Bar Wars

And people think that the Scottish are cheap listen to this one.

My favorite haunt when in Dubai is a little place called Waxy O'Connors. Its like the one in Glasgow except its pitch black and the music is deafening. Two things I can really get into, I'll tell you a night time story in another blog but this one concerns Friday Brunch.

It's a real Ex-Pat place and on a Friday (the beginning of the weekend) they do a very nice Brunch...old the old English fav's. Yorkshire Puds, beef and roast potatoes...and all the bread and butter you can handle.

They also do a great deal on a Friday (in an effort to attract people in for the whole night) they offer a deal on drinks. Five drink tickets for 55 Dhs, which is less that Two pounds a drink very good especially for a dry Emirate. At one of these all day drinking sessions I was told about a very, very tight cooperate executive who no one really liked. You the kind turns up with you and your work mates and just makes the night uncomfortable. Well imagine that in a land full of booze and hot foreign women and not a Wedding Ring in sight, your trying to have a good time and behave and theres Sir Jeff grouping 2 Lebanese women while tapping you for a fag and telling you to refill his champagne glass.

So...the guys are out having a good time and along comes Sir Jeff wanting in on the action. He tries to be fly and wants to get a round in before the tickets stop being sold so he buys 20 tickets and heads to the bar. The deal ends at 6pm and by the time he's seen to it's 6:15pm so they wont take them no matter how much he shouts at the bartender. Reluctantly he coughs up the cost of the drinks and kicks himself for the rest of the night.

Not to worry he thinks I'll just come down early next week and buy the first round and then I can get free drinks the rest of the night...so he heads down early wait for everyone to arrive then announces that he will get the next round out of his own pocket...what a guy.

He walks up to the bar places the order and presents his tickets to the bartender only to be told, "These are last weeks."

"What? No way you don't change the tickets every week?"

"Yeah. We change the colour every week this week it's powder blue, you have last weeks mint green," the bartender explained. As they were fed up people stockpiling tickets and coming in whenever they want and drinking at a discount. Object of the game is to get them in the bar and get them to drunk for them to move onto another bar.

Stuck paying for another round of drinks Sir Jeff is not best pleased. Legend has it he still goes in every week waiting...praying for the day that they run out of colours and are forced to use mint green again.

Mr Bison

Window Pain

So me and Colonel James are heading off after another failed night bowling (beaten by 4 pins choked on the last frame again). While driving out of the car park the Colonel spotted another of our chums and decided to attract his attention.

Rather than rolling down the window like a normal person he proceeded chap the window whacking it with wedding ring to the sound of my shouting in his ear about what a tool he was.

"Oh sorry mate I forgot I was married." A statement I was then told I was not allowed to mention to Mrs James

Mr Bison

Suck or Lick?

Being out of the dating loop for so long I often check in with Little Annie to see whats new. Last time we met we were discussing the finer points of the art of pleasuring a man with your mouth. I told her that I always like it when the girl sucks on my balls when she does it.

She explained that there was a huge difference between how interested a girl is in you by one very important factor.

"I'll only suck a guys balls if I really like him any other times I'll just lick them," she explained.

So there you are the difference been true love and the rest...if she is willing to put your plums in her mouth then your onto a winner. If she gives you one coat then I would get back to drawing board.

Mr Bison

NHS Direct out the door

OK folks Mr Bison has had a little bit of a health scare and of course the only way for me to cope is to of course make fun of the situation.

I was told I have an extremely rare condition...this shocked me and I freaked out and refused to listen to anymore.

After reading up on it for a week I decided perhaps he was right. Now the reading material is not pleasant, all signs point to the fact, that although its not fatal most people who have it wish it was and theres no cure and it will get worse over time. The thought of living my life in constant and agonising pain really didn't appeal to me. But I thought ignoring it wasn't the best thing to do so i went back to see my Doc.

I apologised for my behaviour last time and asked him to run me through what the stages were and what can be done these days.

Doc - "Take these pills along with these pills and you'll be fine in 2 weeks."

Bison - "I'm Sorry? 2 weeks? The medical websites said there was no cure."

Doc - "Nah. Take these pills 2 weeks you'll be fine."

Bison - "You sure Doc? I mean you can't be 100% sure it will work."

Doc - "Yes I can! Just get enough of the stuff in your body the pain will settle."

Bison - "Oh I get it I'll be popping pills the rest of my life?"

Doc - "No Just the next 2 weeks then you won't need to."

Bison - "So I'm fine? I'm not going to get worse?"

Doc - "No you will be fine in 2 weeks..."

Bison - "emmmmm thank you?"

It's really hard to be pessimistic when the professional in the room is so sure that hes right. But I mean come on whats he going to say in 2 weeks time if I'm no better? Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Mr Bison

Crash

This is the first time I have ever, ever came close to wreaking my car but trust me if you were in the car with me you wouldn't have minded.

