Law of Diminishing Returns

Now I do feel like I have teaching blood in my veins so every so often I will be dishing out a little bit of knowledge to anyone who cares for it. This will often come in the form of little gems from my years as an Economics student.

Today's lesson is on the Law of Diminishing Returns. The standard definition of the law from any Econ 101 Text is...

“When increasing amounts of one factor of production are employed in production along with a fixed amount of some other production factor, after some point, the resulting increases in output of product become smaller and smaller.”

As an Economic student I always liked making it fun, so I often come up with real life examples that I could relate to. The easy way to remember the Law Of Diminishing returns when you are really drunk is this. Imagine a dance floor, which is of a fixed size say fifteen feet by fifteen feet. The dance floor is made of stone and no drinks are allowed onto it, dancing out with the specified dance area is strictly prohibited. Now dance floors have one variable factor that can be increased and decreased and that is dancers. In this case we will assume that the entire dance floor is for women only.

One woman on the dance floor shaking her ass is enjoyable to watch. Lets say her short skirt and pink boob tube under the flashing lights of the rig above give you and utility (or enjoyment factor) of three. Three what is entirely up to you, just don’t get carried away it’s just a dance.

Now two women ass shaking is more enjoyable as they do like to bump and grind with each other in very seductive ways. Watching this kind of dancing you can let your mind wander a bit further…perhaps there really good friends. Perhaps they’re having a sleep over tonight, perhaps after a glass of wine in there top floor flat over looking the Clyde they decided its time to explore those feelings they have had for so long. All this in mind we would receive on average an enjoyment value of nine. Greater in value than simply adding another single woman to the floor dancing by herself.

Now add eight more, tits and ass shaking all over the place, this sight would make most porn stars turn white. Perhaps they even do a little choreographed set, pairing up and performing a supposedly spontaneous jive number. This is when the enjoyment level begins to peak everyone watching is now as happy as they are going to get.

However, after this point every extra woman on that dance floor doesn’t increase your enjoyment level the same as the last. Movement gets restricted, perhaps the girls are quite bitchy and don’t want to gyrate as much with there rivals so close to them. By the time you reach fifteen women we can already see a drop in enjoyment as we stand back corona in hand watching the carnage unfold in front of us, swinging elbows and dirty looks all over the place. Add enough women and eventfully your enjoyment level will go into negative as the floor full of hot girls just isn’t shaking it no more it’s more a pen of young ladies slightly hoping up and down.

As we can see from the graph the dance floor cannot sustain an increase in enjoyment when we increase the variable factor in this example.

Here end’th the lesson

Mr Bison

Keep It Up

You know the place. It's in every shopping mall you ever go to that little Herbalist Store offering authentic, all natural weight loss pills, acupuncture massage, migraine pills. All natural: All pish! I'm walking past my local one when I see a sign getting put up..."Super Herbal Viagra".

I mean come on...how hard does your dick have to be? Is it even safe to get your dick harder than it enjoys being? I can't imagine people who suffer from impotence to be that enthralled with the prospect that not only will this stuff get it up for you...it will do it better than most other drugs even to the detriment to your cocks own well being.

The word SUPER had been written diagonally, quite tight to the edge. This suggests that he was selling some Herbal Viagra quite happily when all of a sudden some new age hippy dealer strolls in and laughs in his face.

"HA!! you still selling that shit? No wonder your going out of business. You need the new stuff just found in the rain Forest...SUPER herbal Viagra. You should see the animals out there man after they get a few bites of this, running around with huge hard on's".

So the guy thinks "yeah great bin this normal herbal Viagra, what a rip off I can't believe I was so stupid to buy this crap last week when you came in and sold it to me...give me the super stuff!!!"

Mr Bison

Harsh times at Glasgow High

Well that's it, I'm 27 & theres not much I can do about it. I'm struggling to come to terms with how fucked up I still feel sometimes. Day to day nothing changes things get more expensive and things get less expensive. New shows are on TV and old shows get repeated. I thought by this point I would be...lets say a different person. I do feel different in a lot of ways although I'm still what you would call young but lets face it 27 that's old. If you haven't got something in your life at this point worth having chances are you ain't going to get it at all.

27 years and my handwriting is still terrible, but my pancakes taste better than ever.


