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Having a month of folks have a look at the back catalogue if your bored.

Mr Bison

Mamma Mia

I was speaking to my mate Yoshimi and she was over the moon as her and her mates were going to a Sing-Along-Version of the Movie Musical "Mamma Mia." You may have heard about it...its a musical that uses songs from a famous band to help tell the story...or in other words not a musical at all!!!

Musicals have original scores not just some old broken up bands back catalog. So its the story of a young girl trying to find out who her dad is before she gets married. It's a choice of three cause her mum got gang banged at a party in the 60's. I mean come on what a shocking story line how does everyone just gloss over the fact the girls mum is a total slapper? The film should be about the girls need for therapy before she ends up in a 3 way marriage set in the back drop of the LA porn industry.

Anyway, she just txt me shocked from the cinema "Oh my god they have Subtitles in the film!!!!! This is going to be great" I can just imagine her sitting there with her lyric book trying to read in the dark and being so happy.

Mr Bison

Wedding Punch Up

Anyway think back to my friends wedding last week. Those who know me will know I do have a very glum face and I don't "Smile" in the conventional sense. Cause I never really learned how i think its cause I have a small mouth and hate showing my teeth (and yet my tongue is huge the human body is really odd sometimes). At the end of the night (after I was up Ceilidh dancing my ass off and body popping at the table and making friends with a new photographer from Leeds and talking to some other cool folks) this bawbag i have never seen before puts his hands on my shoulder and says, "Don't you ever fucking smile?"

I mean this guy has a gift...he can look at someone and say exactly the right thing to make them as pissed off as the can be!!!! I was wearing a kilt I love wearing a kilt you fucking twat you can't be miserable wearing a kilt that's something our ancestors fought for!

Now my friends will tell you that the last few years I've become much more mellowed due to a rule I enforce where I give everyone 10 seconds to shut the fuck up and and move away from me and if they make it to the safe zone I forget about it. This guy just stood there not moving not saying anything...Pissing me off!

Now you know you have anger issues when the BRIDE has to step in between you and some dickhead who's had 15 to many. At this point I would again apologise again to my dear friend who has been nothing but a ray of sunshine whenever I speak to her. It turns out the guy in question is a friend of the grooms who even warned him not to antagonise the other guests. When the Bride saw him and me conversing she knew it wasn't a "Do you happen to have the time?" sort of conversation. Good reflexes on ya girl your one hell of a catch and I would never ever deck someone at your wedding no matter how pissed off I was.

As for the bawbag in question...I'll see you at the christening.

Mr Bison

Patato Letter

Taken from the book "Highland Letters During The Potato Famine" this touching extract is from Emily to a Jack.

Dear Jack

You fucking rat! How could you do this to me? You come up here with your smooth talk and broad shoulders, get me into bed and ride me silly for two days, then you run off with all my tatties. I worked hard to grow them and you think a dirty weekend in the bran when my poor Billy bed ridden with the Scurvy means you can run aff with me spuds.

I'll track you down if it's the last thing I do bawbag.

Emily

To Much Love and Music

Now my mate Rex is a great guy but with his 9 to 5 job you would expect him to be a bit more...subdued and professional in all situations. But its good to see that you can be good at a serious job and still be wild at heart.

So at the Fringe one of our Senior cast members gets talking to Rex and the subject of Guitars comes up. We always encourage guitar playing at the fringe as were all creative souls and we like to Jam very loudly into the wee small hours. But some people can take it to far and you when they go on and on about it your mind starts to wonder a bit and you wish you could just say something to shut them up...wall Rex managed to do just that.

"You know I've got a room in my house that's full of guitars. I've been playing all my life and I've collected some of the best guitars all great deals as well. This one here was only £29 I mean what a deal brand new 29 quid. I have around 43 guitars all wall mounted in this one room of my house its fabulous you know a real sight. You fancy coming round to mine sometime and see them?"

With a straight face and dead pan delivery Rex simply said "Why? Do you want to Bum Me?"

And people say you should never answer a question with a question. Classic! I'm now racking my brain trying to work out when I can use this as a response. Rex my hat goes off to you.

