From The Desk of David Bison

Nightcap

2010-09-02T18:56:00.000+01:00

Another funny line from a funny woman.

"How are you liking your new job?" I ask.

"Oh it's great I thought I knew how to drink, but working behind a bar you learn so many new ways to get wreaked on a nightly basis."

Classic!

Mr Bison

Crazy Enough

2010-08-10T11:59:00.000+01:00

I’m just back after watching an amazing show at the Underbelly. I had no idea what it was going to be like the title and the blurb were quite plain, “Storm Large – Crazy Enough” was the name of the show and the blurb was just the usual “5 stars, outstanding, energising show will rock your way of life”.

As most times the shows I do don’t finish till 22:30 I find it hard every year to see some of the late shows, which is a shame cause I am really quite filthy minded and enjoy like minded individuals, so the show is marked as quite inappropriate for everyone, regardless of age.

The venue is small (under 100 seats) and it is right under the bridge so you get the authentic cavern feel right away. The stage small and is only set up for a music gig but I still have no idea what the show is going to be like. So this huge amazonian woman comes out on stage and when the band are ready she opens her mouth and sings like a tormented angel, the song is harsh and sick but the way she carries herself is undeniably beautiful.

She then starts to explain about her life and the fact she was told from a young age that she would grow up to be just like her Mother, in an un-pc word “Crazy”. I start to tear up at this point as all I could think of is how tough that must be for a child to hear. We all want to grow up and be our own person it’s kind of the incentive of living, but it is hard enough to handle someone telling you chances are your going to go bald because of your genes, a million times worse to be told you will most likely see the inside of a padded cell and there nothing you can do about it.

She said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing day in & day out…and expects a different outcome. I finally realised that I’m a mad man just the same, I work day in, day out expecting my job to be just a bit different but in the end…the people are the same, the wages are the same and people don’t care how smart I am. Changing the way I work, the people around me etc doesn’t do anything need to change myself.

She then talks about her time as an addict, and she explains why she did it, “Heroine makes you feel small and invisible, safe, liked your tucked away in a pocket”. However, when you are performing you have to be big and visible and pretty much “Louder than God”. I’ve never been or ever known any drug users in my very sheltered life but I can understand completely on the positive aspects of feeling like your invisible and safe on a daily basis. I often think to myself you can’t lose if you don’t play, which is why I will never find the confidence to just talk to woman I like, tell her how I feel, as far as I’m concerned I’ve played and lost these games 50 times to many. In that instant I all I wanted to do was ask every girl in the room out, fuck it if husbands and boyfriends get pissed off about some fat guy trying to chat there woman up I just wanna get back in the game that second (a feeling I don’t have often).

However, their I was sitting in the dark wearing all black as I had just finished crewing for the evening but 15 minutes in she turns round in my direction and stares right at me with this amazingly sexy, troubled look as sweat literally pours off her, she keeps pawing at her skin tight, stretchy, little black dress, its a lot like sliding on a black condom. Relentlessly flashing her bra and pants to the whole audience while she screams in perfect pitch about the most horrifying parts of her life, I can’t help feeling like I’m in love. My legs are killing me from all the walking, my back aches from humping set everyday but right now as of this minute, I’m totally free (a feeling well worth £12).

At this point I finally realise that after 11 years I’ve finally cracked how to have a good time at the Fringe. Just do what feels right, don’t listen to the critics cause they aint listening to you. I went home feeling great like I could punch right through a brick wall; I floated home trying my best keep some of the songs in my head, anything to keep the feeling fresh.

People ask why I would go to the Fringe year in year out rather than go to Ibiza, Turkey etc where young people are “meant” to go cut loose and be free. I just smile quietly and remember that only in Scotland can you walk in to a dark, gloomy, dungeon and walk out feeling clean again.

Mr Bison (loves tall crazy chicks)

P.S The blurb was right the show did rock my world

Fringe Rules

2010-08-07T11:35:00.000+01:00

These are the Fringe rules that I have been working on over the last 11 years, in the hope that many young ambitious youngsters will heed my advice and enjoy the Festival right away.

