Christmas Shopping

Little Annie needed to pick up a dress for her works night out and of course being the nosey sod I asked to tag along.

Never does things by half does our Annie so its into town (the big town that is not the little piddly ones that I call town). Glasgow city center 3 weeks till Christmas fucking mad house. I did notice some differences between shopping in Glasgow compared to the suburbs.

1) The female staff are totaly gorgeous!!!! They could have asked me to try on a pair of knee high boots and chances are I would have said yes...or just said no its OK just ring the up I'll try them when I get home.

2) There are tons of them.....hot young women running about a crowded store bending over every 3 seconds my eyeballs nearly popped out. That's a great sales tactic, hit em hard hit em fast and hit them from all sides. It's like Blitzkrieg but with tits and ass all over the place.

3) Blond haired guys wearing hats with there trousers round about there ankles (wearing striped rainbow coloured boxers) have to stay at least 50 feet away from me at all times or I'll kick them in the balls so hard they will need a hat to hide the baw shaped dents in there foreheads.

4) Guys in vintage clothes shops get all the snatch...fashion sense and access to old tatty crap equals good times from impressionable young lassies.

5) Don't buy food from vendors on the street. Not cause its a rip off price wise or the food hygiene levels are sub standard, its mainly that these poor sods somehow think that you buying something from there kart somehow makes you a friend of there's and will progress to talk fucking pish AT YOU for the length of time you are being served by them.

FUCK YOU! give me my freezing cold burger with "Cheddar Cheese" (odd that you can now get authentic Cheddar cheese in the form of a processed slice freshly unwrapped before your eyes) and let me be on my way.

Oh and number 6 I do love my Little Annie to death and wouldn't trade a second with her for anyone else.

Mr Bison

That Time Of Year

Well, Well, Well it's getting to the highlight of most peoples years...THE END!

Being Scottish puzzles me sometimes as we do like to drink and we do love to party but at no such time more than New Year. We have our own word for it (Hogmanay) I mean I tried looking into other countries to see if they have there own names for it but fuck it I'm quite lazy on Saturdays. We love this time of year statistically we spend more than anyone else (that's personal spending) on Hogmanay celebrations. What I'm thinking of these days is what are we celebrating?

Is it the end to a great year?
Is it to forget the fucking crap year you have just been put through. The cold, the rain, the neds?
Is it to celebrate the fact that a new year has come at long last? One where all out hopes and dreams are realised? If so when do we stop then...when do we know when they are...or do we just keep going on hoping for the best?

I mean up in Stonehaven they swing 2 Meter wide balls of fire over there heads. Have you been to Stonehaven? I thought it was a little sleepy coastal town...now its like the island from "The Wicker Man".

I mean these guys have baws.
Mr Bison

Manager Bison 4

Well folks I came back from my Managers course a new man. After 8 days over the last 6 months I have been kicking ass and taking names at this great big manor house in England.

Now all the my efforts have born the fruit of hard work and sacrifice. I passed not only the course but my work based assignment has been deemed (by an independent body of adjudicators) to be a great analysis of management behaviours and how they can improve working conditions. For all my hard work i was awarded the highest honour with a Pass of 86% I was the only person in my team to gain a distinction.

I have to admit I did tear up a bit when I was asked to say a few words in front of the group but I managed to hide it well.

I don't think I have even been more proud of myself and the work I do, but at the same time sad for the fact...it doesn't mean much to anyone else how well I did. I can understand why some people don't bother trying to excel at things like this. They just turn up and go through the motions get drunk at the bar every night...I actually enjoyed trying to change the way I think and work.

I met some great people and even know stories of my exploits have reached people around the depot as everyone know associates Scotland with "that big guy...you know the one...hes dead funny." I really enjoyed doing it and I was amazed I fitted in so well with other people that I couldn't have less in common with even if i tried.

Mr Bison
Proud to be a swat

Ring Tones

While visiting my mate Del Boy at the studio he introduced me to a lovely couple that where in the area at the time. Husband and wife, great sense of humour, lots of good stories oh and of course both professional porn stars.

Never a nicer couple of people I have ever met regardless of what they do for a living. While his wife was shooting I was chatting away with the husband this that and the other usual stuff strangers talk pish about, where your from, what the weathers like, how many sugars you take in your coffee, holiday destinations etc. When all of a sudden his phone goes.

His ring tone was one I have heard a few times and I'm sure you would have to its of the woman using an announcers voice and saying "would the man with the 10 inch penis please answer the phone." It's still quite an odd thing to hear in polite company though so you try and ignore it and pretend like its quite a normal ring tone.

I some bizarre attempt of conversation making he then tells me, "I love that ring tone the moment I heard it. I love the Irony of it cause I actually have an 11 inch cock!" He then proceeds to laugh in an expectant way encouraging me to join in...yeah you got to love that irony...

Mr Bison

Stags at Large

OK quick Stag story again. On a Stag weekend in Blackpool we were walking by this bar and it was only around 7pm not even dark yet. The bouncer and some local were squaring up outside, bouncer talking big and telling the guy where to go, young guy giving it the same. There was 2 bouncers on the door so it looked liked they had everything under control.

We were walking by when I noticed that the guy had a blade sticking out of his trousers. Being the concerned citizens that we are, and not wanting to see anyone hurt, we shout a warning "Watch out he's got a blade." Warnings should be pretty clear and concise in my book, upon hearing this the two bouncers looked at each other and ran into the bar and shut and locked the doors. Leaving us outside with a very disgruntled youth with a possible penchant for stabbing folk.

At this point he decided his point was made and he walked off into the night without hindrance.

Morale of the story...Blackpool is really scummy these days...but it was still a great Stag Weekend!

Mr Bison

Wedding Blues

I was up visiting my mate Del Boy at the studio to see his extremely new and extremely expensive 44 inch canvas printer.

I noticed that he had a new display with examples of wedding albums next to it. Which I found odd since Del Boy hates doing weddings and has found that you can be extremely rich without having to snap women in white and men wondering if they have done the right thing.

So I ask, "You going to do start doing weddings again then?"

"Ach I don't know as soon as you do one the people come up and they bring their friends and they show them pictures then they want to book you then they want to get their friends booked in and the whole thing just goes on and on."

Puzzled i said "So your saying your not happy doing weddings because...it will lead to more weddings."

"Yeah!"

He did have a point I guess.
Mr Bison

More Wedding News

As I know he will be angry if I don't mention it I want to say a big congratulations to my mate Rex who has just got himself engaged to a lovely woman who I'm sure will treat him right for the remainder of his days.

Given my past record with Wedding events I'm not to sure if I will be going as it seems that while my new management style has mellowed me I still have a lot of old grudges that seem to flare up in formal settings.

We were at a little Fringe reunion when he told everyone and this caused a little round of who has the best stripper related story. Now through my wide and varied life of traveling and photography I thought I had the best one...I sadly have be hugely outdone by one of our fellow cast members.

During his first trip to a lap dancing bar he got pretty hammered and his mates decided to buy him a private dance. In good costuming style the dancer had the long arm gloves that give all strippers that elegant look they so desperately crave. Now of course there is a no touching rule but of course to get the guy involved a bit she offers him the tip of her glove in a sexy gesture, he can bite the tip and she can remove her arm.

Our guy not sure on the etiquette...BITES HER HAND! Prompting the poor girl to shriek and causing an abrupt end to the dance.

Mr Bison

Slippery When Wet

Now, I am known as being a man with a fair bit of intelligence in this old world. I don't show it much as I don't like being flashy but I know a fair bit about a fair but...when I don't I just guess. It's not uncommon that people will approach me for advice and guidance on a wide variety of things.

So one of my friends comes round a while ago with a very perplexed look on her face. She recently purchased a gift for herself from the battery operated section of her local Ann Summers, however she needed some advice after reading through the operations manual and finding the line, "do not get the product wet".

"What the fuck do they expect me to do with it if I can't get it wet?"

That is a very good question I thought.

Mr Bison

Thats My New Philosophy

Thinking of my mate Rex again (since I haven't seen him since our road trip to Moffat) I came across an E Mail that was going back and forth round the cast mainly concering Yoshimi and her affection for documenting the past in excessive detail (my inbox is still full of photos most of which I have no idea when they were taken and why). So one of the cast thinks its best that we all should just forget the show and get on with our lives...but he could have just said he was busy rather than stirring things up with this E Mail...

"Video replays can often generate a harsh personal critique of your own and others' performances, hence I would prefer to watch the video at my own leisure in peace and quiet and comfort and not at a potential 'pecking party'(sic!) as these video nights can very often turn out - even with the best intentions, people can be hurt by others' passed remarks. I'm a firm believer in "living the moment" and prefer to have my own personal memories, thanks."

My response was funny but Rex's still makes me laugh.

"I’m with ******** on this one – let it go!!

And in line with this new philosophy I’ve thrown out all my DVDs (watched them), photos (seen them) and CDs (listened to them). I’ve ripped up my degrees (not at uni anymore), examination certificates (not at school anymore) and my Blue Cross Code certificates too (right good at crossing the road now). I also told my brother to stop going on about his first born (boring) and informed my mum she’s to stop talking about that Jesus bloke (I mean it was 2000 fuckin’ years ago, man). And while we’re at it, shut the museums and stop teaching archaeology and history.

Onwards and upwards. "

God Bless you Rex
Mr Bison

Dreams & All That Pish

I've been a bit stressed....pretty much all my life so I try not to take much notice of dreams but here's one that really freaked me out.