27 years and I still can't make pasta, but I know everything about the Simpson's.

27 years and I'm still the shyest person I know, but I'm also the most honest.

27 years I couldn't pass a maths test without a calculator, but I can quote Adam Smith no problem.

27 years and I'm still hanging on.

Anyway, here's to a new year.

Mr Bison

Baking Tips

I thought it might be fun for my next Economics lesson for people to pick there favorite Economic tit bit and i will do my best to put into a funny example. So don't be shy write in and I will get cracking.

Other than that not much is happening, I'm finding it tough to write something everyday. So I'm going to make pancakes tonight, now I happen to be the Worlds best pancake maker and I have decided to share the secret with you all.

Step one. Pour self raising flour in a bowel

Step two. Pour sugar in the same bowel

Step three. Add as many eggs as you want

Step four. Chuck some milk in and mix to the thickness you wish

That's it really I just guess and it just works. But think on this little fact that I truly believe in. When you cook something with love and affection you can taste it. People eating food prepared by you notice the difference to something that has been cooked for all the wrong reasons. Once you eat it, it can totally change you mood hopefully for the better. When I cook I do it cause I want to and I enjoy it. Even the most humbling of dishes can be saved by this fact.

Mr Bison

They Live

Life is a bit odd sometimes, you think you run the gamete on your thoughts and paranoia but as I have found out the World is such a big place there are a lot of people who are just as messed up as you.


Case in point my new friend, Kit (funny I know I grump like me still making friends at my age), suffers from the same problem I do...she knows! She knows that the sofas with legs are a danger to everyone we know & love. She knows they move fast and can kill you quicker than an Emu. She knows the psychic powers they have to communicate can track a human across the globe...in short there is no escape

For those of you that have forgotten the cows are still out there, they still keep there heads down and they use the psychic powers to keep people from finding out the truth but I've found someone else who can see past there act.

Mr Bison

I'm Back

So Robbie Williams has a new album coming out and is declaring himself "BACK". I surely think that yes

I'm listening to some random Scottish DJ interview him (as it's on in the office...i could have switched to another channel and...listen to some English DJ interview him. I stuck with the Devil I know).

Interviewers always ask the same stupid boring questions it's like listening to a 17 year old boy trying to chat up a 30 year old woman. Dancing around the issue acting all shy and backward when he should just ask her for a blow job. Whats she going to say...NO? No skin off your nose boy its not like your losing a blow job by asking an honest question and if she says yes then your one BJ up on the deal. A woman knows withing the first 5 minuets whether or not she is going to put her gear anywhere near yours just suck it up and take the hit...anyway bit off topic there.

No one ever ask honest questions anymore, "Your such a bawbag, how do you write such good music?" or "come on mate really! Girlfriend? Who you kidding?"

He then reads out questions from Scottish listeners. What I want to know is why can't people just be more fucking honest in life, "Joan from Coatbridge wants to know what your biggest challenge is?"

Naw, what Joan really wants to know is "If you were going to eat me out how long would you spend down there?"

Jessica from Ayr wonders "How long would I have to Rim you before you returned the favour?"

Beth from Oban asks "Do I have to swallow to get a record deal these days?"

Now that's an interview. I say bring back blind date! 3 questions to get to know a person...not as brutally honest as i would like but a good start.

Mr Bison

Old TV Shows and Why I'm Single

Do you know how much damage that show "Sex and The City" has done to the women of the world? Giving them a head full of snappy come backs and unrealistic dreams of great sex on a nightly basis it's impossible for men to keep up these unrealistic stereotypes. That show is the reason I'm single, I'm sure of it. No one wants the awkward funny guy who looks great in a kilt and calls you "Hen" every third word.

One night I was round at my Lawyer's place me him and his wife were watching TV and drinking tea as that's what grown up's do apparently. Flicking through channels his wife says "Oh good I like Sex and the City." It was kind of like watching an explicit program with your parents...if your parents would make rude and suggestive comments to you during it.

This particular episode depicts the character of Miranda (who is senior partner in a law firm) faced with a dilemma of having morning sex with her boyfriend and being late for work. In the show she succumbs and stays in bed, now I don’t know about you but I would be less than impressed if my lawyer turned up an hour late for my court hearing cause he was getting his hole. Lucky for me I was with my lawyer when I saw this episode to which I still smile upon hearing the phrase, "Hah! That’s all well and good but it doesn’t get morning post open".

