I will be interested in seeing how many other people notice the same thing. The cold Winter mouths make the fairer sex wrap up and pour on the layers. But as the sun begins to pop out from behind the clouds and the nights are just a bit warmer those Wylie little creatures begin to shed those layers and all this culminates to the one day after months of covering up your walking down the street and there is a great massive pair bunching down towards you. You take a few seconds to process the information in your brain and eventually you say to yourself "Oh yeah that's what cleavage looks like". The you put a smile on your face and you lift that head up from its down cast position you hear it crack in place looking up and start to draw it all in. All in all I would class today as "Tit Tuesday"
Sunshine and good vibes you feel that much happier and the World doest suck as much each breath seems to last that little bit longer and you relax yourself into a nice little grove.
Now for Women you see it as this...its the day that those lovely boys on the beat start to wear those tight little T Shirts underneath there big stab vests. Budging muscles poking out of there little tops showing all those women young and old alike there bare arms just like God intended.
Now I think we Scots are a blessed bunch, although Auntie Bison and the rest of far far away land get this everyday I think the time we spend huddled together in the dark makes us more grateful for the time we aren't.
Enjoy it while to can
Mr Bison
Now today is a very special day on the calender and I will be interested in seeing how many other people notice the same thing. The cold Winter mouths make the fairer sex wrap up and pour on the layers. But as the sun begins to pop out from behind the clouds and the nights are just a bit warmer those Wylie little creatures begin to shed those layers and all this culminates to the one day after months of covering up your walking down the street and there is a great massive pair bunching down towards you. You take a few seconds to process the information in your brain and eventually you say to yourself "Oh yeah that's what cleavage looks like". The you put a smile on your face and you lift that head up from its down cast position you hear it crack in place looking up and start to draw it all in. All in all I would class today as "Tit Tuesday"
Sunshine and good vibes you feel that much happier and the World doest suck as much each breath seems to last that little bit longer and you relax yourself into a nice little grove.
Now for Women you see it as this...its the day that those lovely boys on the beat start to wear those tight little T Shirts underneath there big stab vests. Budging muscles poking out of there little tops showing all those women young and old alike there bare arms just like God intended.
Now I think we Scots are a blessed bunch, although Auntie Bison and the rest of far far away land get this everyday I think the time we spend huddled together in the dark makes us more grateful for the time we aren't.
Enjoy it while to can
Mr Bison
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Comfortably Numb
After visiting with a friend of mine, Del Boy, who has lived more in his life time than most people will ever do. He told me of a time in his youth when he put his friendship to the test. Keep in mind this story takes place prob about twenty years ago when life was a lot simpler back then.
In the story my mate takes a tube of Bongelia and covers the whole tube with a black tape. During a night out he whispers in his mates ear and shows him the tube now covered, "Try this its stallion cream...rub it on your knob stay hard for hours".
Now of course whats that saying, beware of Greeks bearing gifts? No one would be daft enough to accept a gift that promising...so the next step is to sell him the cream!!!! Ten Bucks and its all his only used once just to test it out himself, the joke now splits in two as my friend is nine bucks up on the deal anything else after this is just gravy.
A few days later he makes some discreet enquiries about the creams success rate. "Oh man it was so odd I covered my knob in it and I just couldn't feel it at all".
Keeping a straight face, "That right"?
"Yeah but after I did my wife she couldn't feel anything either she was numb for hours even started to piss herself without knowing". I don't think he ever did figure it out. I mean why would you you never suspect your friends to do something that bad to you.
In no way can I condone something like this but is sure made me laugh.
Mr Bison
In the story my mate takes a tube of Bongelia and covers the whole tube with a black tape. During a night out he whispers in his mates ear and shows him the tube now covered, "Try this its stallion cream...rub it on your knob stay hard for hours".
Now of course whats that saying, beware of Greeks bearing gifts? No one would be daft enough to accept a gift that promising...so the next step is to sell him the cream!!!! Ten Bucks and its all his only used once just to test it out himself, the joke now splits in two as my friend is nine bucks up on the deal anything else after this is just gravy.