In the dream I was so overworked I got myself Cloned to help with my work load. After a week I find I'm still working to hard mainly because my Clone is living my life better than me. He's to busy partying with his friends to actually help out where the hell did he meet them?

I come home turn on the TV and there's my Clone on TV getting interviewed about his engagement to Gillian Anderson with no shirt on (don't ask me why) and hes got this tattoo on his chest of a Dolphin surrounded by stars (don't ask why I can't think why he would get that design)

I've always wanted to get a tattoo but have been to scared to get it done what makes my Clone so fucking cool?

Mr Bison

Manager Feedback Time

OK folks that's me back, was getting a bit stressed with all the effective managing that I have been doing so thought it was best to take a month off and rest.

For the final part of my course I have to hand out evaluation forms for my colleagues to completed. What my strong and week points are and what areas I need to work on.

So one of them came back under the section marked "Name Three things this person does least effectively".

He put;

1 - "Can be over critical at times".
2 -
3 -

So I pinned it to the wall in the shift managers office with...IT SAYS THREE FUCKING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! written on it.

Perhaps he has a point.

Mr Bison

Off

Having a month of folks have a look at the back catalogue if your bored.

Mr Bison

Mamma Mia

I was speaking to my mate Yoshimi and she was over the moon as her and her mates were going to a Sing-Along-Version of the Movie Musical "Mamma Mia." You may have heard about it...its a musical that uses songs from a famous band to help tell the story...or in other words not a musical at all!!!

Musicals have original scores not just some old broken up bands back catalog. So its the story of a young girl trying to find out who her dad is before she gets married. It's a choice of three cause her mum got gang banged at a party in the 60's. I mean come on what a shocking story line how does everyone just gloss over the fact the girls mum is a total slapper? The film should be about the girls need for therapy before she ends up in a 3 way marriage set in the back drop of the LA porn industry.

Anyway, she just txt me shocked from the cinema "Oh my god they have Subtitles in the film!!!!! This is going to be great" I can just imagine her sitting there with her lyric book trying to read in the dark and being so happy.

Mr Bison

Wedding Punch Up

Anyway think back to my friends wedding last week. Those who know me will know I do have a very glum face and I don't "Smile" in the conventional sense. Cause I never really learned how i think its cause I have a small mouth and hate showing my teeth (and yet my tongue is huge the human body is really odd sometimes). At the end of the night (after I was up Ceilidh dancing my ass off and body popping at the table and making friends with a new photographer from Leeds and talking to some other cool folks) this bawbag i have never seen before puts his hands on my shoulder and says, "Don't you ever fucking smile?"

I mean this guy has a gift...he can look at someone and say exactly the right thing to make them as pissed off as the can be!!!! I was wearing a kilt I love wearing a kilt you fucking twat you can't be miserable wearing a kilt that's something our ancestors fought for!

Now my friends will tell you that the last few years I've become much more mellowed due to a rule I enforce where I give everyone 10 seconds to shut the fuck up and and move away from me and if they make it to the safe zone I forget about it. This guy just stood there not moving not saying anything...Pissing me off!

Now you know you have anger issues when the BRIDE has to step in between you and some dickhead who's had 15 to many. At this point I would again apologise again to my dear friend who has been nothing but a ray of sunshine whenever I speak to her. It turns out the guy in question is a friend of the grooms who even warned him not to antagonise the other guests. When the Bride saw him and me conversing she knew it wasn't a "Do you happen to have the time?" sort of conversation. Good reflexes on ya girl your one hell of a catch and I would never ever deck someone at your wedding no matter how pissed off I was.

As for the bawbag in question...I'll see you at the christening.

Mr Bison

Patato Letter

Taken from the book "Highland Letters During The Potato Famine" this touching extract is from Emily to a Jack.

Dear Jack

You fucking rat! How could you do this to me? You come up here with your smooth talk and broad shoulders, get me into bed and ride me silly for two days, then you run off with all my tatties. I worked hard to grow them and you think a dirty weekend in the bran when my poor Billy bed ridden with the Scurvy means you can run aff with me spuds.

I'll track you down if it's the last thing I do bawbag.

Emily

To Much Love and Music

Now my mate Rex is a great guy but with his 9 to 5 job you would expect him to be a bit more...subdued and professional in all situations. But its good to see that you can be good at a serious job and still be wild at heart.

So at the Fringe one of our Senior cast members gets talking to Rex and the subject of Guitars comes up. We always encourage guitar playing at the fringe as were all creative souls and we like to Jam very loudly into the wee small hours. But some people can take it to far and you when they go on and on about it your mind starts to wonder a bit and you wish you could just say something to shut them up...wall Rex managed to do just that.

"You know I've got a room in my house that's full of guitars. I've been playing all my life and I've collected some of the best guitars all great deals as well. This one here was only £29 I mean what a deal brand new 29 quid. I have around 43 guitars all wall mounted in this one room of my house its fabulous you know a real sight. You fancy coming round to mine sometime and see them?"

With a straight face and dead pan delivery Rex simply said "Why? Do you want to Bum Me?"

And people say you should never answer a question with a question. Classic! I'm now racking my brain trying to work out when I can use this as a response. Rex my hat goes off to you.

Mr Bison

Good Time Had By All

I had the best time last night, it was fab to see my old friend dressed up like a princess. Something is bothering me though I'm still single and that's 2 of them married off now and one more coming up. Still doing not bad in that grand scheme of things but I really don't want to be the last one to get married, because that's what every ones expecting. Me to cough up for 9 presents and get nothing back...well not this guy I'll fight tooth and nail to get somebody...hopefully I wont have to fight her thought that would be counter productive.

So I quizzed the room and would you believe it not one of my mates knew that Adam Smith as on the English £20 note!!!! Even the girls from England didn't know that. Well Fuck You Elgar no one wants to hear your Romantic Pish that's what you got bumped. I gave few lectures on Smith while the band were on break. People ask why I talk about him so much but trust me if you ever get asked who is your Role Model in an interview...I know I'm sorted.

One thing did put me out a little bit i'll tell you that one another time just be happy that i'm happy. I don't get many chances to get out and be fun anymore so thses little breaks in sitting about the house really make it all worth while.

Mr Bison

Ode to a Econ Sister

Its a sad one this day folks something to touch your little soft special areas. Today is a very special day as a friend form my old econ course is marrying the man of her dreams. The few years I knew her at Uni I was never a happy guy everything got on my nerves and I had a lot of issues that I felt would never go away. She was like a beacon that flashed constantly about how positive thinking and a less serious grip on reality could make day to day existing a lot easier.

Always had a smile on her face this girl and she was unshakable (and she even shocked me a few times which is not easy done). In all the good and fond memories I have of her I only have one that will stay with me forever as thinking about it shows that I am a good person to turn to in case of an emotional crisis.

Now, before anyone jumps on at me about this not being accurate as far as I'm aware this is exactly how it went and it is one of my most treasure memories so please don't piss on my bonfire. I'm waiting on confirmation from the bride on this account.

During our Honorers year we all had to sit a course called EPA (economic policy and applications) It was a hard class and the lecturer was actually quite new to the Uni and wasn't that good at teaching to be honest. So everyone was really nervous and it showed, when we got into the exam it was customary for the invigilator to actually say "You may turn over your exam papers and begin."

Fifteen minuets of watching 60 students not write she finally says you may begin. That kind of thing at the beginning of an exam can fuck up anyone. The time was added on to the end but some people just thought the worse as stress levels went through the roof.

After the exam me and my mates when back to the honours communal room to study for the next exam in a few days time. Sitting balling her eyes out was the Bride who was inconsolable about it and she could only think of the worst. Me (you remember me right) knowing that a bad start like this could cripple any runner, I took a few seconds of silent thought and came up with a line to handle the whole situation and get my friend back on track.

"Let's get drunk." The room looked at me like I had just stabbed the 800lbs Elephant in the room. Three days before the next big exam and this nutcase wants to get tanked, well I thought of it as therapeutic drinking just to get her mind off the exam (which she didn't fail by the way). Things like this happen all the time you forget about them and move on, but when your met to be concentrating on more exams you can let the fear grip you to much.

I remember her smiling and a little laugh slipped out and after a few minuets she gathered her things and all of us went down to our little home away from home the "October Bar" at 1pm on a Monday afternoon in May. Ordered some chips and other nibbles a round of beers and white wines for the ladies and the beer tasted sweeter because it was a little bit wrong to be out when we should have been studying. An hour later she was fine laughing and joking and we all left in reasonable shape to get some revision done.

It hurt me to see someone so chirpy all the time look so sad and all I can wish her on this day is that from now on she never has a reason to be sad again. If you do hunni just remember you have a great husband a spectacular family and friends that will always be there for you.

Mr Bison (tearful yes!)

Moffat, Home From Home

So to end the show we like to go down to Moffat to do a little show and spend the night. This is the last time we will all be together and it really has been a very emotional time for us all so I know that when we all go back to work on Monday we will really feel the pinch.

The show went great but my role as the Catatonic nut case became really hard to endure as keeping still for 20mins each time was really really tough. I nearly pissed myself laughing at a stupid "In Joke" that means nothing to the audience but everything to the cast.