Mr Bison

Good Time Had By All

I had the best time last night, it was fab to see my old friend dressed up like a princess. Something is bothering me though I'm still single and that's 2 of them married off now and one more coming up. Still doing not bad in that grand scheme of things but I really don't want to be the last one to get married, because that's what every ones expecting. Me to cough up for 9 presents and get nothing back...well not this guy I'll fight tooth and nail to get somebody...hopefully I wont have to fight her thought that would be counter productive.

So I quizzed the room and would you believe it not one of my mates knew that Adam Smith as on the English £20 note!!!! Even the girls from England didn't know that. Well Fuck You Elgar no one wants to hear your Romantic Pish that's what you got bumped. I gave few lectures on Smith while the band were on break. People ask why I talk about him so much but trust me if you ever get asked who is your Role Model in an interview...I know I'm sorted.

One thing did put me out a little bit i'll tell you that one another time just be happy that i'm happy. I don't get many chances to get out and be fun anymore so thses little breaks in sitting about the house really make it all worth while.

Mr Bison

Ode to a Econ Sister

Its a sad one this day folks something to touch your little soft special areas. Today is a very special day as a friend form my old econ course is marrying the man of her dreams. The few years I knew her at Uni I was never a happy guy everything got on my nerves and I had a lot of issues that I felt would never go away. She was like a beacon that flashed constantly about how positive thinking and a less serious grip on reality could make day to day existing a lot easier.

Always had a smile on her face this girl and she was unshakable (and she even shocked me a few times which is not easy done). In all the good and fond memories I have of her I only have one that will stay with me forever as thinking about it shows that I am a good person to turn to in case of an emotional crisis.

Now, before anyone jumps on at me about this not being accurate as far as I'm aware this is exactly how it went and it is one of my most treasure memories so please don't piss on my bonfire. I'm waiting on confirmation from the bride on this account.

During our Honorers year we all had to sit a course called EPA (economic policy and applications) It was a hard class and the lecturer was actually quite new to the Uni and wasn't that good at teaching to be honest. So everyone was really nervous and it showed, when we got into the exam it was customary for the invigilator to actually say "You may turn over your exam papers and begin."

Fifteen minuets of watching 60 students not write she finally says you may begin. That kind of thing at the beginning of an exam can fuck up anyone. The time was added on to the end but some people just thought the worse as stress levels went through the roof.

After the exam me and my mates when back to the honours communal room to study for the next exam in a few days time. Sitting balling her eyes out was the Bride who was inconsolable about it and she could only think of the worst. Me (you remember me right) knowing that a bad start like this could cripple any runner, I took a few seconds of silent thought and came up with a line to handle the whole situation and get my friend back on track.

"Let's get drunk." The room looked at me like I had just stabbed the 800lbs Elephant in the room. Three days before the next big exam and this nutcase wants to get tanked, well I thought of it as therapeutic drinking just to get her mind off the exam (which she didn't fail by the way). Things like this happen all the time you forget about them and move on, but when your met to be concentrating on more exams you can let the fear grip you to much.

I remember her smiling and a little laugh slipped out and after a few minuets she gathered her things and all of us went down to our little home away from home the "October Bar" at 1pm on a Monday afternoon in May. Ordered some chips and other nibbles a round of beers and white wines for the ladies and the beer tasted sweeter because it was a little bit wrong to be out when we should have been studying. An hour later she was fine laughing and joking and we all left in reasonable shape to get some revision done.

It hurt me to see someone so chirpy all the time look so sad and all I can wish her on this day is that from now on she never has a reason to be sad again. If you do hunni just remember you have a great husband a spectacular family and friends that will always be there for you.

Mr Bison (tearful yes!)

Moffat, Home From Home

So to end the show we like to go down to Moffat to do a little show and spend the night. This is the last time we will all be together and it really has been a very emotional time for us all so I know that when we all go back to work on Monday we will really feel the pinch.

The show went great but my role as the Catatonic nut case became really hard to endure as keeping still for 20mins each time was really really tough. I nearly pissed myself laughing at a stupid "In Joke" that means nothing to the audience but everything to the cast.

Without sounding like a little sissy I wanted to spend the last run in the company of my good friend Rex, who I must say has not disappointed me in any way during this project. I've been waiting 8 years to find someone who could crack me up at the Fringe and this guy done it without breaking a sweat. He was pure rock and roll the whole way through and it made me think fondly of all the craziness we used to get up to back when I was 17 at the Fringe.