I sleep a little easier knowing that fact.

Mr Bison

Wood Work

Well it's on it's way speeding towards me only seems like yesterday I was blogging from Edinburgh with our show and now I'm busting my ass building sets and taking notes.

The thing people don't get is crew banter is the best kind of banter. Bunch of guys building stuff making fun of each other swearing I mean it's what being a man is all about. Of course in today's equal opportunities world, I embrace the influx of women techies wholeheartedly. As long as they can keep the banter low brow then there OK in my book.

So we're building the sets cutting wood hammering stuff and making jokes about screwing sideways when I try a quick fire game. Name of the game song titles that don't appear in the lyrics.

You've got the basics, Bohemian Rhapsody, Unchained Melody, hundred mile high city. Play along yourself there are some good ones when you get going.

Chuck is actually an extremely bright and knowledgeable bloke and rivals my team in the pub quiz stakes i thought he would clear this right up, "Paradise by the dashboard light by Meatloaf".

"Emmmmm i think that appears a few times mate".

After some heavy thinking he comes back with "Drops of Jupiter by train".

"Nope sorry man its in the first line", breaking my heart telling him hes wrong he literally was the worse person in the World to play this game with.

Not wanting to give up the wheels start turning hard and fast before smiling a huge smile and saying...."Wannabe by the Spice Girls".

I nearly passed out laughing so hard...men can be cruel.

Mr Bison

OAP

Just as I was walking back to my penthouse I was stop ed by an elderly male who looked in distress. He was very infirmed and was aided in his mobility by a shopping holder/zimmer frame on wheels.

"Scuse me mate my legs urnie that hot could you nip to the shops for me?"

Being the kind sole that I am i of course said yes thinking that perhaps he needed something extremely urgent and indeed personal. I'd rather he didn't have to degrade himself anymore by asking another stranger to assist him.

"Thank you, god bless you...two 3 litre bottles of frosted jack cider and a half pun of amberleaf."

"Aye all right pal, nae bother you sit there I'll be right back." So back down the street I go to a very confused shop owner who has just sold me a bag of crisps and a packet of Minolta's now back in to buy cheap cider and roll up baccaie.

I wonder that he would have done if I had never come back? But then again he probably though £15 isn't worth burning in hell over.

Drink it in good health my friend
Mr Bison

Cash in the fridge

I was looking at an old you tube video about the most expensive thing ever brought on the Antiques Roadshow. It was in America & this good ol' boy had this old tatty rug he brought in for value.

Presenter "Where did you get this"

Jeff "oh I got it off my dad it was just sitting over the back of his chair for years never got around to throwing it away after he died"

Presenter "Well this is an handwoven blanket brought over by the pilgrams from England in the 1600's, I've only seen one of these before and it was in a museum...this is worth 10 million dollars"

Jeff "wow...I guess I shouldn't be using it to dry my balls then"?

Mr Bison

Filp Flop Hot Pot

I love wearing flip flops and I'll wear them any chance I get. Sadly the only time you really can (when your a man) is on holiday. Dubai is the best place (although I will wear them in Edinburgh, fuck em snobby sods) and it makes me sad when its such a hot day and I'm clumping about in my big boots.

One day I was out drinking in Dubai for 9 hours, when I left the house its was a lovely and sunny and I didn't expect to getting V.I.P and an upscale vodka bar that night.

Me and the group get there at 9pm place isn't even open yet, I mean that's cool the fact it doesn't even need to open most of the night is a real crowd puller. I'm guessing the really cool places are only open for like an hour and they change it all the time. Cause we're above cool we get let in while the place is still closed, but we still have to pass the bouncers.

I'm still wearing my flip flops and there is no way I'll get let in no matter how well connected I am, plus I'll look a total tit, I haven't got knock back from a club since my last exam (12 hours drinking after a 3 hours Economic exam) most of us couldn't stand up.

So I'm looking sheepish but I'm trying not to draw attention to my feet but the guilt is unbearable, i begin to sweat heavily and my pockets feel like there crammed with contraband oh the pressure.

Just as I'm about to slink past behind the 23 year old graphic designer this massive hand jumps out to block me. Now i'm 6'2 so when a guy taller than me towers over and asks the question..."are you wearing flip flops"?

