Warning Otters

Ok, whats this about we were driving down to do this show in Stranraer on the A77 we see a few odd things.

The first being the most confusing sign ever it was a red triangle with a huge exclamation mark and the word "otters". This of course doesn't really explain much...do we need to beware the otters as they are dangerous? Do I need to need to speed to to escape there watery ways or slow down and appreciate them as the majestic kings of land and Sea?

Or is the name of the game just to shout OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of your voice into the drivers ear making him swerve and cruse the day of your birth?

Yes to the last one :-)

Mr Bison

Love Potion Rankings

Ok here's one from a little conversation between me an my lawyer. Listening to some of my top 500 tunes he noticed that "Love Potion Number #9" was on one of my CD's. I of course started to go on about how the song had everything. Guy has a problem he goes out and solves it using a the capitalist structure of supply and demand. He demanded a potion to improve his chances with women and some creepy woman with gold teeth (and I'm guessing no valid business licence) was happy to assit him.


This then got me thinking...if she made him love potion number #9...does that mean there is love potions from 1-8 as well? Otherwise shes just adding numbers onto the end of her products for no reason. By this logic out of all the love potions she has she has pre determined that number #9 is the one he needs.


Since she doesn't really ask him nay questions about the type of girl he wants to attract then we can only assume that the numbering system is not based on any type specific attraction points and that it is based on how unappealing the individual is.


So this guy is #9 which must be quite strong so we can assume he is a bit of a minger. Perhaps he likes Star Trek just a bit to much and he puts women off by asking them to come aboard the Bridge and makes inappropriate jokes about firing the photon torpedo's.

For the purposes of this demonstration I've come up with a very simple graph as a possible indicator.

It ranges from your standard potion #1 user who is good looking but has some confidence issues. It makes him just a little bit more appealing but he can feel happy knowing hes going to get a good return for his potion intake.

At the other end of the scale are the total train wrecks who need a highly concentrated does.

Please keep in mind the potion doesn't actually make you more attractive to the potential mates it just gets you stoned off your ass so much you don't care anymore. Hence the real lesson here is only buy goods and services from recognised business's.


Mr Bison

Genius Idea

"I think pub games need to be more exciting. How about "Life and Death Jenga" with blocks so big if you topple them you may be crushed. If this catches on the games can be expanded to "Real life Buckaroo" where contestants have to stack mining equipment onto a live mule."

Thats my idea for the show "Genius" I watched it and have spent all week trying to work out which one of my nutcase ideas I could send in.

This one has been on my mind since my Uni days. After noticing these large connect four games in certain pubs I though about all the games that would be much more fun...if they were just made a hell of alot bigger.

It has everything drunk guys and possible serious injury and a chance to be a big man in front of the ladies...if you win then you have the thrill of hurting a fellow human being without the guilt aspects. If you lose well chicks dig scars, every body's a winner. Just one of you doesn't have to go to hospital after being kicked by an angry mule.

Mr Bison

Sunday Tunes

So I'm sitting today and for the 4th week in a row at the exact same time I'm getting blasted with really really stupid music. Top level floor shaking volume always the same songs every week...I mean how can you really chill out on a Sunday listening to songs cranked up to the max?

I on the other hand consider myself a very considerate neighbour...I only play good music!

Mr Bison

Quiz Night

Now I love Quiz's anything to do with fun and games etc I love to play and I love to win.

What I hate is a crooked quiz that we can never win...even worse when the guy fixes it for us to win!!!! That really sets me off. We once lost to a team who got every question right inlcuding one question that was misleading. It was like answering a question that no one asked.

So with all this tension going on I thought it best not to go back for a while perhaps he would get fired and we can all go back to a nice night in the pub like the olds days.

Alas that is not what happened, i'm going to spend all of tomorrow kicking myself over ones I should have got.

Mr Bison

Little Twist

When I started blogging I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. Wanted to see if I would make it as an internationally famous blogger based on my own merits. But lets be honest no international blog scouts are trolling through these pages while smoking huge Havana cigars screaming at there PA’s for fresh coffee before jumping on the five am conference call to LA. Even if they were they would only go for the real sleazy blogs you know the naked truth about life as steal worker. Sexy romps in the back of your local charity shops.

