Over the last few months I've been a totally different person, happy, content and loving life. In 28 years Ive never eaten mushrooms or salad or fruit etc. Now I'm eating my 5 a day & being nice to people etc, just seem to be alot more confident about life these days.
While leaving my local supermarket dressed to my best & off to a party I was walking past some youths, now there was only 3 of them so I wasn't to worried about
"Haw big man! Where you goin?"
Now on the scale of things its not that bad of a thing to be asked, but I didn't like the tone of it. Plus also I think a part of me is so happy because I'm confident to be myself (or I've grown tired of living).
"I'm away up the road to ride yer maw," I said coldly.
Slightly shocked he came back with "aye well I'm going to yours to shag yer da."
"Better check with your boyfriend first he looks the jealous type." I was pretty much pot commited at this point; I might was well get beaten up by everyone, I would probably die quicker.
Life is to short to waste letting NED's insult you with pish patter, I feel it was my duty to educate them in using their brains for something other than keeping their out of date Reebok hats in place.
I'm laughing about this now but lets face it next time I'm down at the supermarket I'll get jumped by 20 ten year olds and get stabbed to death. Don't feel sad when you hear the news, I am happy with the choices I've made, think of me fondly.
Mr Bison
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Saturday, 22 May 2010
7 Deadly Sins - Pride
Now of course I am not someone to make fun of peoples religion please don't think this blog is about that, I think having faith is great but its not me. I am always respectful when people start talking about what they believe in...but then again its 11am on a hot Saturday morning.
I was out shopping this morning & one of those really tatty pound shops in the mall was closing down so everything was half price. Now I'm not one for tacky signs stuck on the back of car windows but when they are that cheap I though why not.
So I can't decide on "Honk if your horny," or "Size matters," while I'm looking at them this guy comes up to me. Now me & personal space are always a big thing, so when some guy I don't know comes right up close to my shoulder I of course get very tense.
"You know that pride is one of the deadly sins," the now very scary man is telling me.
I of course try my anxiety reduction techniques to try and calm down and not freak out on, either a mad man or man of God. Either way it would be a messy result.
"Boosting is just the start, thinking that your better than others just because of your manhood is bigger,when you die and stand before Jesus do you think he will care how big it is?"
I took a few seconds and contemplated just brushing it off and walking away or perhaps just trying to explain that its just a humorous reference to the size of car. In the end in opted for..."Well yeah probably. Good looking guy, walks everywhere so he would have a good bod, works with wood in a creative industry, hangs about with a lot of guys, talks about peace and love a lot, likes a glass of wine now and again, throws a good dinner party I mean he even had his own fag hag. I think he would probably want a quick peek. He's more than welcome to have a look, I don't swing that way but hey he's Jesus you know I guess we owe him that much right?"
He soon left my personal space, the shop, the mall, the car park, postal code and perhaps the country.
Mr Bison
I was out shopping this morning & one of those really tatty pound shops in the mall was closing down so everything was half price. Now I'm not one for tacky signs stuck on the back of car windows but when they are that cheap I though why not.
So I can't decide on "Honk if your horny," or "Size matters," while I'm looking at them this guy comes up to me. Now me & personal space are always a big thing, so when some guy I don't know comes right up close to my shoulder I of course get very tense.
"You know that pride is one of the deadly sins," the now very scary man is telling me.
I of course try my anxiety reduction techniques to try and calm down and not freak out on, either a mad man or man of God. Either way it would be a messy result.
"Boosting is just the start, thinking that your better than others just because of your manhood is bigger,when you die and stand before Jesus do you think he will care how big it is?"
I took a few seconds and contemplated just brushing it off and walking away or perhaps just trying to explain that its just a humorous reference to the size of car. In the end in opted for..."Well yeah probably. Good looking guy, walks everywhere so he would have a good bod, works with wood in a creative industry, hangs about with a lot of guys, talks about peace and love a lot, likes a glass of wine now and again, throws a good dinner party I mean he even had his own fag hag. I think he would probably want a quick peek. He's more than welcome to have a look, I don't swing that way but hey he's Jesus you know I guess we owe him that much right?"