Without sounding like a little sissy I wanted to spend the last run in the company of my good friend Rex, who I must say has not disappointed me in any way during this project. I've been waiting 8 years to find someone who could crack me up at the Fringe and this guy done it without breaking a sweat. He was pure rock and roll the whole way through and it made me think fondly of all the craziness we used to get up to back when I was 17 at the Fringe.

His crowning glory I sadly was not in attendance as the second hotel as further away than his me, my lawyer and some others went home they decided to stay up and play some tunes on the guitar. Now, for those of you who have been around...Actors + Booze + Musical Instruments + Hotel = BANNED!!!!!!!!!!!

The South African owner of the hotel was not impressed "I've had 5 complaints already about you guys, and one women called me and said she isnt going to fucking pay." Now if this was my hotel and some woman said she wasn't going to pay I would have called the cops on her not hassle Rex and the gang.

I also have the possibly last Gusism ever...after driving down to Moffat from Edinburgh he enters the little theatre and says "Scotland! Whats with all the fucking Heather? I mean it's all over the place." Jeez man the sun was shining the drive was great and Scotland is the greatest country ever...leave the heather alone man.

Mr Bison

Confessions of a potato lover

On my trip to the Fringe this year I came across a great little find in a little book shop just off the Grass market. Without coming across like some demented Harry Potter fan its a bit like that shop he buys his books from...run down nothing special but inside is all the books you have never heard of. Old and tattered but holding such old wisdom that is long forgotten in today's society. Tales of love and anger through all the hardship of before it makes me weep what our great great grandfathers went through to make this country great.

I found a touching little book simply titled..."Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." I didn't haggle I paid the old book vendor the full 80p and left the shop clutching my piece of history.

Now if I may I would like to post a extract from this touching book, and I would like to make it a regular thing whenever i read something that touches me I'll post it for all to enjoy.

An extract from "Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." Addressed to Gretchen MacFarlane signed only Angus.

My Darlin Gretchen

Have you got any tatties hen? I could really use a few spuds down here, ma mince is skiteing aff the plate there's nothing keepin it company. I'd give ma left nut for wan eh your shephurds pies, god I miss my spuds.

Forever Hungry
Angus

Fringe 8

Well it's all over folks done and dusted were packing up and heading home. It was a great week the Critics hated us and the Audiences loved us...that's the stuff real stories are made from. We sold out every night apart form the nights where we over sold (get it round you, bawbags). At the end of the day were there to entertain people and we did that just cause we didn't get a bit of paper from some hack telling us how great we are...who cares we still had a sell out show and people left the venue feeling something...alive most of all.

I enjoyed this fringe more this year as we had so many new people joining us and we could see the way we felt all those years ago in there eyes.

My friend Rex (at 10am this morning while waiting for the cafe we were in to get milk...just cause your a fucking hot blonde and wear a little love heart covered skirt doesnt mean we won't be pissed off on waiting an hour for a cup of tea...was a good hour though great ass on her) was sitting a little glummy looking thinking about going back to his real life when all of a sudden he ducked his head under a little spot light and began reciting his lines...I literally had to shake him loose. It's a common side affect of the Fringe that you have to stay away from spotlights or you will have an uncontrollable urge to break into character and put the show on in your local Tapus Restaurant.

I worry about him the most as I remember my first year going home was a crushing experience, the only thing to do is just keep yourself going and every once and a while little snip its will come back to you and they will put a smile on your face that a grumpy old which can't take away from you.

Mr Bison

Fringe 7

Now the point of theatre (I have always thought) is to make the audience feel something…anything you know what I mean. A comedy should make you laugh till your sides hurt and a weepy should do just that, put a tear to your eye. Make you feel something that you wouldn’t have felt otherwise…as most shows are set quite specific in bizarre circumstances.

Movies can do it but the power for someone to do this live while we watch them knowing that there just pretending is a true accomplishment So I was delighted to hear that people have been leaving the show in floods of tears at how the story ends. I’ve seen real tearjerkers in my time but if you don’t give a shit cause the acting is so bad then of course you wont through a big weepy one. I mean life is painful from start to finish the problems of some fictional characters don’t come anywhere near close to your real life problems, so to those who came to Venue 186 and shed a tear for us THANK YOU!

However, the oddest thing I have ever heard was from the member of the audience who approached the director after the show. “That was fantastic very, very touching. Can I just ask though see tomorrow…can McMurphy escape at the end?”

“I’m sorry?” My lawyer replied not sure what to say

“You know, I think the audience would like it better if him and Billy got away at the end you know leave them with a happy thought. All the throat cutting and smothering is quite distressing you know.” He couldn’t have been more serious about it.

I mean come on it’s a play not a DVD with a crappy alternative ending…even then I doubt Ken Kesey would allow such an injustice to occur. The whole show is gearing up for a violent ending and that’s what happens. The hero doesn’t always get away and no one should expect them to. It wouldn’t be the same show if he got away at the end…it would just be like every other happy ending pish written.

Mr Bison

Fringe 6

Of course like all things as big as the fringe you will of course see some absolute pish. I got suckered into a one woman show that I thought was a play. I will have to start reading more reviews next year try and gauge how good shows are before forking over cash for them.

I took Rex with me and within 5 mins of watching I tapped him on the leg and said “When you want to walk out just let me know.”

He replied genuinely “Nah I wouldn’t be so rude.” I told him to say that in another 5 mins when we start peeling the skin from our bones. They should mark these shows like the mark personal adverts cause this chick was definitely SWF (single white female for those who haven’t seen the film). Turns out it was a one woman show about a nursery nurse who is going through a divorce and is losing control at her work. The odd thing is that the audience were laughing at all these carp jokes making me wonder what the fuck were we missing?

After the show it was a party back at the flats with tunes on from the Bison’s big list and then we broke out the guitars for some acoustic tuneage. We even managed to get a round of the “Edinburgh Fringe Blues” in where we screamed till it hurt about one of the casts moustache, this is always a highlight of the fringe.

Mr Bison

Fringe 5

Today’s show of choice was a nice little one woman number about second hand clothes, with my friend Yoshimi. I don’t see her often but we usually meet at Fringe and she pretty much buys all her clothes from charity shops so I thought this was the best show for her. The funny thing is that the whole show actually made me think about relationships more than selling old clothes.

Aren’t we all right now just swapping partners around until we find the right fit? I know we all get new partners from time to time but come on there not really new are they? Other peoples smudges, handprints, bad habits, scuff marks these things change us make us slightly different each time. The older you get the more baggage you have and the new crisp feeling you once had when you were young just isn’t there anymore. Your not soft and gentle, years of experience will have made you hard and cynical about most things. Now think about how rough you are imagine what the people you date will be like.

I was thinking that I should have had more fun when I was younger as that is probably the last time I will ever get a proper of the shelf new girlfriend. I worry that the long I go without finding my true love the harder I’ll become and of course how hard she will be by this time.

Of course you can always get a brand new never been used one…but there quite hard to come by the older you get. Unless of course you’re exceptionally rich this does attract the younger models to the area of you but I mean you would have to be really rich.

I said this to Yoshimi and in her ever diplomatic way agreed with me but then put a more positive slant on it . She told me, "Worn has a history. It makes it more interesting. Anything without a history is sterile. Be it clothes, and item or a person, we're where we are because of where we've been. It shapes our thoughts, our opinions and our futures. I think something a bit worn enriches who or what it touches." Just imagine shes saying it with a Japanese accent to get the full effect.

I like that thought, I'll be taking that one with me.

Mr Bison

Fringe 4

In all my 8 years of the Fringe I have never had the will power to make it to a show that starts at 10am…apart from the shows that I’m crewing and therefore have to be there. Today I finally made it to “Shakespeare for Breakfast” the show that boasts a great comedy show and coffee and croissants included in the ticket price. Not only did I laugh my ass off but I had the pleasure of seeing the hottest red head on stage I have ever seen. It was painful to watch a show with the cast so dam good looking. I’m even now considering stalking her, she’s in a kids show and I’m trying to get my Godson on loan for the morning. If I sit in the front row and I might get some audience interaction from her…then I could follow her around for the day after the show see where she goes, who she hangs around with then a little trip to court to finish the day off. As a wise man once said “it aint stalking, it’s just selective walking.”

The most interesting bit was after the show ended and we were waiting in the lobby when my lawyer starts to hand out flyers for our show.

Front of House Staff: “Sorry sir are you performing at this venue?”

Lawyer: “No!”

Front of House Staff: “Then I am going to have to ask you to leave. Now.”

All my crazy stuff I have pulled at least I’ve never been chucked out of a venue. There are a lot of rules when it comes to the fringe and for some reason the one person who is meant to be making sure we don’t break them is the one person who just does what he feels like.

Tonight was the best night I have ever spent on stage in my entire life; I’ve spent so long backstage I have forgotten what it was like to be part of a live show that just ran so well. I’m proud to be among such great actors each extremely dedicated to this project and amazed at how well this show has be received by the audiences each night.

Mr Bison

Fringe 3

Now on day 3 of staying up till 5am having fun and laughing my ass off. Really starting to make me tired during the day. My breakfast consist of toast and cereal (better than left over Kebab I guess). So far I have only seen one show but I’m hoping to catch one today and two or three tomorrow.