A few days later he makes some discreet enquiries about the creams success rate. "Oh man it was so odd I covered my knob in it and I just couldn't feel it at all".
Keeping a straight face, "That right"?
"Yeah but after I did my wife she couldn't feel anything either she was numb for hours even started to piss herself without knowing". I don't think he ever did figure it out. I mean why would you you never suspect your friends to do something that bad to you.
In no way can I condone something like this but is sure made me laugh.
Mr Bison
Friday Night
Home alone again on a Friday where will it all end.
Now here's one that hit me like a ton of bricks, today at work I twisted my back doing the usual siting and standing nonsense. Happens form time to time so a quick stop off at asda to pick up some stuff and I'll grab some deep heat.
So I stop by the big one and grab a trolley and head off, keeping an eye out for all the deals of the day. I'm trying to lay off the ready meals so its lots of chicken and stuff all stuff you cook in that big thing that makes heat rather than the little thing that nukes your food.
Anyway I limp down to the medicine aisle I am having trouble finding the deep heat...now of course I realise where would you keep the relief for back and muscle pain...THE BOTTOM SHELF. Right down on the floor where you have to bend or crouch down to get at them.
All hail the layout planner for he is all knowing
Mr Bison
Now here's one that hit me like a ton of bricks, today at work I twisted my back doing the usual siting and standing nonsense. Happens form time to time so a quick stop off at asda to pick up some stuff and I'll grab some deep heat.
So I stop by the big one and grab a trolley and head off, keeping an eye out for all the deals of the day. I'm trying to lay off the ready meals so its lots of chicken and stuff all stuff you cook in that big thing that makes heat rather than the little thing that nukes your food.
Anyway I limp down to the medicine aisle I am having trouble finding the deep heat...now of course I realise where would you keep the relief for back and muscle pain...THE BOTTOM SHELF. Right down on the floor where you have to bend or crouch down to get at them.
All hail the layout planner for he is all knowing
Mr Bison
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Step up 2
Well alas I do not have good news to report today. It was a bitter disappointing night where all my hopes and dreams were crushed. The tension was huge on lane 15 last night with a huge jump off from myself two strikes in the first two frames and poor Sampson couldn’t even pick up a spare.
I knew he was running scared as the crowd began to shout during my shots. My concentration levels were on top form as nothing could knock me off game. By the firth frame we began to even out. I tried to keep the pressure on but my arm was getting tired and I was griped by “The Fear.” What happens if I don’t win…what happens if I do?????? OMG I can’t handle that kind of pressure he might kill me. Who knows what he would do if he lost. By now I had made such a big thing about beating him everyone was watching. All I could hope for now is that he doesn’t get any more strikes even a spare could finish me. Lucky for he that’s just what happened, it got to the last frame with a ten pin lead. Now all I need is a strike or a spare and then I get another shoot to extend my lead. I get in position take a deep breath send that ball right down the middle with a huge crash of pins I was devastated to see 3 still standing.
It’s ok though all I need to do is knock them down and then get the extra shot to extend the lead. This time I go for a soft roll gliding it right toward the diagonal set up…I miss the lead pin and knock away only two. At this point I’m heartbroken; all I can hope for is that Sampson was some kind of freakish illness to kick in at this point. First shot he rolls the exact same shot as me so all that’s left is for him to miss just like I did and I walk away the winner.
Anyway he made the spare got the extra roll and beat me by 4 pins, final score 147 to 151. Not as high scoring as some people might think but I have never rolled 147 before but alas all this means nothing when I could taste the sweet sweet taste of victory on the tip of my tongue. God I feel crushed all I can do is keep up the training and hopefully one day my dream of destroying a dear friends life will come to pass.
So it is a day locked in the house with a bag of mistrals a tube of BBQ spare rib rice infusions (half empty at this point) and my new Sherlock Holmes box set to console me. All I can do now is wait for some kind of work event that involves bowling and hustle them.