He soon left my personal space, the shop, the mall, the car park, postal code and perhaps the country.
Mr Bison
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Adverts
I am very troubled by this advert I saw today. It's the one where the mum comes into the room and tells her son that his room stinks and it isn't suitable when he has friends coming over, so he has to wash the room...you know the one. So he gets the magic product and gives the room a spray much to the delight of the 2 dirty slappers that appear at the end of the advert.
I get it like most adverts, use there product or don't get laid but, I mean, what kind of mum actively encourages her son to bring home 2 women at a time for some kinky teenage 3 way action.
"Wow this place smells great, I was just going to copy his chemistry notes but we might as well double tea bag him while we are here".
What a maw!
Mr Bison
I get it like most adverts, use there product or don't get laid but, I mean, what kind of mum actively encourages her son to bring home 2 women at a time for some kinky teenage 3 way action.
"Wow this place smells great, I was just going to copy his chemistry notes but we might as well double tea bag him while we are here".
What a maw!
Mr Bison
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Neighbours
Me and Little Annie were out on a fun day trip as we do from time to time. She usually has clothes to return so we do the shops as it were. I don't mind means I can get a subway and buy DVDs that I will only watch once and then have to keep forever (as i don't drink, smoke, Gamble or do drugs i of course have other addictions involving DVD's).
So we do the rounds Top Shop, Boots, HMV etc. I watch the man make Crepes for about 20mins (wasn't going to buy one but it reminds of of a story from Dubai which I need to tell one day).
We pop by mine for a cup of tea and I begin telling my dearest friend about my last love (loves a strong word but I refuse to say the word conquest when referring to women).
Now me and my neighbour don't speak too much but that's just the kind of folk we are. I started once when i was leaving the flat he opened his door in nothing but his boxers and just said, "Morning".
We were mid conversation in which i stated, "...was just a bit a fun it's not like she needs my cock to be happy".
As I open the door to see my neighbour locking up his bike, "Aye she needs the cock alright!" Came bellowing from behind me as I stepped aside Little Annie stood stunned at meeting my neighbour for the first time.
Poor lass , but i guess we are even for the boxer shorts instance.
Mr Bison
So we do the rounds Top Shop, Boots, HMV etc. I watch the man make Crepes for about 20mins (wasn't going to buy one but it reminds of of a story from Dubai which I need to tell one day).
We pop by mine for a cup of tea and I begin telling my dearest friend about my last love (loves a strong word but I refuse to say the word conquest when referring to women).
Now me and my neighbour don't speak too much but that's just the kind of folk we are. I started once when i was leaving the flat he opened his door in nothing but his boxers and just said, "Morning".
We were mid conversation in which i stated, "...was just a bit a fun it's not like she needs my cock to be happy".
As I open the door to see my neighbour locking up his bike, "Aye she needs the cock alright!" Came bellowing from behind me as I stepped aside Little Annie stood stunned at meeting my neighbour for the first time.
Poor lass , but i guess we are even for the boxer shorts instance.
Mr Bison
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Roll With It
Discussing Iron Man 2 with my friend Little Annie, I was saying that the 2 women in the film are very good. In the case of both charachters there hair colour needed to change. "I don't see Gwyneth dying her hair it's most likely a wig", I said.
"Aye Gwyneth Paltrow wigs it and Scarlett Johansson dyes it, cause that's how she rolls", Little Annie remarked.
I was slightly embarrassed to ask what that means as it would expose my uncoolness, but whatever it meant it sounded hot.
Mr Bison
"Aye Gwyneth Paltrow wigs it and Scarlett Johansson dyes it, cause that's how she rolls", Little Annie remarked.
I was slightly embarrassed to ask what that means as it would expose my uncoolness, but whatever it meant it sounded hot.
Mr Bison
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Post Off!
"Hi I'd like to send this package please."
"Thank you sir. Would you like it to arrive by tomorrow?"
"Emmmmm yeah you know what I would like that."
"Ok I can guarantee that it will arrive by 5pm tomorrow that will be £5.35."