Now what would you do? My first reaction as an honest man is to admit it and just turn around. Or I can start to beg the large man to let me in please let me in.

With the fierce gaze burning into me I just take a deep breath look him right in the eyes...exhale with a snort and shrug my shoulders with a low voiced"naw".

"All right, have a good night". Classic, what are the odds that that would work if i didn't that in Scotland the bouncer would have beaten me with the fucking flip flops. This is the closest I've ever felt like James Bond and its a great feeling.

Mr Bison

The 360 Backhanding MP Game

OK, when you spend as much time as me jumping between pastimes and hobbies you meet some colourful people.

Some of them (I have noticed) love to lead conversations. Which is great don't get me wrong that's kind of the point...of having a point. You talk to get your point across...but when it's someone Else's story or point, why do they feel the need to piss on the guys chips...while hes still talking.

What is it with people who just instinctively disagree with you all the time, no matter what the subject?

I don't think I'm right all the time but even when people are pushing some home grown pish talk drudge up from there self inflated ego trips I just let them run with it. Smile, guffaw and chuckle when you think your meant to.

This I don't get, I'm an old school conversationalist, its your turn to talk when the other person is drinking his paint. When your drinking yours is there turn...and so on and so forth.

A few months ago I invented a game to pass the time when caught in a situation where no matter what you say the other person just takes the opposite view even if they aren't actually putting any real empirical evidence forward.

The you can only get points by making your opponent contradict themselves IN THE SAME CONVERSATION. Zero points if there is a break in the conversation you have to keep going until you score. Just keep them talking for as long as you can and try and slightly change your argument ever so slightly and watch how they follow suit until they go rough round on themselves.

Points are higher in the first 5 mins of the game and they decrease over time, after 30 mins you have to give up and agree with the person that you were wrong and your sorry you were ever born. It's a harsh trade off but i think the game is worth it to see people make total tits of themselves.

Tonight I broke my own personal best and managed to do it within 3 mins. I was going for a triple score which you can only achieve if you can convince the person to change there mind back to what it was originally.

Another night perhaps.

Mr Bison

Sad Days

I' ve always been very witty, I wish I could say it was something I can control but it really isn't. Most of my intelligence is just all natural and comes from a subconscious level. Most things I say in response to other peoples quips I don't even know I'm saying them half the time. It's like a voice in my head just says exactly whats on my mind and I don't have the ability to stop myself from saying that. It's basically a form of radical honesty that makes people think i'm a bawbag.

My one rule is I only use my powers for good (sadly this isn't always the case), as I see to many intelligent folk just spend there time putting people down. I only use my quips to put smiles on peoples faces...which is why this story is a bit sad.

My Lawyer's daughter is still young but since she started talking I've noticed that she is a very sharp and converses amazingly, however she does act up as children do. One time when I was round she was acting up against her mothers instructions.

In true super nanny style mum put her on the naughty step, upon which the little one balled her eyes out begging for forgiveness. Once the time was up she was released from her faux prison and made to promise that the infraction she made would not happen again. Like all children the tears soon stopped and she sat up at the table and began to colour again.

I joined her and started drawing as best I could, I of course am in no way an artist. I tried my best to draw a happy smiling face to which I was asked, "Whats that"? Upon telling her that it was a picture of her I was then told, "That looks nothing like me, that's rubbish".

Being slightly hurt from this statement and completely forgetting that I was conversing with a small child I very coldly blurted out "well at least I didn't get put on the naughty step".

In a split second I took her happy bubbling smile away and replaced it with a mixture of shock and sadness.

I do feel awful about it.

Mr Bison

Warning Otters

Ok, whats this about we were driving down to do this show in Stranraer on the A77 we see a few odd things.

The first being the most confusing sign ever it was a red triangle with a huge exclamation mark and the word "otters". This of course doesn't really explain much...do we need to beware the otters as they are dangerous? Do I need to need to speed to to escape there watery ways or slow down and appreciate them as the majestic kings of land and Sea?

Or is the name of the game just to shout OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of your voice into the drivers ear making him swerve and cruse the day of your birth?