I'm just about to pull into my street, so I begin to slow to down and indicate when this vision of a woman comes taring round the corner on foot with a huge bag in one hand. Shes wearing a Summer dress and is running full pelt down the road looking over her shoulder every few seconds.

Now scenes like this aren't that uncommon in life but when the heroine has huge EE breasts the scene is allot more additive. The speed she was going they were bouncing everywhere I literary had to stop the car in case I crashed it!!!!! She didn't slow down for a second she just kept running right down the street.

It was like an Angel running past giving me the purest form of happiness and then leaving, letting me know that there is something out there I just have to keep the faith.

Mr Bison

Unwinding with the Bison

I have developed at very expensive habit, and it's very very addictive. Not allot of people probably know about this I discovered it parley by accident and it's something that was very big as far back as 1894.

Every night after I come come from work tried and sore I go to the fridge and take out a nice cold bottle of very expensive Coca Cola! Something about popping open the bottle cap and just letting the cold air drift out for a few seconds, even taking a deep breath of it in is intoxicating. Then it's time for the taste, and Coke out the bottle is something sweet let me tell you.

For the first few seconds it's bliss, it's like all your worries and troubles just flow into the bottle as you take a drink. Once you start you can't stop you want to hold that feeling for as long as you can gulp after gulp.

At 85 pence a bottle you can see why I'm regretting getting hooked.

Mr Bison

The Psychic Enemy

OK here's another thing to remember about the Cow Conspiracy. You know the saying that if Cows lie down its going to rain? Or that if they are all spread out in a field it will be a clear day?

What I want to know is who the fuck gave these sneaky cows the psychic powers and if they can predict the weather then who knows what else they can down with there superior minds. Telekinesis? Mind control? There the real, "Children of The Corn," man you drop your guard for one minute next thing you know your pitch forking yourself.

I mean we need multi million pound machines to predict the weather for us, cows in a field doing it by instinct what chance do we have.

Not only that did you know June is National Dairy Month...I mean come on with all the months it could be why give a month to the glorification of cows and what comes out them. All I know is I'll be keeping my head down till July.

Stay Scared
Mr Bison

Mr Smith Goes Down Under

This one has a little Father's Day side to it.

As a child of economics I have several Fathers, my dad for one and of course the founding Father, Adam Smith. Economics has always been around, you know that old joke about prostitution being the oldest profession? Well the way I see it without Economists there wouldn't even be a system of supply and demand in the sex industry to allow them to operate. Please note i am in no way saying that Economists pay for sex...or indeed that killing all Economists would stamp out the vice trade once and for all in the world, its just an observation.

Anyway why am I comparing hookers and great Economists in the same blog you may well ask? If you didn't already guess I'm an avid photographer and from time to time I look through other peoples folios online (please note this is not the same as looking at porn on line...you don't get to see as much). One picture I have just seen is a tight angel crop of a woman's pelvic region. Where a woman is wearing a G-String and a fancy French style garter belt, all well and above board so far. However, protruding from the top of this garter belt is the top of a Bank of England £20 note.

Here's the twist folks for those who never look at foreign currency except when holidaying in Blackpool. A few years ago the Bank Of England bestowed a great honour allowing the first Scotsman too appear on an English note and of course what fitting tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the Political Economy than Adam Smith himself. Along with an illustration explaining his theory in the the "Division of Labour in pin manufacturing." A great example of free thought and continuous improvement to something as ordinary as making pins.

Now imagine my shock upon the thought of Adam Smith's (one of history's greatest minds) face being tucked neatly into some strippers nether regions!!! Up and down the country this horrible practice is going on in strip clubs Adam Smith must be spinning in his grave at the thought of it.

I just hope all you ladies know what and honour it is to have such a famous face tucked away in your knickers.My only solace is that it is a fitting tribute to Mans Demand for Boobs, and its impact on the Supply of Boobs.

The graph below shows what can happen in the area of Supply and Demand of Boobs.


If the price is set at £10 then we will find an over demand for boobs that will not be filled at this price. If the price is set at £15 then we will see a demand shortfall and flooding of boobs in the market.

We can see from this graph that the market for boobs reaches Equilibrium at £12. At £12 there is no excess demand or supply for boobs. So through Smiths thinking the invisible hand of Economics will fondle the price of boobs until it reaches a satisfactory point.

Mr Bison

Internet Dating For The Discerning Nut Job

Talking to my sister just now she suggested that I tried Internet Dating (something which everyone suggests I do) its amazing the amount of people who are doing well with Internet dating while at the same time I haven't met any of them as there like the ultimate urban legend. "Oh you should try it my brother met his girlfriend through the Internet and now they have a double caravan in Inverness." Jeez like you don't feel like a total loser that people are suggesting this to you they have to put a cheery like that on top of it.