My highlight so far has come from my friend Rex (self confessed Fringe Virgin) as he was out in costume flyering our show he stopped to enjoy one of the street performers. As the silent actor stepped away from his cap to scare a small child, a local junkie crept out of the shadows and in true thieving style walked calmly towards the mark and then sprinted off down the high street.
Rex of course watching the full thing unfold and was slightly confused as to how this was designed to be entertaining. He soon realised after the performer came back to his original position that he had in fact been robbed. Approaching him Rex tried to ease the blow, “Sorry mate but emmmmmm I think you’ve been robbed.” All respect to the guy he didn’t break character he just stared at Rex and then walked off.

All I can think about is the poor sod busting his ass as a statue for 8 hours then his hard earned pittance being used as some junkies nightly smack hit.

But come on does it really matter? It’s not like it’s his full time job…unless it is then I’m sorry for being so insensitive.

Mr Bison

Fringe 2

We are staying quite close to an area know as the pubic triangle as it has 3 strip bars in certain locations that may or may not be shaped like a flange. I am happy to say that in all my years i have never sent foot in them as they scare the fuck out of me. One is named after William Burke and William Hare the famous Murdering Duo that would chibb ya then sell your body to the Edinburgh Medical Collage. I mean can you imagine what those sick bastard students did with those poor souls after they were brutally murdered.

S0 why oh why would you go to a lap dancing bar named after those 2...in all fairness though you walk in pay whatever and leave with a fresh stiff...they should have named it The Dr Knox Lap dancing Bar.

Any way on Friday i see a sign outside one of the bars that stares "Lap dances £5." Wow that's a good price for a pair of tits in your face I thought, but we were all busy and had work to do so I let what is be for the time being.

As I was walking down to the grass market on Sunday afternoon (the real start of the fringe) I look over and see that the sign has now changed to £10!!!!!! A 100% jump in price over the course of a day what a shock to the system i mean come on folks were in the middle of a credit crunch here.

I mean come on Sunday afternoon not like it’s the only day of the week guys can actually go and enjoy a pair of strangers tits being rubbed in there face…you can’t even buy booze in Asda until Noon but you can get a dry hump to pass the time if you want.

Mr Bison

Fringe 1

Well here it is folks the highlight of my year THE FRINGE!!!! This is now my 8th year coming through and I love it to bits. It’s an opportunity to be ripped off on a whole new level by people who have had years of practice, as prices for the things we take for granted go through the roof.

I have my laptop and while looking for an silly bugger who doesn’t have an unsecured I find that technology is the perfect opportunity for the nerds of the world to put in all there little sad in jokes. As I scan through the endless list of connections one is very proudly marked “Malfoy” as in Harry Potter’s enemy at school. I mean that’s just odd, why would you want to be that character? That shows this person has a real low self image, pick a main character at least. If I met I guy who thought he was Jesus I would have a lot of respect for them as you can’t get better than that, he’s top dog in the “people you really want to be,” list.

But who the fuck wants to be the evil bungling kid from Harry Potter that’s not bad ass at all, beef yourself up a bit. Get a good nickname like one that hints you have a big cock, you won’t be able to keep it indefinitely though, eventually women will get wise but by that time you will have picked up enough sex tips to get a good reputation based on your own accomplishments.

I wonder if people with low self esteem masturbate. Isn’t that a kind of contradiction in terms if they do? Learning to love yourself is the first way to get others to follow suit I always say.

Anyway thanks Malfoy

Mr Bison

Stalker

You, You Yes You I'm Talking To You

Ladies and Gents there is a really creepy guy sitting in his flat right now doing horrid horrid things while reading my and my lawyers blog. He even went to the trouble of bookmarking my blog for ease of use...sickening.

I bet he even gets some kind of sick pleasure that I have acknowledged him on the blog makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Of course I will have to give him a name to live on the blog...I'm going for Rex. I wish him all the luck in the world in trying to cut my fingers off and eating them but I doubt he has the stomach for it.

Mr Bison

Non Stop

Sorry folks

I've been working non stop since returning from my course as I have my Uni course work due in as well as a work based assignment and of course the fringe is in 2 weeks time.

Today is my Lawyers Annual Birthday BBQ so I'm sure there will be some great stories from that.

For a guy who isn't really well liked I go a long way to make people happy. Keep a look out though and ask yourself if you could ask Jessica Rabbit one question what would it be...there is a story behind this but it wont be for a few more months.

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 3

And that's it folks I am now at home after traveling 6 hours trough the worse traffic in the country and totally bummed out that on Monday I will be back at work and I wont hear or speak to any of the wonderful people I met.

So lets summarise what I took away from the 4 days in paradise...

6 new types of soup tried and loved (no more room for red soup in my cupboard now)
120 cups of tea drank
10 hot chocolates
I have eaten more green things in the last 4 days than I have in the last 4 years
17 new friends each one an inspiration to know
134 hilarious stories that I hopefully will never forget
A very cute red head took great pleasure in squeezing my massive calf muscles
A feeling of enormous self worth

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 2

Well sadly today I have came back to my room not as happy as I was yesterday after my course. The tasks were again my kind of thing but I got really angry when something I understood and could do easily...I couldn't do in a team dynamic. Sadly this was the point of the exercise and the whole reason I am down here.

In all my years I have aways have had difficulty in trusting others enough to let them get on with things and even the things I do delegate out I always check which again is time out of my day that I shouldn't be wasting.

Sadly I found the constant inability to complete the tasks successfully pushed me over the edge and I lost my temper which I am really regretting now. I guess they were right you can only hide your core values for a little bit but its things like this that bring them out.

Not very proud of myself

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 1

Mr Bison is off to the country today on a little management course to help the day to day hassle and bustle of the office.

As I thought I kick ass at this kind of thing, I have no real set styles of working I can plan to the Nth degree and do things off the cuff just as easily.

I was once told by one of my bosses that although I'm technically competent at anything I am doing i am lacking in overall management skills. Now sitting hear after my first day all I can think is...what a load of balls. I kick ass at giving orders and working with people while at the same time can still kick ass at being great myself. I've got management in my blood and I know my leadership skills are the kind that get the job done right first time.

Also the place is rampant with good looking strong independent women who like to take control of a situation...so that aint to bad.

Mr Bison

Lean on me...for an hour but then i have to go

Today, although I am slightly down, I am smiling because I'm spending time with a great lass. Shes my second favorite English Girl (the first being Auntie Bison) she comes up to Scotland about 4 times a year as her capacity as model and all round great gal.

Other than that we don't speak much, but no matter how long it's been no matter what has happened over the long months she always greets me with a huge smile and a hug that could cripple a bear. She was the first girl that taught me that slow hands gets the best relsults...a lesson i now use out side the studio as well.

My fav thing about her is that she loves my taste in music (something odd about that statement I know) and always wants to take away some CD's when we part. I often get told that people will remember me whenever they hear a song on the radio oddly enough it's never the same song from person to person some people think of "If I had a million dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies. Someone else thinks of "Place your hands" by reef...but my English Rose always thinks about when she hears "Pump It" by the Black Eyed Peas ;-) The song was track one off there second album and I loved it before it was released as a single so I put it on a CD for a shoot and she asked me about it. I did my boring thing and explained the whole thing note by note...but I was pleased to hear from here a few months later that the song was played on the radio for the first time and she instantly thought of me.

Where is the Scottish version of her that's what I want to know...hopefully she will find time to read this and smile happily knowing that theres always a place for her up North (the good North that is).

Mr Bison

Bar Wars

And people think that the Scottish are cheap listen to this one.

My favorite haunt when in Dubai is a little place called Waxy O'Connors. Its like the one in Glasgow except its pitch black and the music is deafening. Two things I can really get into, I'll tell you a night time story in another blog but this one concerns Friday Brunch.

It's a real Ex-Pat place and on a Friday (the beginning of the weekend) they do a very nice Brunch...old the old English fav's. Yorkshire Puds, beef and roast potatoes...and all the bread and butter you can handle.

They also do a great deal on a Friday (in an effort to attract people in for the whole night) they offer a deal on drinks. Five drink tickets for 55 Dhs, which is less that Two pounds a drink very good especially for a dry Emirate. At one of these all day drinking sessions I was told about a very, very tight cooperate executive who no one really liked. You the kind turns up with you and your work mates and just makes the night uncomfortable. Well imagine that in a land full of booze and hot foreign women and not a Wedding Ring in sight, your trying to have a good time and behave and theres Sir Jeff grouping 2 Lebanese women while tapping you for a fag and telling you to refill his champagne glass.

So...the guys are out having a good time and along comes Sir Jeff wanting in on the action. He tries to be fly and wants to get a round in before the tickets stop being sold so he buys 20 tickets and heads to the bar. The deal ends at 6pm and by the time he's seen to it's 6:15pm so they wont take them no matter how much he shouts at the bartender. Reluctantly he coughs up the cost of the drinks and kicks himself for the rest of the night.

Not to worry he thinks I'll just come down early next week and buy the first round and then I can get free drinks the rest of the night...so he heads down early wait for everyone to arrive then announces that he will get the next round out of his own pocket...what a guy.

He walks up to the bar places the order and presents his tickets to the bartender only to be told, "These are last weeks."

"What? No way you don't change the tickets every week?"

"Yeah. We change the colour every week this week it's powder blue, you have last weeks mint green," the bartender explained. As they were fed up people stockpiling tickets and coming in whenever they want and drinking at a discount. Object of the game is to get them in the bar and get them to drunk for them to move onto another bar.

Stuck paying for another round of drinks Sir Jeff is not best pleased. Legend has it he still goes in every week waiting...praying for the day that they run out of colours and are forced to use mint green again.