His crowning glory I sadly was not in attendance as the second hotel as further away than his me, my lawyer and some others went home they decided to stay up and play some tunes on the guitar. Now, for those of you who have been around...Actors + Booze + Musical Instruments + Hotel = BANNED!!!!!!!!!!!

The South African owner of the hotel was not impressed "I've had 5 complaints already about you guys, and one women called me and said she isnt going to fucking pay." Now if this was my hotel and some woman said she wasn't going to pay I would have called the cops on her not hassle Rex and the gang.

I also have the possibly last Gusism ever...after driving down to Moffat from Edinburgh he enters the little theatre and says "Scotland! Whats with all the fucking Heather? I mean it's all over the place." Jeez man the sun was shining the drive was great and Scotland is the greatest country ever...leave the heather alone man.

Mr Bison

Confessions of a potato lover

On my trip to the Fringe this year I came across a great little find in a little book shop just off the Grass market. Without coming across like some demented Harry Potter fan its a bit like that shop he buys his books from...run down nothing special but inside is all the books you have never heard of. Old and tattered but holding such old wisdom that is long forgotten in today's society. Tales of love and anger through all the hardship of before it makes me weep what our great great grandfathers went through to make this country great.

I found a touching little book simply titled..."Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." I didn't haggle I paid the old book vendor the full 80p and left the shop clutching my piece of history.

Now if I may I would like to post a extract from this touching book, and I would like to make it a regular thing whenever i read something that touches me I'll post it for all to enjoy.

An extract from "Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." Addressed to Gretchen MacFarlane signed only Angus.

My Darlin Gretchen

Have you got any tatties hen? I could really use a few spuds down here, ma mince is skiteing aff the plate there's nothing keepin it company. I'd give ma left nut for wan eh your shephurds pies, god I miss my spuds.

Forever Hungry
Angus

Fringe 8

Well it's all over folks done and dusted were packing up and heading home. It was a great week the Critics hated us and the Audiences loved us...that's the stuff real stories are made from. We sold out every night apart form the nights where we over sold (get it round you, bawbags). At the end of the day were there to entertain people and we did that just cause we didn't get a bit of paper from some hack telling us how great we are...who cares we still had a sell out show and people left the venue feeling something...alive most of all.

I enjoyed this fringe more this year as we had so many new people joining us and we could see the way we felt all those years ago in there eyes.

My friend Rex (at 10am this morning while waiting for the cafe we were in to get milk...just cause your a fucking hot blonde and wear a little love heart covered skirt doesnt mean we won't be pissed off on waiting an hour for a cup of tea...was a good hour though great ass on her) was sitting a little glummy looking thinking about going back to his real life when all of a sudden he ducked his head under a little spot light and began reciting his lines...I literally had to shake him loose. It's a common side affect of the Fringe that you have to stay away from spotlights or you will have an uncontrollable urge to break into character and put the show on in your local Tapus Restaurant.

I worry about him the most as I remember my first year going home was a crushing experience, the only thing to do is just keep yourself going and every once and a while little snip its will come back to you and they will put a smile on your face that a grumpy old which can't take away from you.

Mr Bison

Fringe 7

Now the point of theatre (I have always thought) is to make the audience feel something…anything you know what I mean. A comedy should make you laugh till your sides hurt and a weepy should do just that, put a tear to your eye. Make you feel something that you wouldn’t have felt otherwise…as most shows are set quite specific in bizarre circumstances.

Movies can do it but the power for someone to do this live while we watch them knowing that there just pretending is a true accomplishment So I was delighted to hear that people have been leaving the show in floods of tears at how the story ends. I’ve seen real tearjerkers in my time but if you don’t give a shit cause the acting is so bad then of course you wont through a big weepy one. I mean life is painful from start to finish the problems of some fictional characters don’t come anywhere near close to your real life problems, so to those who came to Venue 186 and shed a tear for us THANK YOU!

However, the oddest thing I have ever heard was from the member of the audience who approached the director after the show. “That was fantastic very, very touching. Can I just ask though see tomorrow…can McMurphy escape at the end?”