Yes to the last one :-)

Mr Bison

Love Potion Rankings

Ok here's one from a little conversation between me an my lawyer. Listening to some of my top 500 tunes he noticed that "Love Potion Number #9" was on one of my CD's. I of course started to go on about how the song had everything. Guy has a problem he goes out and solves it using a the capitalist structure of supply and demand. He demanded a potion to improve his chances with women and some creepy woman with gold teeth (and I'm guessing no valid business licence) was happy to assit him.


This then got me thinking...if she made him love potion number #9...does that mean there is love potions from 1-8 as well? Otherwise shes just adding numbers onto the end of her products for no reason. By this logic out of all the love potions she has she has pre determined that number #9 is the one he needs.


Since she doesn't really ask him nay questions about the type of girl he wants to attract then we can only assume that the numbering system is not based on any type specific attraction points and that it is based on how unappealing the individual is.


So this guy is #9 which must be quite strong so we can assume he is a bit of a minger. Perhaps he likes Star Trek just a bit to much and he puts women off by asking them to come aboard the Bridge and makes inappropriate jokes about firing the photon torpedo's.

For the purposes of this demonstration I've come up with a very simple graph as a possible indicator.

It ranges from your standard potion #1 user who is good looking but has some confidence issues. It makes him just a little bit more appealing but he can feel happy knowing hes going to get a good return for his potion intake.

At the other end of the scale are the total train wrecks who need a highly concentrated does.

Please keep in mind the potion doesn't actually make you more attractive to the potential mates it just gets you stoned off your ass so much you don't care anymore. Hence the real lesson here is only buy goods and services from recognised business's.


Mr Bison

Genius Idea

"I think pub games need to be more exciting. How about "Life and Death Jenga" with blocks so big if you topple them you may be crushed. If this catches on the games can be expanded to "Real life Buckaroo" where contestants have to stack mining equipment onto a live mule."

Thats my idea for the show "Genius" I watched it and have spent all week trying to work out which one of my nutcase ideas I could send in.

This one has been on my mind since my Uni days. After noticing these large connect four games in certain pubs I though about all the games that would be much more fun...if they were just made a hell of alot bigger.

It has everything drunk guys and possible serious injury and a chance to be a big man in front of the ladies...if you win then you have the thrill of hurting a fellow human being without the guilt aspects. If you lose well chicks dig scars, every body's a winner. Just one of you doesn't have to go to hospital after being kicked by an angry mule.

Mr Bison

Sunday Tunes

So I'm sitting today and for the 4th week in a row at the exact same time I'm getting blasted with really really stupid music. Top level floor shaking volume always the same songs every week...I mean how can you really chill out on a Sunday listening to songs cranked up to the max?

I on the other hand consider myself a very considerate neighbour...I only play good music!

Mr Bison

Quiz Night

Now I love Quiz's anything to do with fun and games etc I love to play and I love to win.

What I hate is a crooked quiz that we can never win...even worse when the guy fixes it for us to win!!!! That really sets me off. We once lost to a team who got every question right inlcuding one question that was misleading. It was like answering a question that no one asked.

So with all this tension going on I thought it best not to go back for a while perhaps he would get fired and we can all go back to a nice night in the pub like the olds days.

Alas that is not what happened, i'm going to spend all of tomorrow kicking myself over ones I should have got.

Mr Bison

Little Twist

When I started blogging I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. Wanted to see if I would make it as an internationally famous blogger based on my own merits. But lets be honest no international blog scouts are trolling through these pages while smoking huge Havana cigars screaming at there PA’s for fresh coffee before jumping on the five am conference call to LA. Even if they were they would only go for the real sleazy blogs you know the naked truth about life as steal worker. Sexy romps in the back of your local charity shops.

So I decided to share the secret with some of my friends, just a few at first to get a bit of crit on the work so far. This includes Auntie Bison the most Scottish English woman I know who lives in a far off land. A few uni friends and now my trusted lawyer, who is a successful blogger himself. In all my years of knowing him I don't think I have ever had more encouragement than a the txt I got at 11pm last night "v.funny by the way". I now feel like I have arrived. It almost makes up for the tasteless caber tossing reference he threw at me last time I visited.

Word is less paranoid nonsense about cows and more economic run downs. Now I say the more I dig into this cow’s thing the more I get scared about leaving the house. Clearly they have human supporters and they know I’m getting close.