Mr Bison

Window Pain

So me and Colonel James are heading off after another failed night bowling (beaten by 4 pins choked on the last frame again). While driving out of the car park the Colonel spotted another of our chums and decided to attract his attention.

Rather than rolling down the window like a normal person he proceeded chap the window whacking it with wedding ring to the sound of my shouting in his ear about what a tool he was.

"Oh sorry mate I forgot I was married." A statement I was then told I was not allowed to mention to Mrs James

Mr Bison

Suck or Lick?

Being out of the dating loop for so long I often check in with Little Annie to see whats new. Last time we met we were discussing the finer points of the art of pleasuring a man with your mouth. I told her that I always like it when the girl sucks on my balls when she does it.

She explained that there was a huge difference between how interested a girl is in you by one very important factor.

"I'll only suck a guys balls if I really like him any other times I'll just lick them," she explained.

So there you are the difference been true love and the rest...if she is willing to put your plums in her mouth then your onto a winner. If she gives you one coat then I would get back to drawing board.

Mr Bison

NHS Direct out the door

OK folks Mr Bison has had a little bit of a health scare and of course the only way for me to cope is to of course make fun of the situation.

I was told I have an extremely rare condition...this shocked me and I freaked out and refused to listen to anymore.

After reading up on it for a week I decided perhaps he was right. Now the reading material is not pleasant, all signs point to the fact, that although its not fatal most people who have it wish it was and theres no cure and it will get worse over time. The thought of living my life in constant and agonising pain really didn't appeal to me. But I thought ignoring it wasn't the best thing to do so i went back to see my Doc.

I apologised for my behaviour last time and asked him to run me through what the stages were and what can be done these days.

Doc - "Take these pills along with these pills and you'll be fine in 2 weeks."

Bison - "I'm Sorry? 2 weeks? The medical websites said there was no cure."

Doc - "Nah. Take these pills 2 weeks you'll be fine."

Bison - "You sure Doc? I mean you can't be 100% sure it will work."

Doc - "Yes I can! Just get enough of the stuff in your body the pain will settle."

Bison - "Oh I get it I'll be popping pills the rest of my life?"

Doc - "No Just the next 2 weeks then you won't need to."

Bison - "So I'm fine? I'm not going to get worse?"

Doc - "No you will be fine in 2 weeks..."

Bison - "emmmmm thank you?"

It's really hard to be pessimistic when the professional in the room is so sure that hes right. But I mean come on whats he going to say in 2 weeks time if I'm no better? Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Mr Bison

Crash

This is the first time I have ever, ever came close to wreaking my car but trust me if you were in the car with me you wouldn't have minded.

I'm just about to pull into my street, so I begin to slow to down and indicate when this vision of a woman comes taring round the corner on foot with a huge bag in one hand. Shes wearing a Summer dress and is running full pelt down the road looking over her shoulder every few seconds.

Now scenes like this aren't that uncommon in life but when the heroine has huge EE breasts the scene is allot more additive. The speed she was going they were bouncing everywhere I literary had to stop the car in case I crashed it!!!!! She didn't slow down for a second she just kept running right down the street.

It was like an Angel running past giving me the purest form of happiness and then leaving, letting me know that there is something out there I just have to keep the faith.

Mr Bison

Unwinding with the Bison

I have developed at very expensive habit, and it's very very addictive. Not allot of people probably know about this I discovered it parley by accident and it's something that was very big as far back as 1894.

Every night after I come come from work tried and sore I go to the fridge and take out a nice cold bottle of very expensive Coca Cola! Something about popping open the bottle cap and just letting the cold air drift out for a few seconds, even taking a deep breath of it in is intoxicating. Then it's time for the taste, and Coke out the bottle is something sweet let me tell you.

For the first few seconds it's bliss, it's like all your worries and troubles just flow into the bottle as you take a drink. Once you start you can't stop you want to hold that feeling for as long as you can gulp after gulp.

At 85 pence a bottle you can see why I'm regretting getting hooked.

Mr Bison

The Psychic Enemy

OK here's another thing to remember about the Cow Conspiracy. You know the saying that if Cows lie down its going to rain? Or that if they are all spread out in a field it will be a clear day?

What I want to know is who the fuck gave these sneaky cows the psychic powers and if they can predict the weather then who knows what else they can down with there superior minds. Telekinesis? Mind control? There the real, "Children of The Corn," man you drop your guard for one minute next thing you know your pitch forking yourself.

I mean we need multi million pound machines to predict the weather for us, cows in a field doing it by instinct what chance do we have.

Not only that did you know June is National Dairy Month...I mean come on with all the months it could be why give a month to the glorification of cows and what comes out them. All I know is I'll be keeping my head down till July.

Stay Scared
Mr Bison

Mr Smith Goes Down Under

This one has a little Father's Day side to it.

As a child of economics I have several Fathers, my dad for one and of course the founding Father, Adam Smith. Economics has always been around, you know that old joke about prostitution being the oldest profession? Well the way I see it without Economists there wouldn't even be a system of supply and demand in the sex industry to allow them to operate. Please note i am in no way saying that Economists pay for sex...or indeed that killing all Economists would stamp out the vice trade once and for all in the world, its just an observation.

Anyway why am I comparing hookers and great Economists in the same blog you may well ask? If you didn't already guess I'm an avid photographer and from time to time I look through other peoples folios online (please note this is not the same as looking at porn on line...you don't get to see as much). One picture I have just seen is a tight angel crop of a woman's pelvic region. Where a woman is wearing a G-String and a fancy French style garter belt, all well and above board so far. However, protruding from the top of this garter belt is the top of a Bank of England £20 note.

Here's the twist folks for those who never look at foreign currency except when holidaying in Blackpool. A few years ago the Bank Of England bestowed a great honour allowing the first Scotsman too appear on an English note and of course what fitting tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the Political Economy than Adam Smith himself. Along with an illustration explaining his theory in the the "Division of Labour in pin manufacturing." A great example of free thought and continuous improvement to something as ordinary as making pins.

Now imagine my shock upon the thought of Adam Smith's (one of history's greatest minds) face being tucked neatly into some strippers nether regions!!! Up and down the country this horrible practice is going on in strip clubs Adam Smith must be spinning in his grave at the thought of it.

I just hope all you ladies know what and honour it is to have such a famous face tucked away in your knickers.My only solace is that it is a fitting tribute to Mans Demand for Boobs, and its impact on the Supply of Boobs.

The graph below shows what can happen in the area of Supply and Demand of Boobs.


If the price is set at £10 then we will find an over demand for boobs that will not be filled at this price. If the price is set at £15 then we will see a demand shortfall and flooding of boobs in the market.

We can see from this graph that the market for boobs reaches Equilibrium at £12. At £12 there is no excess demand or supply for boobs. So through Smiths thinking the invisible hand of Economics will fondle the price of boobs until it reaches a satisfactory point.

Mr Bison

Internet Dating For The Discerning Nut Job

Talking to my sister just now she suggested that I tried Internet Dating (something which everyone suggests I do) its amazing the amount of people who are doing well with Internet dating while at the same time I haven't met any of them as there like the ultimate urban legend. "Oh you should try it my brother met his girlfriend through the Internet and now they have a double caravan in Inverness." Jeez like you don't feel like a total loser that people are suggesting this to you they have to put a cheery like that on top of it.

So Sis tells me that's theres loads of free Internet dating sites I could try...like its the cost that's putting me off from finding true love. In fact I wouldn't even go to those one's, the way I see it keep away from the free ones you need to go to the most expensive ones. This way the real cheapo nutcases will be weeded out leaving only the psycho that have some sort of income coming in.

Bottom line I still haven't decided to go down that road yet and I hope that sooner rather than later I can turn to some poor sod and say "Hey man you should try Internet dating my friend met his wife though that and now they have a lucrative career in the pron industry."

Mr Bison

Worried Looks

One of the reasons I started blogging was that my lawyer was doing it. In an effort to try and best my social betters I of course tried to do the same.

There is only one thing that worries me about my lawyer and that is the fact he has a tendency to stalk a certain comedian whenever he was a spare minute. He even boasts about it on his blog and that slightly freaks me out. I mean this is the guy who I trust more than anyone in the world and he has on numerous occasions verbally harassed a some what celebrity.

Going to the Fringe every year only fuels his obsession i imagine him in the audience of the poor mans shows thinking what it would be like to wear his skin and walk around pretending to be him. I don't mean little harmless idolisation he has actually approached him several times in public settings and most likely freaked him out with his crazy ramblings.

I often wonder if being around him is wise, the guy knows what my lawyer looks like and I doubt he has many other stalkers, we could be out after the show one night run into him and next thing we know we are getting forcibly ejected from the venue with our Fringe passes shoved up our arse's.

Of course he would take this as a mark of honour as he walks around showing everyone the bruises. I don't even think the guy is that funny!

Mr Bison

Update

Sorry I haven't been around much folks not been my tip top Bison self since June rolled into town, but I'm doing a bit better so here's me getting back into the swing as it were.

Since doing my top 500 song list I have had...

No major record labels asking me to join there staff as a talent scout.

No bands have been calling the house to try and bargain there position with offers cheap young groupies and hard drugs.

No women have found the fact I have sorted my top 500 songs into a definitive list a sexual turn on (especially since there's no Justin Timberlake songs in it)

I have however...