Rule one of the Fringe…don’t annoy the talent. When you see people walking around the street they would really like to be left alone, they obviously don’t want fans to approach them, as it would be never ending. In saying this, the man who told me this bit of advice has been stalking Richard Hearing for 11 years and on several “chance” encounters has said some really creepy things to him. So…morale of the story is

Rule two of the Fringe…beware of single white females. I’m a long standing believer that the Fringe programme should be clearly marked like the lonely hearts ads. One woman shows should be clearly labelled as the sad, lonely, attention grabbing hour long mind fucks they are. Its not like female comedians (who I love to bits) it’s just more self obsessed tripe from people who are slowing losing a grip on who they are.

Rule three of the Fringe…beware of bare feet. Bare feet from the cast members just screams pretentious tit wankery and it always spells disaster. If you are in a small venue with a bunch of tourists who don’t look like they are 100% on what’s going on and the cast come out in bare feet, I advise you just get up and leave. You already lost 10 bucks on the ticket price don’t lose an hour of your life watching the fevered dream of 4 awkward teens and a drama teacher with delusions of granger.

Rule four of the Fringe…don’t fuck with the tourists. These guys are your customers, they fill your seats and they hand over a lot of there hard earned (in some cases) money. They also will annoy the living fuck out of you if you let them, but you got to let it go. No matter what stupid pish they start spouting just smile, nod and if worse comes to worse get down on those knees.

Rule five of the Fringe…don’t burn the locals. People in Edinburgh have to put with the most ignorant people for the month of August and they do it with a smile. The locals are on strict instruction to be as helpful as possible to all you Nancy boys and Prima Donnas. Out of courtesy its best to antagonise them more than they already are (see rule four about annoying tourists).

Mr Bison

Top, Middle or Bottoms?

2010-08-06T13:12:00.001+01:00

Driving the van in before the week starts we have a bit of time to kill. We decide to park up and grab some papers till its time to move. In this little newsagent we head to the back where the papers are kept and the place is pretty well stocked.

The shop in question has not so much a top shelf section…as it really is more a top, middle or bottom shelf section. There must have been 150 titles to choose from and I also noticed that behind the top shelf there was the “real top shelf” behind the actual top shelf. Looking at the juicy titles on show I could only imagine what was behind

“Don’t suppose this guy has a copy of The Economist” I say.

“It’s right there” my lawyer points out.

Sure enough underneath “Big Swinging Tits”, in between “Swingers Monthly” and “Classy Ass” is my copy of the Economist.

I take it to the counter and the guy picks it up shocked like and proceeds to hum and haw over it. As he scans it looking for the price I soon realise that he probably hasn’t sold this particular publication ever.

I eventually tell him its £4 and he agrees quickly and takes my money.

I sit down and begin to read my periodically of choice with a very interesting article about how the UK will profit under Margret Thatcher…I guess it was sitting there a while.

Mr Bison

Ned Baiting

2010-05-30T13:42:00.001+01:00

Over the last few months I've been a totally different person, happy, content and loving life. In 28 years Ive never eaten mushrooms or salad or fruit etc. Now I'm eating my 5 a day & being nice to people etc, just seem to be alot more confident about life these days.

While leaving my local supermarket dressed to my best & off to a party I was walking past some youths, now there was only 3 of them so I wasn't to worried about

"Haw big man! Where you goin?"

Now on the scale of things its not that bad of a thing to be asked, but I didn't like the tone of it. Plus also I think a part of me is so happy because I'm confident to be myself (or I've grown tired of living).

"I'm away up the road to ride yer maw," I said coldly.

Slightly shocked he came back with "aye well I'm going to yours to shag yer da."

"Better check with your boyfriend first he looks the jealous type." I was pretty much pot commited at this point; I might was well get beaten up by everyone, I would probably die quicker.

Life is to short to waste letting NED's insult you with pish patter, I feel it was my duty to educate them in using their brains for something other than keeping their out of date Reebok hats in place.

I'm laughing about this now but lets face it next time I'm down at the supermarket I'll get jumped by 20 ten year olds and get stabbed to death. Don't feel sad when you hear the news, I am happy with the choices I've made, think of me fondly.

Mr Bison

7 Deadly Sins - Pride

2010-05-22T16:14:00.000+01:00

Now of course I am not someone to make fun of peoples religion please don't think this blog is about that, I think having faith is great but its not me. I am always respectful when people start talking about what they believe in...but then again its 11am on a hot Saturday morning.