So I decided to share the secret with some of my friends, just a few at first to get a bit of crit on the work so far. This includes Auntie Bison the most Scottish English woman I know who lives in a far off land. A few uni friends and now my trusted lawyer, who is a successful blogger himself. In all my years of knowing him I don't think I have ever had more encouragement than a the txt I got at 11pm last night "v.funny by the way". I now feel like I have arrived. It almost makes up for the tasteless caber tossing reference he threw at me last time I visited.

Word is less paranoid nonsense about cows and more economic run downs. Now I say the more I dig into this cow’s thing the more I get scared about leaving the house. Clearly they have human supporters and they know I’m getting close.

Mr Bison

Thursday Rant

Evening All

While waiting for the Hunt for Red October to start the little program link guy comes out with “A submarine is spotted off the coast of America if it’s an enemy can Sean Connery step up and stop them”? Of course not because he’s on the fucking Sub and it wasn't spotted at all, Alec Baldwin had to work it out fly round the World to sort it out.

How can anyone make a mistake like that!!!!! If you haven’t seen the film then you should be publicly flogged as it rocks on so many levels, I mean Connery kills some guy after being on screen for five minuets something he only does in Bond films. Even in the untouchables it takes him and hour to get round to it.

They must give these transition guys a synopsis of the things. You can’t expect these guys to write there own material for every show, there just there to give some snappy lines to get people hooked on some mediocre show with limited appeal that happens to be on next.

This will bug me for ages I have already written to Sky to complain I will let you know when they have got back to me.

Mr Bison

Shaved New World

Evening All

Now over the last god knows number of years of my life I have always found shaving the most distressing part of living. Ever since I was young I have needed to shave constantly as even one day of razor apathy can result in uncontrollable growth.

When I was 15 I began to grow my sideburns to an alarming size and quantity in an effort to appear more sophisticated. But being 6 foot at the tender age of 15 I didn’t find people questioning me much. The sideburns were unnecessary and as I found out ridiculous.

I often think that I would do better using a light sabre and the force to keep my chin whiskers at bay, but alas that cult I joined over the Internet wasn’t worth the paper my credit card statement is printed on.

Now it seems the way to go is back to the good old days, forget 5 blades of smooth easy gliding and super easy on magic shave gel. As I was approached by the shadiest of men, the Del Boy of the eBay era as it were. He spotted all the weaknesses in me and jumped right on top of them, “How much do you spend razors? I bet it’s a lot you know 5 blades 10 bucks each it all mounts up you know.” Just buying my first flat has made me quite thrifty over the last few months of course I was hooked.

“I have just the thing for you young man; cure all your shaving troubles in one week. The closest shave you will ever get and wont leave you itchy and red.” Another problem that I seem to have when shaving with the newer blades.

“The way to go is old style single edged replaceable blades, a badger hair brush and old style lathering soap. Enough disposable blades to last a year and all for the low low cost of 25 Bucks, that’s a special price to you my good friend my eBay customers pay a lot more.” Well now I’m sucked right in I mean think about it how long do those fancy 3, 4 and 5 blade razors last…2 weeks? 10 Bucks every 2 weeks from now until you die, plus the rate of inflation I’m a child of Economics of course I can’t say no.

So I pay up I get the kit and I set it all up stood in front of my huge bathroom mirror, lather up my badger brush and slowly coat my face in this thick soap.

Now I can whole heartily say that I have never had a closer shave…while at the same time I can whole heartily say that I have very little skin left on my face to shave tomorrow. Now the question is do I give up just because there’s a pint of blood gushing down my sink or do I stick it out for a few more weeks see how it goes. Perhaps this is the new trend I mean people are going back to old style mobile phones perhaps its time to see a return of the old style barber shops with the Sweeney Todd style straight razors. Trust you life in the hands of a professional I mean how dangerous can it be.

Try it now, all you men, put your head right back expose that Adams Apple and think of the scene from “From Russia with Love”…

Mr Bison