Started my Uni course and it is going great with a full cast of characters to amuse me on a weekly basis.

Rehearsals have started for my Fringe show I'm still not 100% but hopefully with some R & R I will get my acting hat on straight.

Work is still tough going but I can still WOW the big wigs when I need to...today I WOWED one of the SMT by naming the band that were currently on the radio (Boston-More Than A Feeling number 83 on the list.) Popular song but not allot of people my age could name the band.

Won the Lotto twice one week after the other so going for a hat trick this Saturday

OK folks need to get going take care I'll see you all soon
Mr Bison

I Don't Work Here!

After yesterdays Dog Show me and Del Boy had to stop by B & Q for wood and of course an opportunity for him to buy whatever gadgets they have just brought in. It seems to me that this man cannot go a day without buying some modern miracle that will make his life easier or more entertaining. The top purchase of the day was an air cooling system that you simply add water to and it will blast out cold air lowering the room temperature (and yesterday was a great day to buy one as I am still feeling warm).

This part of the story is something that has always haunted me whenever I go out, right not I'm wearing a green and black long sleeve jumper that says flying something or other. I can't wear this when I go to Asdas as people will more often than not come up and ask where the bunion cream is. I used to think this might be because i look like I have bunions...but no people actually think I work there. How is that possible? Do people just see colours and think he looks like a dosser who doesn't want to be here...he must work here? No! I look like a dosser because I don't see why I need to dress to impress buying loo rolls and I'm carrying a basket!

Anyway this isn't the only place this happens I have been mistaken for a bouncer numerous times in my youth and once bizarrely a police man (this was during the day and the guy was very very drunk). Computer shops, art stores you name it people think I work there. I'm waiting for one day a manger comes out shouting at me for my untidy appearance and tells me to get back to work or I'm fired.

This time we are in B & Q standing next to the wood piling it up in my arms when a man starts shout propane at me from the end of the aisle. Confused, I shouted back to see what he wanted for all I knew he worked there and there was a propane leak and we had to run for our lives. But no it was a punter who thought cause we were dressed in black that we worked there. I explained the man’s mistake and sent him on his way.

If that wasn't bad enough a second person approaches us asking if we knew anything about PVC doors. "Are these screws alright for putting in the doors"? Before I could say anything Del Boy says "Aye mate they will be fine you won't go wrong with them". The Man then walks off happy...Del Boy then says you might as well help them out of you can. I mean technically the guy never asked if we worked there he could have just been asking for someone’s advice.

Me on the other hand I'm going to get a big T Shirt that simply says "It's My Day Off" written on it hopefully people will get the message.

Mr Bison

The Big List

Mr Bison's Top 500 Songs Of All Time List Click Link Below
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pDRInZTH7Mr9qeDFuhZ3LJg

OK folks this one comes to you bright and early as you are reading this I will be off taking pictures of some very large dogs known as Boerboel, and I'm sure I will pick up a few funny tails from this trip.

But here it is folks its the only way I could get it on the site i wanted to make it a down-loadable file but the link will have to do i guess. Feel free to peruse the list if you fancy and shout about my choices as with most things in life its all very controversial.

However, I'll just be kicking my feet up listening to some T Rex and contemplating this little bit of information I just picked up. Marc Bolan died in a car crash two weeks before his 30th birthday, having never learned to drive a car, and was known to fear them for he had visions all his life of dying in a car crash (references to which appear in some of his lyrics).

But of course if you spend your time worrying about car crashes chances are you would end up in one. Not Sods Law really just that kind of mentality would freak out anyone enough for them to panic behind the wheel. Any way drive safe boys and girls and I'll leave you with my fav lyric of all time "Well! You don't pull my strings, cause I'm a better man, moving onto better things".

Mr Bison

Finish Line

That's it folks I have selected the top 500 songs for the list all I need to do now is check for doubler's and sort the listings. I'll give you one clue and that's the last song I entered was "Let's get It On" by Marvin Gaye.

All I can say is that the last 9 songs were real tough to get on paper as scrawled through the back catalog with my back hunched up over the keyboard it feels so good to stretch.

Also I am slightly worried that I might never want to hear another tune again after all this...but then again I do like to rock!

I also got my confirmation later in from the Uni (again) and i have to post something back to them (again) so much paper work to get through but hey that's the life I have chosen.

Stay tuned for the final listing that will be posted this Saturday either as a downloadable Doc or something else I'm not sure how I will do it but I'll let you know.

Mr Bison

Euro Pish

I hate the Eurovision song contest with a passion, but every year my lawyer and his wife ask me to attend. Of course I hate missing a party and I love my friends so I head off, since I'm the UK I pick up a bottle of Bucks Fizz (see smarter than your average bear) and some fritters (cause I like them and they were 2 for one in asda so I'm having them for tea tonight).

Now this week has been a great week and everyone agrees I've been on top form with all my stories and crazy antics. But last night I just couldn't catch a break I mean there's nothing funny about watching crap bands dance about and then argue because all the Eastern Bloc countries vote for each other.

The only reason the UK ever won in the old days is cause there wasn't that many countries in the fucking thing. Now all we do is complain that these new countries keep doing us up the ass. All I can say is who cares there's no shame in throwing a huff if you don't get your way. What I don't get is how come no real bands or singers enter this any more? (If they ever did).

I can't wait till Scotland gets there own entry I mean we rock in every way. Anyway its all over with now just got home and i have only 30 more songs and my great work will be finished.

Mr Bison

How to lose your stalker in 10 days

OK something for the weekend, this one is another story about Del Boy and his mad cap life. During his day to day running of a pub he often books speciality nights to attract the crowds. One such night for those who like that kind of thing is the good old Scottish tradition of someone lying to you while either reading your palm, looking at picture cards, staring into a ball of some kind and my personal fave conversing with your dead relatives (which I sort of believe cause lets face it Scottish families love to interfere with your life why should death stop them).

He told me that after this particular Palm reading he will never go near another one ever again. During the course of the read the Palm reader stops and tells him she can't continue the reading. Oh gosh how intriguing...Del Boy being this way inclined he demanded to know what she was with holding. I mean its his future, what right has this chick got to keep him in the dark. After much persuasion she agrees and takes him away into another room away from the other punters, to lay on him his unspeakable truth.

"According to this line here...you haven't met your true love yet," she says whilst stoking his hand gently.

"Oh really?" Del says because lets face it to go through all that nonsense she might have a point perhaps she will give him a clue to finding his soul mate, what a nice woman to do that.

"That's what it says you haven't found your one true love...can I be your one to true love?" At which point it becomes very clear that hes in a room alone with a woman who is basically using her powers to trick him into shagging her. He of course told her to get lost as he is a respectable married man. What he forgot was she knew where he worked and all his contact details as well...and proceeded to stalk him in a very bizarre manner. I mean how can you get rid of someone who screams, "I'm your destiny! Were meant to be together it's in the stars." I mean that's real commitment you can't just shake that off like a bad cold.

My favorite attempt to bed him was an invite up North to join some kind of naked grope fest next to some mystical stones. So lads keep this in mind sometimes the freaky cool chicks really aren't that cool after all...especially when it involves massaging other people who you haven't met.

Mr Bison

Songs Update

Only 150 spaces left but time is running out for Mr Bison I wanted to leave some time to review the positions of my choices as even now I haven't decided what my top 5 songs will be.

I have been through all my tunes and then started going through my mates tunes only to get into some really big fights so lets just set the record straight.

1) NO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE I don't care if he did shag Cameran Diaz he isn't getting on the list.

2) Yes I have 2 Robbie songs on the list, this does not make my first point any less valid

3) I know some of the songs aren't sung by the original artists I like the covers better OK.

4) I do so have a life

5) You can't have to many Beach Boys/Kinks songs

6) Yes some of the picks are in there because the videos kick ass, presentation is 10% of your total mark don't forget

Mr Bison

Pearls Of Wisdom

OK folks as you may have noticed I have put up some warning signs for readers of a sensitive nature. Mr Bison is going blue I'm afraid, I will try my best to keep it as classy as possible but I am finding it hard to keep these blogs clean.

So lets kick things off with a story a mate of mine told me a few years ago, please note all names are totally fake as I promised never to mention this story ever and if she reads it she may not speak to me ever again. Sorry kiddo but its just to good a story not to tell.

The thought of someone not familiar with some of the sexual terms we use these days seems so foreign to me especially when you think of the damage "Sex and The City" has done to the women of the world.

Anyway this story revolves around a very naive girl and the very common phrase of a Pearl Necklace! My friend and her partner were enjoying the blessing of youth and as it goes our male protagonist proceeds to bless our heroines neck in the manner previously stated. This being her first time he proceeds to tell her that she is now the proud owner of her first Pearl Necklace.

Being slightly naive she then goes about with a little spring in her step, knowing that such an act is quite unorthodox and would be frowned upon by others makes it all the more fun. However, what is the most exciting though about this is that she thinks she is the one and only person ever to be told of this little saying...and there in lies the turn. As they stood waiting for a bus surrounded by other commuters and feeling quite randy (safe in the knowledge that no one could ever break this code) she blurts out, "Babes! When we get home can you give me a Pearl Necklace again?" To the amusement of most of hr fellow commuters who I only hope and pray pointed and laughed at her all the way home...and then proceed to tell there friends and family of the woman who enjoys the finer things in life far to much.