“I’m sorry?” My lawyer replied not sure what to say

“You know, I think the audience would like it better if him and Billy got away at the end you know leave them with a happy thought. All the throat cutting and smothering is quite distressing you know.” He couldn’t have been more serious about it.

I mean come on it’s a play not a DVD with a crappy alternative ending…even then I doubt Ken Kesey would allow such an injustice to occur. The whole show is gearing up for a violent ending and that’s what happens. The hero doesn’t always get away and no one should expect them to. It wouldn’t be the same show if he got away at the end…it would just be like every other happy ending pish written.

Mr Bison

Fringe 6

Of course like all things as big as the fringe you will of course see some absolute pish. I got suckered into a one woman show that I thought was a play. I will have to start reading more reviews next year try and gauge how good shows are before forking over cash for them.

I took Rex with me and within 5 mins of watching I tapped him on the leg and said “When you want to walk out just let me know.”

He replied genuinely “Nah I wouldn’t be so rude.” I told him to say that in another 5 mins when we start peeling the skin from our bones. They should mark these shows like the mark personal adverts cause this chick was definitely SWF (single white female for those who haven’t seen the film). Turns out it was a one woman show about a nursery nurse who is going through a divorce and is losing control at her work. The odd thing is that the audience were laughing at all these carp jokes making me wonder what the fuck were we missing?

After the show it was a party back at the flats with tunes on from the Bison’s big list and then we broke out the guitars for some acoustic tuneage. We even managed to get a round of the “Edinburgh Fringe Blues” in where we screamed till it hurt about one of the casts moustache, this is always a highlight of the fringe.

Mr Bison

Fringe 5

Today’s show of choice was a nice little one woman number about second hand clothes, with my friend Yoshimi. I don’t see her often but we usually meet at Fringe and she pretty much buys all her clothes from charity shops so I thought this was the best show for her. The funny thing is that the whole show actually made me think about relationships more than selling old clothes.

Aren’t we all right now just swapping partners around until we find the right fit? I know we all get new partners from time to time but come on there not really new are they? Other peoples smudges, handprints, bad habits, scuff marks these things change us make us slightly different each time. The older you get the more baggage you have and the new crisp feeling you once had when you were young just isn’t there anymore. Your not soft and gentle, years of experience will have made you hard and cynical about most things. Now think about how rough you are imagine what the people you date will be like.

I was thinking that I should have had more fun when I was younger as that is probably the last time I will ever get a proper of the shelf new girlfriend. I worry that the long I go without finding my true love the harder I’ll become and of course how hard she will be by this time.

Of course you can always get a brand new never been used one…but there quite hard to come by the older you get. Unless of course you’re exceptionally rich this does attract the younger models to the area of you but I mean you would have to be really rich.

I said this to Yoshimi and in her ever diplomatic way agreed with me but then put a more positive slant on it . She told me, "Worn has a history. It makes it more interesting. Anything without a history is sterile. Be it clothes, and item or a person, we're where we are because of where we've been. It shapes our thoughts, our opinions and our futures. I think something a bit worn enriches who or what it touches." Just imagine shes saying it with a Japanese accent to get the full effect.

I like that thought, I'll be taking that one with me.

Mr Bison

Fringe 4

In all my 8 years of the Fringe I have never had the will power to make it to a show that starts at 10am…apart from the shows that I’m crewing and therefore have to be there. Today I finally made it to “Shakespeare for Breakfast” the show that boasts a great comedy show and coffee and croissants included in the ticket price. Not only did I laugh my ass off but I had the pleasure of seeing the hottest red head on stage I have ever seen. It was painful to watch a show with the cast so dam good looking. I’m even now considering stalking her, she’s in a kids show and I’m trying to get my Godson on loan for the morning. If I sit in the front row and I might get some audience interaction from her…then I could follow her around for the day after the show see where she goes, who she hangs around with then a little trip to court to finish the day off. As a wise man once said “it aint stalking, it’s just selective walking.”

The most interesting bit was after the show ended and we were waiting in the lobby when my lawyer starts to hand out flyers for our show.

Front of House Staff: “Sorry sir are you performing at this venue?”

Lawyer: “No!”

Front of House Staff: “Then I am going to have to ask you to leave. Now.”