Mr Bison
I knew he was running scared as the crowd began to shout during my shots. My concentration levels were on top form as nothing could knock me off game. By the firth frame we began to even out. I tried to keep the pressure on but my arm was getting tired and I was griped by “The Fear.” What happens if I don’t win…what happens if I do?????? OMG I can’t handle that kind of pressure he might kill me. Who knows what he would do if he lost. By now I had made such a big thing about beating him everyone was watching. All I could hope for now is that he doesn’t get any more strikes even a spare could finish me. Lucky for he that’s just what happened, it got to the last frame with a ten pin lead. Now all I need is a strike or a spare and then I get another shoot to extend my lead. I get in position take a deep breath send that ball right down the middle with a huge crash of pins I was devastated to see 3 still standing.
It’s ok though all I need to do is knock them down and then get the extra shot to extend the lead. This time I go for a soft roll gliding it right toward the diagonal set up…I miss the lead pin and knock away only two. At this point I’m heartbroken; all I can hope for is that Sampson was some kind of freakish illness to kick in at this point. First shot he rolls the exact same shot as me so all that’s left is for him to miss just like I did and I walk away the winner.
Anyway he made the spare got the extra roll and beat me by 4 pins, final score 147 to 151. Not as high scoring as some people might think but I have never rolled 147 before but alas all this means nothing when I could taste the sweet sweet taste of victory on the tip of my tongue. God I feel crushed all I can do is keep up the training and hopefully one day my dream of destroying a dear friends life will come to pass.
So it is a day locked in the house with a bag of mistrals a tube of BBQ spare rib rice infusions (half empty at this point) and my new Sherlock Holmes box set to console me. All I can do now is wait for some kind of work event that involves bowling and hustle them.
Mr Bison
Step Up
Evening All
For all you friends of Dr Kawashima out there I’m sure you are as addicted to getting at Brain Age of 20 just like me. At the moment I am stuck on 25 which is my actual age so I feel that to get a younger age I will need to start training like a Rocky montage. I have six eggs in the fridge I haven’t got around putting them in a glass and drinking them yet…I pray I doesn’t come to that.
Tonight is a big night in the Bison’s calendar as I have an appointment with destiny as I make a triumphant return to the World of Ten Pin Bowling. If this was some kind of crazy land were everything is a movie it would be “Step up 3: The Lanes”.
A young loner outcast with big dreams of bowling big time, finally returns to his home turf to square up against his long time friend/rival lets call him Sampson. Now Sampson is a great guy he has taught me a lot about what it means to be truly competitive in life. All rounder any sport kind of guy you name it he can kick your ass in it, and I have never ever beaten him in any contest that involves skill or actually physical endurance. I can kick his ass at poker but sadly I don’t count that as a real sport. So bowling is really the only other sport that a fat guy can excel in.
We used to play every week so it was easy to get my practice in, but due to life changes etc we don’t play at all anymore. So it’s a rare treat I can get another chance to show one of my closest friends up and make him feel a pain deep inside that I hope never goes away. In fact I often dream of him cursing the name Bison on his death bed…hopefully years and years from now but a beating like this from an unenthused, unsportsmanlike chump will probably crush him from this day to that.
I have a top speed of 22 MPH and as long as I keep it pretty much dead centre nothing is left standing at that speed. I keeping my mind clear and watching all the movies about blowing…which would be “Kingpin” and “The Big Lebowski” as far as I’m aware.
Wish me luck
Mr Bison
For all you friends of Dr Kawashima out there I’m sure you are as addicted to getting at Brain Age of 20 just like me. At the moment I am stuck on 25 which is my actual age so I feel that to get a younger age I will need to start training like a Rocky montage. I have six eggs in the fridge I haven’t got around putting them in a glass and drinking them yet…I pray I doesn’t come to that.
Tonight is a big night in the Bison’s calendar as I have an appointment with destiny as I make a triumphant return to the World of Ten Pin Bowling. If this was some kind of crazy land were everything is a movie it would be “Step up 3: The Lanes”.
A young loner outcast with big dreams of bowling big time, finally returns to his home turf to square up against his long time friend/rival lets call him Sampson. Now Sampson is a great guy he has taught me a lot about what it means to be truly competitive in life. All rounder any sport kind of guy you name it he can kick your ass in it, and I have never ever beaten him in any contest that involves skill or actually physical endurance. I can kick his ass at poker but sadly I don’t count that as a real sport. So bowling is really the only other sport that a fat guy can excel in.