God bless you girl
Mr Bison

Dating Do's and Don'ts

I've not been single forever you know, I am quite charming in my own shy and reclusive ways. As it stands at the moment I am still considered quite funny by most of the people who love me (other than my mum and dad which is what I consider the control group. I mean they have to love you but they don't have to find your stories about work pattern analysis at all amusing).

A little while back I met this woman who really made me feel like a new man. I thought about her today as Tiny Dancer was playing as I drove home from work (not unremarkable as it was a CD I made up myself but you know it always surprises me when it comes around).

We knew each other for a little bit before hand and you could say we were mates, so through the course of things I found out that she was a Harry Potter fan but was upset because she didn't have anyone to go with. Me being me I of course stepped in to help her out of her social Potter conundrum. I didn't think of it as a pity date she made me laugh and I liked hanging out with her.

So we met up and grabbed a Big Mac before the show, of course me being me I didn't want to spring for high priced cinema goodies so we nipped into Asdas to stock up some cheap snacks. A good little mix of chocolate and wine gums you know what I mean you never know what you will feel like. She pays for the snacks and I pay for the tickets (most who know me know I will always pay for everything I'm far to old fashioned) and we head for the show.

At some point I must have gotten nervous as I soon realised that perhaps this inst just a friend's outing that I should have perhaps rethought my game plan. Of course when I get nervous I just shove anything into my face and about and hour I i started to feel a little groggy. Pretty soon after I started to feel really really sick. Now this is slightly bad I can't just leave her in the cinema she was enjoying the film. Then the sweats start up all I can imagine is getting outside into the cool air.

Finally Potter gets some baws and saves the day while crying at the same time now I just have to make it to the car and I should be fine. I needed to cut the evening short and get away before I threw up on the lass. We got outside I walked her to her car and this is the bit that will haunt me forever, she leaned in for the kiss...and I just couldn't. I couldn't even hug her, I left her hanging at 11pm in the cinema car park thinking "What a tool!!!!!!!". You know she was right...if i have learned one thing about dating never ever ever stuff your face with junk food. I mean I might as well got hammered and started falling about the place.

That one will always make me cringe.
Mr Bison

Emotional Tribute

No Blog today, just a quick note to commemorate the passing of a great man.

I am not in any way a football fan of any kind but today I was deeply sadden by the death of Tommy Burns, Player/Coach/Manager and a Remarkable Human Being.

Tommy Burns

16 December 1956 – 15 May 2008

Unlocked In Limbo

Here is the flip side on the recent events regarding the only entrance and exit to my flat. Now I cant lock the fucking door. Something which I discovered last night but ignored and somehow thought that time might fix everything. That's when I realised that the lock on the door is just an object not a love sick teenager.

Now I can't go to work in case someone breaks in I doubt my insurance company will be to happy about the whole situation. It will cost a fortune for to call a locksmith or a joiner to come out plus I don't know any that would come out on such short notice. Also I will now have to work Saturday to cover the hours I'm missing today. It was such a great week as well somethings just happen I guess.

So what to do? Lucky for me my dad has taught me well...can of WD40 will solve most problems

Please note this was written after the fact and the door has now been fixed so don't bother trying to rob me.

Mr Bison

The Magic Box That Owns You

I love technology it amazes me how the saddos of the world will go to the ends of the earth to make life easier for themselves. Nothing against it we all do it, people who are skilled with there hands will create and DIY everything in there house so that the little inconveniences are kept to a minimum, e.g fixing the door of the fridge so that it opens the way you want it (something I really need to do).

Of course some of these ideas are business driven the example I have in mind now is Pizza Deliveries. Ever had a party at your house and called in a pizza order only to realise you have no cash in the house as you blew it all on booze in your local off licence 2 hours before? I never carry cash with me at all to me currency is dead (shocking thing to say since one of my favorite Economic Heroes is John Law). So takeaway things I don't go for based on this social awkwardness. Now of course you can order your pizza online and even pay for it to me that's just efficiency at its most efficient.

Such a good idea as well that its amazing how I never thought of it myself, its designed for single guys the whole system...single guys eat pizza, single guys are either workaholic/sad online gamers or avid porn enthusiast's (or all 3 I mean even men can multitask when it comes to naked women and World Of Warcraft). So you can be checking through your favorite hardcore sex site and decide "man all this porn is making me hungry." Bada Bing Bada Boom some multi tasking later you can be eating some greasy cheese covered pizza dish.

Lucky for me I'm so lazy it hasn't came to that yet but I dread the day.

Mr Bison

Perfect 10...plus 10

Well I did it you may thing i'm as dumb as a bag of hammers based on my spelling and grammer mistakes but I kick ass at being a total dork.

Only took me 3 months but I got a perfect 20 on my brain age and its holding steady.

How i'm still single I will never know.

Morning After

Well this is a late blog as I spent most of the morning on my lawyers sofa holding me head and crying. As you may have guessed last nights read through was a great success with allot of laughs and once the scripts were away we began to party down. I didn't plan on drinking but I wanted to show team spirit so I got tanked off my ass.

The cast are looking great with some new faces and some old standards so that's not bad. Since I was staying over I was last man standing sadly if had known who bad I would feel this morning I would have not stood till 4am talking pish and telling the last remaining people how much I love them and how they have changed my life.

Woke up at 8am on the living room floor with my head trying to bust out of my ears. I was so ill I couldn't even eat anything until 2pm today. Of course I have sworn off drinking ever again from now until the end of time. Also I feel I may have been a little bit to loose with the old chat at the end of the night...dark, dark secrets that I really should keep to myself.

Mr Bison

Little Break

I'm taking a break from the 500 Songs to work on a new project, I was the victim of a horrible incident yesterday. I bought a tube of a certain type of confectionery yesterday at work (I wont name it for legal reasons). While eating said product I nearly choked on what can only be called a rock solid candy treat (but without the treat part).

Lucky for me I always chew my candy treats and upon finding one that was solid I spat it out post haste. So I think I deserve something for the stress of the whole incident. I have taken some pictures for evidence and I have sworn statements from the people in the office. I'm seeing my lawyer tonight I'll put the case to him see whats best to proceed.



Also is anyone else's toe next to there big toe bigger than there big toe? I haven't noticed before but it looks weired to me. What does it mean if it is bigger? God I get paranoid easily.


Mr Bison

Effective Management

Here's an advert that gets on my tits, you know the one selling loo roll with the baby as the boss running about the office being a baby and everyone else just has to get on with there job.

My biggest concern is how much this advert is actually mimicking real life office situations...you know what I mean you bust your ass all day for a boss who turns up late and needs his nappy changed all the time.

My latest grievance is the one where the young assistant comes into the office to be horrified at the sight of his boss with his lunch all over his face. Being the good assistant he is he proceeds to tell the boss he has something on his face. When asked for clarification he repeats that it is pretty much ALL OVER HIS FACE.

Then the boss coldly says, "your fired", and the young hard working assistant turns to leave while the sappy music plays over his sorry now unemployed ass...as in Ha that will teach ya you young up and comer.

I mean come on how on earth can you let that one go it's open and shut, "Ha your sacking me? Over that? Alright fine. I'll see you at the tribunal". Guy wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Mr Bison

House Call

Ignore the title I cant think of anything and i'm watching Season 4 of House. Good news is that my letter for my summer course has come in and I have been fully accpeted for my choosen course. I am now waiting for final confermation, some extra forms to fill in and I am golden. Looking forword to getting into back into the swing of having somewhere to go and trying not to fall asleep. Might even start walking to the lectures get a bit fitter, i'm still hoping I might meet someone soon, mainly because I arrived home at 5pm opened my living room window took of my work clothes off and sat around in my boxers...up until this point. This is taking single life far to far, I need a shake up.

I don't how people get together these days I really don't, like the idea of over practicing I think I might be over reaching trying to find a woman. Everyone tells me to relax and it will happen...or the best one so far, "You will meet someone soon. I can see it". Come on, how dumb do people think I am I know a comferting sentiment when I hear one. None of my friends want to beleive that I will die alone, cause that would be an injustice. Great guy like me poping off to see the big cheese before I get a chance to sample true love. If that can happen to a stand up guy like me then what will horrors are they due to face.

Relax dear friends the answer is staring me in the face but I just cant see it yet.

Mr Bison

Songs Update

Well I'm on my way folks I've got about 40 odd songs on the list. Now it was quite hard to decide how to do it. Do I pick my 500th song and work up? Start at 1 and work down?

Well I've went for the just adding them in as I go and it is a good feeling digging through all my old tunes listening to some old classics and slotting them in as I see fit.

People seem so alarmed when I tell them I'm doing my top 500...like they don't know 500 songs. Music is a great thing it can alter moods bring people up, bring people down it can help you make sense of what your feeling inside and it can even bring up all those old memories you thought were long gone.

This list isn't about what songs rock more than others, or who made more money etc it is a personal listing of what songs I consider to be those kinds of songs. You can pick anyone of the 500 and I can say exactly what it means to me the whole who what when why and where. Perhaps I'm just a little bit sad, putting so much on attachment on these songs...I mean there just songs right? Music and Lyrics and a bit of a tune...nothing else. These rockers don't know me they don't care about the pain in my life so why should they care how much there music has helped me deal with my day to day problems, and grow as person.

So perhaps it's them who are the sad ones not me.