I was out shopping this morning & one of those really tatty pound shops in the mall was closing down so everything was half price. Now I'm not one for tacky signs stuck on the back of car windows but when they are that cheap I though why not.

So I can't decide on "Honk if your horny," or "Size matters," while I'm looking at them this guy comes up to me. Now me & personal space are always a big thing, so when some guy I don't know comes right up close to my shoulder I of course get very tense.

"You know that pride is one of the deadly sins," the now very scary man is telling me.

I of course try my anxiety reduction techniques to try and calm down and not freak out on, either a mad man or man of God. Either way it would be a messy result.

"Boosting is just the start, thinking that your better than others just because of your manhood is bigger,when you die and stand before Jesus do you think he will care how big it is?"

I took a few seconds and contemplated just brushing it off and walking away or perhaps just trying to explain that its just a humorous reference to the size of car. In the end in opted for..."Well yeah probably. Good looking guy, walks everywhere so he would have a good bod, works with wood in a creative industry, hangs about with a lot of guys, talks about peace and love a lot, likes a glass of wine now and again, throws a good dinner party I mean he even had his own fag hag. I think he would probably want a quick peek. He's more than welcome to have a look, I don't swing that way but hey he's Jesus you know I guess we owe him that much right?"

He soon left my personal space, the shop, the mall, the car park, postal code and perhaps the country.

Mr Bison

Adverts

2010-05-18T11:00:00.000+01:00

I am very troubled by this advert I saw today. It's the one where the mum comes into the room and tells her son that his room stinks and it isn't suitable when he has friends coming over, so he has to wash the room...you know the one. So he gets the magic product and gives the room a spray much to the delight of the 2 dirty slappers that appear at the end of the advert.

I get it like most adverts, use there product or don't get laid but, I mean, what kind of mum actively encourages her son to bring home 2 women at a time for some kinky teenage 3 way action.

"Wow this place smells great, I was just going to copy his chemistry notes but we might as well double tea bag him while we are here".

What a maw!

Mr Bison

Neighbours

2010-05-16T19:45:00.001+01:00

Me and Little Annie were out on a fun day trip as we do from time to time. She usually has clothes to return so we do the shops as it were. I don't mind means I can get a subway and buy DVDs that I will only watch once and then have to keep forever (as i don't drink, smoke, Gamble or do drugs i of course have other addictions involving DVD's).

So we do the rounds Top Shop, Boots, HMV etc. I watch the man make Crepes for about 20mins (wasn't going to buy one but it reminds of of a story from Dubai which I need to tell one day).

We pop by mine for a cup of tea and I begin telling my dearest friend about my last love (loves a strong word but I refuse to say the word conquest when referring to women).

Now me and my neighbour don't speak too much but that's just the kind of folk we are. I started once when i was leaving the flat he opened his door in nothing but his boxers and just said, "Morning".

We were mid conversation in which i stated, "...was just a bit a fun it's not like she needs my cock to be happy".

As I open the door to see my neighbour locking up his bike, "Aye she needs the cock alright!" Came bellowing from behind me as I stepped aside Little Annie stood stunned at meeting my neighbour for the first time.

Poor lass , but i guess we are even for the boxer shorts instance.

Mr Bison

Roll With It

2010-05-15T19:45:00.000+01:00

Discussing Iron Man 2 with my friend Little Annie, I was saying that the 2 women in the film are very good. In the case of both charachters there hair colour needed to change. "I don't see Gwyneth dying her hair it's most likely a wig", I said.

"Aye Gwyneth Paltrow wigs it and Scarlett Johansson dyes it, cause that's how she rolls", Little Annie remarked.

I was slightly embarrassed to ask what that means as it would expose my uncoolness, but whatever it meant it sounded hot.

Mr Bison

Post Off!

2010-05-06T21:01:00.001+01:00

"Hi I'd like to send this package please."

"Thank you sir. Would you like it to arrive by tomorrow?"

"Emmmmm yeah you know what I would like that."

"Ok I can guarantee that it will arrive by 5pm tomorrow that will be £5.35."