So Sis tells me that's theres loads of free Internet dating sites I could try...like its the cost that's putting me off from finding true love. In fact I wouldn't even go to those one's, the way I see it keep away from the free ones you need to go to the most expensive ones. This way the real cheapo nutcases will be weeded out leaving only the psycho that have some sort of income coming in.

Bottom line I still haven't decided to go down that road yet and I hope that sooner rather than later I can turn to some poor sod and say "Hey man you should try Internet dating my friend met his wife though that and now they have a lucrative career in the pron industry."

Mr Bison

Worried Looks

One of the reasons I started blogging was that my lawyer was doing it. In an effort to try and best my social betters I of course tried to do the same.

There is only one thing that worries me about my lawyer and that is the fact he has a tendency to stalk a certain comedian whenever he was a spare minute. He even boasts about it on his blog and that slightly freaks me out. I mean this is the guy who I trust more than anyone in the world and he has on numerous occasions verbally harassed a some what celebrity.

Going to the Fringe every year only fuels his obsession i imagine him in the audience of the poor mans shows thinking what it would be like to wear his skin and walk around pretending to be him. I don't mean little harmless idolisation he has actually approached him several times in public settings and most likely freaked him out with his crazy ramblings.

I often wonder if being around him is wise, the guy knows what my lawyer looks like and I doubt he has many other stalkers, we could be out after the show one night run into him and next thing we know we are getting forcibly ejected from the venue with our Fringe passes shoved up our arse's.

Of course he would take this as a mark of honour as he walks around showing everyone the bruises. I don't even think the guy is that funny!

Mr Bison

Update

Sorry I haven't been around much folks not been my tip top Bison self since June rolled into town, but I'm doing a bit better so here's me getting back into the swing as it were.

Since doing my top 500 song list I have had...

No major record labels asking me to join there staff as a talent scout.

No bands have been calling the house to try and bargain there position with offers cheap young groupies and hard drugs.

No women have found the fact I have sorted my top 500 songs into a definitive list a sexual turn on (especially since there's no Justin Timberlake songs in it)

I have however...

Started my Uni course and it is going great with a full cast of characters to amuse me on a weekly basis.

Rehearsals have started for my Fringe show I'm still not 100% but hopefully with some R & R I will get my acting hat on straight.

Work is still tough going but I can still WOW the big wigs when I need to...today I WOWED one of the SMT by naming the band that were currently on the radio (Boston-More Than A Feeling number 83 on the list.) Popular song but not allot of people my age could name the band.

Won the Lotto twice one week after the other so going for a hat trick this Saturday

OK folks need to get going take care I'll see you all soon
Mr Bison

I Don't Work Here!

After yesterdays Dog Show me and Del Boy had to stop by B & Q for wood and of course an opportunity for him to buy whatever gadgets they have just brought in. It seems to me that this man cannot go a day without buying some modern miracle that will make his life easier or more entertaining. The top purchase of the day was an air cooling system that you simply add water to and it will blast out cold air lowering the room temperature (and yesterday was a great day to buy one as I am still feeling warm).

This part of the story is something that has always haunted me whenever I go out, right not I'm wearing a green and black long sleeve jumper that says flying something or other. I can't wear this when I go to Asdas as people will more often than not come up and ask where the bunion cream is. I used to think this might be because i look like I have bunions...but no people actually think I work there. How is that possible? Do people just see colours and think he looks like a dosser who doesn't want to be here...he must work here? No! I look like a dosser because I don't see why I need to dress to impress buying loo rolls and I'm carrying a basket!

Anyway this isn't the only place this happens I have been mistaken for a bouncer numerous times in my youth and once bizarrely a police man (this was during the day and the guy was very very drunk). Computer shops, art stores you name it people think I work there. I'm waiting for one day a manger comes out shouting at me for my untidy appearance and tells me to get back to work or I'm fired.

This time we are in B & Q standing next to the wood piling it up in my arms when a man starts shout propane at me from the end of the aisle. Confused, I shouted back to see what he wanted for all I knew he worked there and there was a propane leak and we had to run for our lives. But no it was a punter who thought cause we were dressed in black that we worked there. I explained the man’s mistake and sent him on his way.

If that wasn't bad enough a second person approaches us asking if we knew anything about PVC doors. "Are these screws alright for putting in the doors"? Before I could say anything Del Boy says "Aye mate they will be fine you won't go wrong with them". The Man then walks off happy...Del Boy then says you might as well help them out of you can. I mean technically the guy never asked if we worked there he could have just been asking for someone’s advice.

Me on the other hand I'm going to get a big T Shirt that simply says "It's My Day Off" written on it hopefully people will get the message.

Mr Bison