All my crazy stuff I have pulled at least I’ve never been chucked out of a venue. There are a lot of rules when it comes to the fringe and for some reason the one person who is meant to be making sure we don’t break them is the one person who just does what he feels like.

Tonight was the best night I have ever spent on stage in my entire life; I’ve spent so long backstage I have forgotten what it was like to be part of a live show that just ran so well. I’m proud to be among such great actors each extremely dedicated to this project and amazed at how well this show has be received by the audiences each night.

Mr Bison

Fringe 3

Now on day 3 of staying up till 5am having fun and laughing my ass off. Really starting to make me tired during the day. My breakfast consist of toast and cereal (better than left over Kebab I guess). So far I have only seen one show but I’m hoping to catch one today and two or three tomorrow.

My highlight so far has come from my friend Rex (self confessed Fringe Virgin) as he was out in costume flyering our show he stopped to enjoy one of the street performers. As the silent actor stepped away from his cap to scare a small child, a local junkie crept out of the shadows and in true thieving style walked calmly towards the mark and then sprinted off down the high street.
Rex of course watching the full thing unfold and was slightly confused as to how this was designed to be entertaining. He soon realised after the performer came back to his original position that he had in fact been robbed. Approaching him Rex tried to ease the blow, “Sorry mate but emmmmmm I think you’ve been robbed.” All respect to the guy he didn’t break character he just stared at Rex and then walked off.

All I can think about is the poor sod busting his ass as a statue for 8 hours then his hard earned pittance being used as some junkies nightly smack hit.

But come on does it really matter? It’s not like it’s his full time job…unless it is then I’m sorry for being so insensitive.

Mr Bison

Fringe 2

We are staying quite close to an area know as the pubic triangle as it has 3 strip bars in certain locations that may or may not be shaped like a flange. I am happy to say that in all my years i have never sent foot in them as they scare the fuck out of me. One is named after William Burke and William Hare the famous Murdering Duo that would chibb ya then sell your body to the Edinburgh Medical Collage. I mean can you imagine what those sick bastard students did with those poor souls after they were brutally murdered.

S0 why oh why would you go to a lap dancing bar named after those 2...in all fairness though you walk in pay whatever and leave with a fresh stiff...they should have named it The Dr Knox Lap dancing Bar.

Any way on Friday i see a sign outside one of the bars that stares "Lap dances £5." Wow that's a good price for a pair of tits in your face I thought, but we were all busy and had work to do so I let what is be for the time being.

As I was walking down to the grass market on Sunday afternoon (the real start of the fringe) I look over and see that the sign has now changed to £10!!!!!! A 100% jump in price over the course of a day what a shock to the system i mean come on folks were in the middle of a credit crunch here.

I mean come on Sunday afternoon not like it’s the only day of the week guys can actually go and enjoy a pair of strangers tits being rubbed in there face…you can’t even buy booze in Asda until Noon but you can get a dry hump to pass the time if you want.

Mr Bison

Fringe 1

Well here it is folks the highlight of my year THE FRINGE!!!! This is now my 8th year coming through and I love it to bits. It’s an opportunity to be ripped off on a whole new level by people who have had years of practice, as prices for the things we take for granted go through the roof.

I have my laptop and while looking for an silly bugger who doesn’t have an unsecured I find that technology is the perfect opportunity for the nerds of the world to put in all there little sad in jokes. As I scan through the endless list of connections one is very proudly marked “Malfoy” as in Harry Potter’s enemy at school. I mean that’s just odd, why would you want to be that character? That shows this person has a real low self image, pick a main character at least. If I met I guy who thought he was Jesus I would have a lot of respect for them as you can’t get better than that, he’s top dog in the “people you really want to be,” list.

But who the fuck wants to be the evil bungling kid from Harry Potter that’s not bad ass at all, beef yourself up a bit. Get a good nickname like one that hints you have a big cock, you won’t be able to keep it indefinitely though, eventually women will get wise but by that time you will have picked up enough sex tips to get a good reputation based on your own accomplishments.

I wonder if people with low self esteem masturbate. Isn’t that a kind of contradiction in terms if they do? Learning to love yourself is the first way to get others to follow suit I always say.

Anyway thanks Malfoy

Mr Bison