"Aye that will be fucking right, its going to G83 that's Glasgow no Goa."

"Alright sir that will be 67 pence first class delivery."

"Dam straight it will be. I'll have a receipt as well."

"For 67 pence?"

"Aye. 67 pence."

"Ok sir."

I hate the post office, but then again the post office must hates me.

Mr Bison

Fringe Tale

2010-05-05T23:16:00.001+01:00

This one is from the first ever Fringe trip over 10 years ago now.

I was walking back to the venue at 3pm on a Sunny August day (walking down the hill away from the Pleseance courtyard). When this guy started to shout at me from the top of the hill. Since I didn't recognise him & he looked shady as hell i decided to ignore him.

I mean its 3pm on a Sunny day in Edinburgh whats the worse that can happen to me? So he then proceeds to run after me still shouting at me to stop.

At this point I get a bit freaked out (I mean a total stranger is now coming towards me & he wasn't to happy) so I begin to pick up the pace & try & put some distance between us.

So I'm now being chased by some guy down an Edinburgh street while hes screaming at me to stop. Not a single person even looks round or trys to help in any away it was like the scene in Ghost where the angry guy is shouting at the wimpy ghost on the train. People thought it was some kind of interactive street performance.

So by this point i think well what the fuck can I do other than confront the guy. He sounds English so if i hit him with a harsh Scottish accent and scream in his face till his ears bleed i might be able to discombobulate him enough to make good my escape.

I wait till he's right next to me then I turn round with clenched fists and scream "WHIT IS IT!"

He takes a second to recompose himself then simply says, "you want to buy some grass?"

"Grass?" I said in an attempt to understand the situation.

"Yeah I'm selling grass you want some?" Like it was a fucking copy of the Big Issue!

"Em no."

"Fair enough." He then turns to a guy that just walked past and proceeds to shout at him.

I only wish I could go back in time & get that man into a sales course or something. It was like a drug dealer youth training scheme guy. Selling drugs in Edinburgh I doubt he needed such a hard sell approach.

Mr Bison

Cougars

2010-04-17T19:16:00.000+01:00

I was out at the weekend for Birthday drinks down the West End of Glasgow. One of the guys there was saying that his main thing for the weekend was to hook up with a cougar. Which is good I like people setting goals in there everyday life its how you reach for more the next day.

For those unaware, a “cougar” is an older woman who tries to appear younger than her age, in an effort to both snag a hot young man and, additionally, remain culturally relevant. Basically there like the Jason Bourne's of the MILF world, they like it hard fast and on there own terms.

At that point a woman in her 50's with an old style cardigan enters the bar and as a joke I point out and say, "there you go mate ones just walked in".

He turns round to look and then back to give me such a disappointing stare. "No mate Cougars are in there 40's really good looking and up for young guys, shes more like a leopard".

Fuck sake man there is such a thing of taking your life to seriously. Now at this point my over honest sensor kicked in and I was really tempted to point out that a guy over the 30 mark isn't really cougar bait is he. They don't want a well put together successful gentleman on the fast track to a country club membership & a toupee. They want a fucked up wretch of an adolescent who drinks excessively, no job, steals his neighbours Wi Fi and buys his I tunes on installments.

But of course I'm a different man now, got to let people be people you know.

Mr Bison

Dirty Logic Test

2010-03-20T08:22:00.000Z

I’m a huge fan of logic puzzles, like Sudoku or the ones where you get some information and you have to work out who lives in what house and who keeps snakes etc. Now I’m thinking of writing one of my own but with a Mr Bison twist.

I got the idea last week after this woman I know told me an interesting fact. I was explaining how in first year at Uni I was a member of the tattoo and body piercing society. The odd thing would be is that I don’t have any body modifications, but they were an accepting bunch.

While telling this story the woman responded by saying that she had a total of 5 piercings. Now using my Sherlock Holmes, CSI and Colombo skills I of course noticed that she only had one piercing in each ear…

Mr Bison

Grimm Tales

2010-03-14T16:50:00.015Z

Once upon a time there was a big bad wolf, who wasn’t really a bad wolf. He just spent so long being perceived as big and bad that he couldn’t be anything else. But over the years he got used to the image so he began to act tough to keep his friends and associates happy. He kept a very big emotional distance between him and his wife, and never lavished the love and attention she deserved on her.