Mr Bison

Thursday Rant

Evening All

While waiting for the Hunt for Red October to start the little program link guy comes out with “A submarine is spotted off the coast of America if it’s an enemy can Sean Connery step up and stop them”? Of course not because he’s on the fucking Sub and it wasn't spotted at all, Alec Baldwin had to work it out fly round the World to sort it out.

How can anyone make a mistake like that!!!!! If you haven’t seen the film then you should be publicly flogged as it rocks on so many levels, I mean Connery kills some guy after being on screen for five minuets something he only does in Bond films. Even in the untouchables it takes him and hour to get round to it.

They must give these transition guys a synopsis of the things. You can’t expect these guys to write there own material for every show, there just there to give some snappy lines to get people hooked on some mediocre show with limited appeal that happens to be on next.

This will bug me for ages I have already written to Sky to complain I will let you know when they have got back to me.

Mr Bison

Shaved New World

Evening All

Now over the last god knows number of years of my life I have always found shaving the most distressing part of living. Ever since I was young I have needed to shave constantly as even one day of razor apathy can result in uncontrollable growth.

When I was 15 I began to grow my sideburns to an alarming size and quantity in an effort to appear more sophisticated. But being 6 foot at the tender age of 15 I didn’t find people questioning me much. The sideburns were unnecessary and as I found out ridiculous.

I often think that I would do better using a light sabre and the force to keep my chin whiskers at bay, but alas that cult I joined over the Internet wasn’t worth the paper my credit card statement is printed on.

Now it seems the way to go is back to the good old days, forget 5 blades of smooth easy gliding and super easy on magic shave gel. As I was approached by the shadiest of men, the Del Boy of the eBay era as it were. He spotted all the weaknesses in me and jumped right on top of them, “How much do you spend razors? I bet it’s a lot you know 5 blades 10 bucks each it all mounts up you know.” Just buying my first flat has made me quite thrifty over the last few months of course I was hooked.

“I have just the thing for you young man; cure all your shaving troubles in one week. The closest shave you will ever get and wont leave you itchy and red.” Another problem that I seem to have when shaving with the newer blades.

“The way to go is old style single edged replaceable blades, a badger hair brush and old style lathering soap. Enough disposable blades to last a year and all for the low low cost of 25 Bucks, that’s a special price to you my good friend my eBay customers pay a lot more.” Well now I’m sucked right in I mean think about it how long do those fancy 3, 4 and 5 blade razors last…2 weeks? 10 Bucks every 2 weeks from now until you die, plus the rate of inflation I’m a child of Economics of course I can’t say no.

So I pay up I get the kit and I set it all up stood in front of my huge bathroom mirror, lather up my badger brush and slowly coat my face in this thick soap.

Now I can whole heartily say that I have never had a closer shave…while at the same time I can whole heartily say that I have very little skin left on my face to shave tomorrow. Now the question is do I give up just because there’s a pint of blood gushing down my sink or do I stick it out for a few more weeks see how it goes. Perhaps this is the new trend I mean people are going back to old style mobile phones perhaps its time to see a return of the old style barber shops with the Sweeney Todd style straight razors. Trust you life in the hands of a professional I mean how dangerous can it be.

Try it now, all you men, put your head right back expose that Adams Apple and think of the scene from “From Russia with Love”…

Mr Bison

Friday Brunch

You hear about that couple that got caught having sex on the beach in Dubai? I like these stories popping up as it reminds me of my time there. The story goes that she lived there and he was a tourist and they met at a "Friday Brunch". Friday being the beginning of the weekend over there so it is traditionally the day that all ex-pats go out at Noon and don't stop drinking till the next day.

To help facilitate this the pubs and clubs like to offer Brunch to all you hungry drunks to keep you drinking for as long as possible without leaving. These things are amazing you fill up on all the things you think your missing from home:

1) Yorkshire Puddings
2)Roast Beef and gravy
3) Roast Pataoes
4) Custom Omelets made by a professional chef dressed better than you
5) Creamy Mash
6) Champagne
7) Gin and Tonic
8) Corona

You know the things you would be enjoying at 1 in the afternoon in the UK. So these two lovers met at one of these brunches got hammered and supposedly went to one of the most popular beach spots in all of Dubai (next to the Burj al Arab) and decided this was a good place to get it on. I know its popular cause I've been there loads of times...no women want to jump me when I was there though.