"Aye that will be fucking right, its going to G83 that's Glasgow no Goa."
"Alright sir that will be 67 pence first class delivery."
"Dam straight it will be. I'll have a receipt as well."
"For 67 pence?"
"Aye. 67 pence."
"Ok sir."
I hate the post office, but then again the post office must hates me.
Mr Bison
"Thank you sir. Would you like it to arrive by tomorrow?"
"Emmmmm yeah you know what I would like that."
"Ok I can guarantee that it will arrive by 5pm tomorrow that will be £5.35."
"Aye that will be fucking right, its going to G83 that's Glasgow no Goa."
"Alright sir that will be 67 pence first class delivery."
"Dam straight it will be. I'll have a receipt as well."
"For 67 pence?"
"Aye. 67 pence."
"Ok sir."
I hate the post office, but then again the post office must hates me.
Mr Bison
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Fringe Tale
This one is from the first ever Fringe trip over 10 years ago now.
I was walking back to the venue at 3pm on a Sunny August day (walking down the hill away from the Pleseance courtyard). When this guy started to shout at me from the top of the hill. Since I didn't recognise him & he looked shady as hell i decided to ignore him.
I mean its 3pm on a Sunny day in Edinburgh whats the worse that can happen to me? So he then proceeds to run after me still shouting at me to stop.
At this point I get a bit freaked out (I mean a total stranger is now coming towards me & he wasn't to happy) so I begin to pick up the pace & try & put some distance between us.
So I'm now being chased by some guy down an Edinburgh street while hes screaming at me to stop. Not a single person even looks round or trys to help in any away it was like the scene in Ghost where the angry guy is shouting at the wimpy ghost on the train. People thought it was some kind of interactive street performance.
So by this point i think well what the fuck can I do other than confront the guy. He sounds English so if i hit him with a harsh Scottish accent and scream in his face till his ears bleed i might be able to discombobulate him enough to make good my escape.
I wait till he's right next to me then I turn round with clenched fists and scream "WHIT IS IT!"
He takes a second to recompose himself then simply says, "you want to buy some grass?"
"Grass?" I said in an attempt to understand the situation.
"Yeah I'm selling grass you want some?" Like it was a fucking copy of the Big Issue!
"Em no."
"Fair enough." He then turns to a guy that just walked past and proceeds to shout at him.
I only wish I could go back in time & get that man into a sales course or something. It was like a drug dealer youth training scheme guy. Selling drugs in Edinburgh I doubt he needed such a hard sell approach.
Mr Bison
I was walking back to the venue at 3pm on a Sunny August day (walking down the hill away from the Pleseance courtyard). When this guy started to shout at me from the top of the hill. Since I didn't recognise him & he looked shady as hell i decided to ignore him.
I mean its 3pm on a Sunny day in Edinburgh whats the worse that can happen to me? So he then proceeds to run after me still shouting at me to stop.
At this point I get a bit freaked out (I mean a total stranger is now coming towards me & he wasn't to happy) so I begin to pick up the pace & try & put some distance between us.
So I'm now being chased by some guy down an Edinburgh street while hes screaming at me to stop. Not a single person even looks round or trys to help in any away it was like the scene in Ghost where the angry guy is shouting at the wimpy ghost on the train. People thought it was some kind of interactive street performance.
So by this point i think well what the fuck can I do other than confront the guy. He sounds English so if i hit him with a harsh Scottish accent and scream in his face till his ears bleed i might be able to discombobulate him enough to make good my escape.
I wait till he's right next to me then I turn round with clenched fists and scream "WHIT IS IT!"
He takes a second to recompose himself then simply says, "you want to buy some grass?"
"Grass?" I said in an attempt to understand the situation.
"Yeah I'm selling grass you want some?" Like it was a fucking copy of the Big Issue!
"Em no."
"Fair enough." He then turns to a guy that just walked past and proceeds to shout at him.
I only wish I could go back in time & get that man into a sales course or something. It was like a drug dealer youth training scheme guy. Selling drugs in Edinburgh I doubt he needed such a hard sell approach.
Mr Bison
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