He didn't treat her bad or beat her, but he was much closed off when it came to there relationship. Over time she became board and wasn’t satisfied with the wolf she married, and she begins to look else ware for attention.

So one day the big bad wolf is down his local when all he sees are the wide grins of the people who once feared him. Unsure what the sniggering was about he proceeded to beat one of the patrons with a pool cue until someone came clean.

Turns out the 3 pig brothers (local home developers) had videotaped themselves spit roasting the wolfs wife in a sauna and the vid was now all round town.

The big bad wolf proceeded to drive straight over to the first brothers house to straighten him out. As luck would have it when he arrived at the straw house all the pigs were in attendance.

So the big bad wolf said "Come out, come out or I’ll blow your house down".

"Kiss ma hairy baws ya prick, your no eatin us" said the pigs. "If you could blow doon this house then maybe your misses wouldnae need a good porkin from us".

The big bad wolf knew this was true, he was to old to be blowing down things and the miscreant pigs did have a point perhaps his breath would be better spent telling his wife that he loved her and that she made him the happiest wolf in all the land.

But the pigs weren’t that smart, as the big bad wolf proceed to douse the straw house with petrol and then set it alight with the randy little pigs inside.

Morale of the story, don't be so distant to the ones you love as it may drive you to do unspeakable things...and don't video yourself shagging a wolfs wife.

Mr Bison

Night at the movies

2010-01-23T19:32:00.000Z

You ever seen that Liam Nesson film “Taken”? It’s about this guy who was a real bad ass CIA operative whose daughter goes to France because she knows better than him about everything. She of course gets kidnapped by a ruthless gang of people traffickers who intend to sell her to some guy who is kind of evil I guess since he buys women. Although he’s retired and not 100% in the game he manages to track her all over Europe killing numerous people in the process before bringing her home safe & unmolested where she then realises how great her father is even though he is a law unto himself & has violent tendencies when he doesn’t get his way.

It’s actually a remake of an old film with Dustin Hoffman & Robin Williams called “Hook”. Dustin Hoffman kidnap’s Robin Williams’s kids and takes them off to a distant land. In an attempt to get them back he must use what he learned in his old life to kill him in a bizarre twist of fate scenario before Hoffman molests his kids. After the fact the kids then forgive there murdering dad for his past & realise how lucky they are to have such a great father who would go to such murderous and cruel lengths to protect them.

Mr Bison

Warm Up, Warm Up!!!

2010-01-09T17:51:00.001Z

Ok its cold I get it. I don't need the news to be a non stop reminder that if I leave my house I could die on the roads...or if I stay in my house I could freeze to death in my sleep. You know your Scottish when your talking to your friends down South who keep saying how cold it is but its not as cold as you up there...I didn't know what they were talking about until my car told me it was 20 degrees below zero when I left for work.

I just don't notice it, cold is cold I don't feel more or less cold based on the temperature, but living alone during this bad winter has made me notice something about my human behaviour and of course that’s what Economics is all about. According to Alfred Kinsey the average man’s sex drive will decrease in colder temperatures and even when you’re single that is true. It’s like that statistic, “men think about sex every 6 seconds”. But in the cold temperatures it takes longer to get back to thinking that fast.

Now as an Economist I’ve always had a little niggle about a product on the market, but it’s now (in my view) a very, very smart, this now leads us to my next lesson; what’s a Core Product & what’s an Augmented Product?

Core Products are your main kind starting products or the fundamental features of the product meet the users needs.

An Augmented Product is something that provides additional value to your purchase.

That’s when I realised that this product that I found so odd is actually a perfect example of a core & augmented product, developed & produced by the same company…condoms!

Your core product is…the condom, of course the fundamental features being to stop the spread of STD’s and pregnancy in women. You would think that would be enough for some people but no…ribbed for her pleasure!!!!!

Adding value by augmenting the core product to make it more pleasurable to women. Opening up the sale of condoms to basically…selfish men who want an easy fix for there lacklustre performances in the bedroom.

Then after that these condom companies took a product that you can’t really advertise heavily as it is a product with a big embarrassment factor (even in this day & age) and just made it more embarrassing…now with aesthetic to help you with premature ejaculation!!!! How on earth would you have the baws to buy that? They sell feather light ones so you can feel more why would you want one that makes you numb?