Mr Bison

Wasted Days

Today was a bit of a bad day sadly, me and my mate Del Boy were meant to be going to a big Kickboxing event today, but sadly when it comes to these kind of things there's always problems that come up and for as much as I love him hes not the most organised of people. So for whatever reason I was left hanging all morning, even after calling and txting there has been no word from him (in actual fact I really hope he is OK).

With the current cost of fuel I am adopting a no show no go policy where I wont set foot out the flat unless I'm...well on foot or I know whats going on. Lets face it who needs to go outside anyway you have all the comforts of the world can be found in my luxury Penthouse.

Anyway a little bit off topic there, as I waited for the call my phone rang (ever had that its really odd when it happens). Depressed, down, disorientated all the D's in the book the phone goes and would you believe it...it was my own personal Angel who always looks out for me Little Annie.

I can't stress enough what this woman does for me, always knows what to say and makes me feel a little bit better about myself and the skin I am still trying to fit into at 25. She's heading up to the local shopping center and knowing that I was on a bit of a downer wanted to see if I would tag along. Now I've been shopping with Annie thousands of times and you would be amazed at how much you can learn about someone from how they shop. I decided to wear the T Shirt/Vest/Cardi that she picked out for me on my last shopping trip (which cost to much and I thought looked gay...but hey I guess that's why I've been single for so long women like rich gay men apparently). Even my mum liked it and mum still thinks I dress like a tramp.

On the downside though it turns out she was picking out new underwear as she had a new boyfriend and he was visiting her tonight...which does kind of put a damper on a fun day out knowing one of you is going home to a hot bed of passion and the other is going home to hover the sofa cushions.

We spent about an hour chatting about recent events and she always helps me put them in order and some kind of perspective, and for the life of me I can't think why even after 10 years of friendship she still finds me funny. I never took her as one to blow smoke up my ass for the sake of it. However, I just cant believe her when she says I'm the funniest person she knows, I mean I'm terribly depressive i even get myself down. To test my theory of smoke up ass I told her the story I told my workmate the other day about my stint as an Elvis impersonator. She found this story equally hysterical and continued to profess my wit as top class. She said that it's my inherent knack of meeting these people who have such a comic impact on my life. I think that is probably true perhaps I'm the eternal straight man trying to get by in life but constantly being hit with these nut balls who turn my day to day life into a Morcombe and Wise Sketch.

If this really attractive and funny person thinks I'm a real treasure then why can't I find a girl like her to share the rest of my life with. This kind of thing is what lights a fire under my ass, I need to get out there more push through the pain and get myself a keeper. When I moved out I didn't mind being single i really enjoyed some alone time but...but now it really sucks. Need to find a girl like Annie (hard though cause I swear there isn't one like her) but as a wise man once said "get rich, or die trying", and yes I did hover the sofa cushions.

Mr Bison

Top 500 Songs

My Lawyer seems to have allot more attention on his Blog and I think I know why. He spends his time thinking up mad cap things to do like now he is trying to round up 40 friends to have a cup of tea with. Now it seems like an easy thing to do but lets face it I'm 25 and I know about 40 people but after Uni etc you see them less and less until eventually you don't see anyone at all.

He also wrote a book in a Month, a venture I tried but I sadly gave up after 15,000 words. I find myself a man of halves, I have a great sense of humour and wit but I cant ever seem to finish a play or a story. I love music I can make up a CD that everyone can enjoy old songs, new songs obscure songs I just have a knack at knowing what gets people off. Yet for the life of me I cant pick up an instrument or hold a tune, makes me sad sometimes.

So how about this in the Month of May I will start and finish my greatest work...listing my top 500 songs in order of how much I love them. Not as easy as it sounds and it might get people talking a little bit in terms of what they think. It's something I really want to do and I think May is the perfect Month to do it.

Wish me luck
Mr Bison

Well Travelled

Driving is one of my favorate past times I love it to bits just gettng behind that wheel and shooting across the open road is a grwat way to spend the day. What I really love is driving with people who dont drive as they do say the cutest things which you can reply quite sharply..."you can leacture me when you learn to drive buster".

So a few years ago me and my mate Colonel James were driving down the road behind a very erratic driver in front of us. "jeeze look at that French idiot hes all over the place". Now, I'm not to keen on the French but I how the hell does his driving make him French. "Hes definetly French look hes got a sticker on the back of his car...it says Eccosse he must be French"

Classic
Mr Bison

Luxury Goods

OK this one is for my Lawyer who has chosen, “that one where the demand goes up as prices goes up”. So for your enjoyment here is Mr Bison’s take on the economic anomaly of Luxury Goods.

The standard definition of a luxury good is…

“A good for which demand increases more than proportionally as income rises, contrast with inferior good and normal good. Luxury goods are said to have high income elasticity of demand: as people become more wealthy, they will buy more and more of the luxury good. This also means, however, that should there be a decline in income its demand will drop. It must be noted, though, that income elasticity of demand is not constant with respect to income, and may change sign at different levels of income. That is to say, a luxury good may become a normal good or even an inferior good at different income levels, e.g. a wealthy person stops buying increasing numbers of luxury cars for his automobile collection to start collecting airplanes (at such an income level, the luxury car would become an inferior good)”.

Now this is a tricky one not like a Law where you can make up a complex example with graphs and such. So let’s try and get this one over and done with, goods determined as luxuries act differently from normal goods. These kinds of goods usually have a little something extra added to them, as is owing one is a symbol of your accomplishment…or to show how big your baws are. Take your stereotypical ideal of a Pimp…lets call him Daddy C. Now, Daddy C has a twenty ho’s in his stable and he runs four blocks or so on the South Side. He makes some good scratch but not as good as his main rival Rich T, who works the other side of town and runs an equal number of girls and occupies the same amount of turf.

Let’s assume that each Pimps stable contains women of equal value, so that costs and profits will be the same, and that territory is determined by some kind of gang overlord so increasing there working areas isn’t an option. The only way to increase income is to steal the others customers (or Johns). Rich T knows that to move up in the World he has to show he’s got baws, this can be done through beatings, intimidation and drive by’s but he’s a nice Church going lad so the next best thing is to increase the Bling. Gold chains are definitely a luxury good as they have no aesthetic value at all, but people are impressed with the amount of Bling round his neck. The more expensive and elaborate the stuff the more people will buy. Johns see all this Bling and instantly start moving towards the more established Pimp…I mean he must be good if he can afford all this crap round his neck. As Rich T’s income increases sadly Daddy C’s income will decrease in this situation his demand for gold chains will decrease, his demand for luxury goods will be replaced for necessities, such as petrol and ammo, leave little in the budget for serious Bling.

With all this attention Rich T’s income begins to increase meaning he can afford even more Bling but as per the first example once his income increases so much Gold chains become run of the mill so demand for gold drops and he needs to move onto the next level of luxury in this case fully customised bullet proof Hum Vees.

Here endth the lesson
Mr Bison

Lock in

At work today one of my team asked me if i was an Elvis fan, I replied quite sharply that that this was not the case. Upon my quick answer she enquired about the reasons behind this. I figure this is as good a time as any to tell the story of why I will never set foot in Stranraer again.

Now since my young days one of my favorite past times is the theatre not watching it but being part of it. I most of all love to dance, a fact that people who know me don't believe. But I can assure you when the beats are right I can dance anyone off the floor. For the last 10 years I have been a solid fixture in most local amateur dramatic companies and i have done a Fair bit of traveling in this capacity. One such trip was to the little port of Stranraer famous for its ferry's and popular as a stop off for Stag enthusiasts going to Ireland for the weekend.

The gang were doing a show down there in a local community hall (as we do form time to time I always like the idea of bringing theater to the places that don't have access to such facilities). As loyal crew i sign up and head down with the van. Show went without a hitch and we were all staying the night so we decide to hit the town for a few drinks. Oddly enough for a small place there was not a Pub were we could get a seat as all pups after 10pm became high volume rave halls for the local kids. We found a place called the cross keys and upon looking it seems like a dank and dreary hell hole and we all agree its the best place so far.

Last orders were not called and all the doors etc were shut over and the windows bolted before we realised we were caught in a very scary lock in. The drinks were free though so we didn't complain, until one of the locals got a bit out of hand. While singing in true club style he decided that perhaps it was time to harmonise with someone in the bar...meaning me.

So he shouts " You there, sing an Elvis song".

"emmmmm not really mate I don't know any". Hoping that this would turn his attention away from me didn't work as well as I thought.

"Don't you mess me about sing a fucking Elvis song NOW!!" I again protested as i didn't know any at which point he grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced my face into my pint. Of course me being the logical sort I thought one of my friends would step in. I look up and notice now one really taking an interest in what was happening to me. Again he repeated his request but again i refused on the grounds that I don't give into terrorists. At this point of the proceedings he punched me across the face, which is actually quite sore when you are being held by the back of the neck. I began to see my options shrink as the next punch was being lined up.

In a pinch when my principles aren't doing me much good I, of course, bend to peer pressure, "Commmme oneannna wahhhh so langoiola daaadhaa, ohhhh bolla heyna laidie laaaaaa" were the only words to come to mind but i sang that tune like Elvis himself. Happy with this fact my assailant released me and began to clap his hands happily to my merry rendition of Fake Hound Dog Blues in Prison.

Morale of the story is if you have allot of confidence you can outwit most drunks, then again i could have got a real kicking if he found my singing offensive. 50/50 I'm happy with my choice even although i didn't stand up for myself.

Mr Bison Has left the Building