We used to play every week so it was easy to get my practice in, but due to life changes etc we don’t play at all anymore. So it’s a rare treat I can get another chance to show one of my closest friends up and make him feel a pain deep inside that I hope never goes away. In fact I often dream of him cursing the name Bison on his death bed…hopefully years and years from now but a beating like this from an unenthused, unsportsmanlike chump will probably crush him from this day to that.
I have a top speed of 22 MPH and as long as I keep it pretty much dead centre nothing is left standing at that speed. I keeping my mind clear and watching all the movies about blowing…which would be “Kingpin” and “The Big Lebowski” as far as I’m aware.
Wish me luck
Mr Bison
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Suspicious Circumstances
Now today was an odd day indeed for those of you who hadn't heard, a lorry over turned last night on the M73 causing major disruptions and the motorway being shut down until 10am this morning.
In my life i had never heard of anything like this happening but once i searched the term...cows on the motorway i found that this kind of thing is a very common occurrence.
Now people often say to me that I'm a very nice guy but i have a bizarre paranoia about cows and what they get up to when were not around. It all started when i was young and i saw a cartoon about cows drinking tea in a field. One shouts CAR!!!! and then all drop down and eat grass innocently while the car drives by.
Also what the hell makes them so special that they can tell when its going to rain, when God was dishing out the powers why didn't we get that little gem. Advanced weather warnings would save thousands of lives. Giving it to the cows doesn't help in any way.
Now all i can think about as i drive past them is what are they up to, what they thinking do they know what we have in store for them...I've eaten my share of there kind perhaps they now. Can they smell blood?
So with all these little "accidents" going on around the country i can only think that perhaps they are not as isolated as we think. Perhaps during transport they begin to moo in unison which can cause the driver to lose control. Once the lorry is on its side they make a break for it. Scotland's full of roaming fields of gold they could hide out and live life on the lamb...so to speak. Live there life free to get up to whatever diabolical plans they have. Perhaps that's why we eat them to make sure the older more wise cows don't get a chance to train up younger more energetic followers to take over the fight...whatever that may be.
The cows were all caught this time and lucky for us the driver was not hurt but 4 managed to make a break for it and it met with a sad end.
"All four animals died. One was struck by a train, one by a lorry and the others were shot by a police marksman. "
Some people say the shooting of unarmed cows may be excessive, such drastic action makes me think the government knows something we don't.
Keep watching the fields
Mr Bison
In my life i had never heard of anything like this happening but once i searched the term...cows on the motorway i found that this kind of thing is a very common occurrence.
Now people often say to me that I'm a very nice guy but i have a bizarre paranoia about cows and what they get up to when were not around. It all started when i was young and i saw a cartoon about cows drinking tea in a field. One shouts CAR!!!! and then all drop down and eat grass innocently while the car drives by.
Also what the hell makes them so special that they can tell when its going to rain, when God was dishing out the powers why didn't we get that little gem. Advanced weather warnings would save thousands of lives. Giving it to the cows doesn't help in any way.
Now all i can think about as i drive past them is what are they up to, what they thinking do they know what we have in store for them...I've eaten my share of there kind perhaps they now. Can they smell blood?
So with all these little "accidents" going on around the country i can only think that perhaps they are not as isolated as we think. Perhaps during transport they begin to moo in unison which can cause the driver to lose control. Once the lorry is on its side they make a break for it. Scotland's full of roaming fields of gold they could hide out and live life on the lamb...so to speak. Live there life free to get up to whatever diabolical plans they have. Perhaps that's why we eat them to make sure the older more wise cows don't get a chance to train up younger more energetic followers to take over the fight...whatever that may be.
The cows were all caught this time and lucky for us the driver was not hurt but 4 managed to make a break for it and it met with a sad end.
"All four animals died. One was struck by a train, one by a lorry and the others were shot by a police marksman. "
Some people say the shooting of unarmed cows may be excessive, such drastic action makes me think the government knows something we don't.
Keep watching the fields
Mr Bison
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