In a country where you shouldn't even technically be drinking these two thought dry humping next to the road was a good idea. Even got the camels walking past you as well.

They got arrested and it was straight to Jail...and all power to the cops that picked them up cause lets face it would you arrest a guy with a raging stonner? I fucking wouldn't! Although it does give you some novel ways to handcuff him I guess. Now all I can think about is where was I going wrong? Where were these horny women when I was at these mad Brunches...as my friend Annie suggested that perhaps I don't prioritise correctly in a situation with women, booze and food...I may have been distracted with by the rump rather than...well the rumps.

Mr Bison

Snow Times At Braemar High

So in an effort to relax and unwind a little bit since by all rights I should be in Dubai right now I decided to take a long weekend up in Braemar.

Of course perhaps a trip up to a remote highland town during one of the most severe weather fronts was not the best idea. I made it up in one piece but when the snow hits you on those twisty roads it's quite a thing to not drive off the side to your friary death.

The oddest thing (or perhaps not) is the fact that most of the inhabitants of this little snowy town are either Eastern European or form the Philippians. Hotel workers are the most transferable skill base these days.

Not only that...you also have the tourists. Now being form Glasgow of course that's how people were looking at me but I has hoping that this trip would establish my Scottish Routes. Not much as I was in the town for 5 Min's and I had to get a push after getting stuck in the snow.

Now the whole place was covered in snow and it was beautiful, I mean i loved it. Getting all wrapped up and walking in it was a real treat. By the Sunday the sun was shining and it wasn't even cold walking for hours was just a thrill.

I was walking over the bridge back to the hotel when a group of people from a specific area of London were appreciating the lovey scene from the bridge. When one of them shouts out is his best cockney accent, "Oh man that is lovely. I mean that is just beautiful. You know what? if I had my camera right now. I would take a picture of that".

Wow! Thank you so much. What a stamp of approval on my Country you Jackass. That you would take a picture of a lovely Scottish scene if only you had bothered your arse to pack a camera, take it out your pocket, hit the power button, raise it to your eye and click the shutter release for a second...thereby capturing the moment for all time. Bawbag!!!

Mr Bison

There's a man outside...

Ok this ones for my Lawyer since he has the strange obsession about a very popular Scottish song (that doesn't appear in my Top 500 as I think it's pish).

Of course I am talking about Dignity! You know the one "gonnae buy a dhingy gonnane caw her MA BOAT!!!!!" Now it's a very touching song about...I don't really know it think its 80's sappy crap that makes you think slightly but once it's over you want to hear some hot 19 year old American Girl sing about kissing other women again.

I have a live and let live policy with these songs they do me no harm so I let it go. However one line always bugs me...

"And I'm telling this story
In a faraway scene
Sipping down Raki
And reading Maynard Keynes"

What gets me is where this street sweeping pseudo-socialist gets off sitting in a bar reading Maynard Keynes. Who would be the first person to tell him that a council worker saving money for 20 years is the reason we are in a rescission right now. Get yourself an expensive past time, take up smoking or gamble it all away doesn’t matter as long as it’s getting spent (and taxed so stay off those untaxed expensive past times). That would keep at least 50 people in a job for years rather than one Dinghy maker for a week.

Keynes was the first economist to start using monetary policy to improve growth in the economy. He came up with the "Paradox of thrift" stating that money sitting in bank accounts collecting dust does no one any good, saving and not spending means capital is not getting reinvested making large scale growth impossible. It's easier to understand with large companies saving and not reinvesting but it works right down to your street sweeper hoarding away his cash for 2 decades.

If you forget about the many articles that Keynes wrote these are some of the highlights of his books. Which do you think caught our protagonist’s eye?

"Indian Currency and Finance"
"The Economic Consequences of the Peace"
"A Treatise on Probability"
And the excellent sequel “Revision of the Treaty”
"General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money"
"The Means to Prosperity" (Haven’t read it but I doubt chapter one is pick up litter all day)

Also keep in mind that this man’s main past time was humiliating and brow beating people of less intellect than himself...which was everyone really. So Bogie ain’t going to be too happy when he falls off his crappy boat and has to deal with him in the great beyond!

Mr Bison