Users fundamentally need not to catch itchy cock diseases or get some lassie up the duff but now you can buy a rubber for every occasion. Now this used to make me wonder but after feeling the cold coming through the windows in the morning I’m contemplating wearing 3 socks to bed.

For the life of me I couldn’t imagine who on Earth would buy a condom that warms your cock? Is that not on par with putting ralgex on it? But in this sub zero temperatures you are literately taking your life in your hands…putting it in your hands or anyone’s hands.

I mean lets face it even single guys would buy them just to save them having to put the heating on…or risk rubbing the skin clean off it.

Here end'th the lesson
Mr Bison

Law of Diminishing Returns

2009-11-22T03:30:00.000Z

Now I do feel like I have teaching blood in my veins so every so often I will be dishing out a little bit of knowledge to anyone who cares for it. This will often come in the form of little gems from my years as an Economics student.

Today's lesson is on the Law of Diminishing Returns. The standard definition of the law from any Econ 101 Text is...

“When increasing amounts of one factor of production are employed in production along with a fixed amount of some other production factor, after some point, the resulting increases in output of product become smaller and smaller.”

As an Economic student I always liked making it fun, so I often come up with real life examples that I could relate to. The easy way to remember the Law Of Diminishing returns when you are really drunk is this. Imagine a dance floor, which is of a fixed size say fifteen feet by fifteen feet. The dance floor is made of stone and no drinks are allowed onto it, dancing out with the specified dance area is strictly prohibited. Now dance floors have one variable factor that can be increased and decreased and that is dancers. In this case we will assume that the entire dance floor is for women only.

One woman on the dance floor shaking her ass is enjoyable to watch. Lets say her short skirt and pink boob tube under the flashing lights of the rig above give you and utility (or enjoyment factor) of three. Three what is entirely up to you, just don’t get carried away it’s just a dance.

Now two women ass shaking is more enjoyable as they do like to bump and grind with each other in very seductive ways. Watching this kind of dancing you can let your mind wander a bit further…perhaps there really good friends. Perhaps they’re having a sleep over tonight, perhaps after a glass of wine in there top floor flat over looking the Clyde they decided its time to explore those feelings they have had for so long. All this in mind we would receive on average an enjoyment value of nine. Greater in value than simply adding another single woman to the floor dancing by herself.

Now add eight more, tits and ass shaking all over the place, this sight would make most porn stars turn white. Perhaps they even do a little choreographed set, pairing up and performing a supposedly spontaneous jive number. This is when the enjoyment level begins to peak everyone watching is now as happy as they are going to get.

However, after this point every extra woman on that dance floor doesn’t increase your enjoyment level the same as the last. Movement gets restricted, perhaps the girls are quite bitchy and don’t want to gyrate as much with there rivals so close to them. By the time you reach fifteen women we can already see a drop in enjoyment as we stand back corona in hand watching the carnage unfold in front of us, swinging elbows and dirty looks all over the place. Add enough women and eventfully your enjoyment level will go into negative as the floor full of hot girls just isn’t shaking it no more it’s more a pen of young ladies slightly hoping up and down.

As we can see from the graph the dance floor cannot sustain an increase in enjoyment when we increase the variable factor in this example.

Here end’th the lesson

Mr Bison

Keep It Up

2009-11-07T21:02:00.000Z

You know the place. It's in every shopping mall you ever go to that little Herbalist Store offering authentic, all natural weight loss pills, acupuncture massage, migraine pills. All natural: All pish! I'm walking past my local one when I see a sign getting put up..."Super Herbal Viagra".

I mean come on...how hard does your dick have to be? Is it even safe to get your dick harder than it enjoys being? I can't imagine people who suffer from impotence to be that enthralled with the prospect that not only will this stuff get it up for you...it will do it better than most other drugs even to the detriment to your cocks own well being.

The word SUPER had been written diagonally, quite tight to the edge. This suggests that he was selling some Herbal Viagra quite happily when all of a sudden some new age hippy dealer strolls in and laughs in his face.

"HA!! you still selling that shit? No wonder your going out of business. You need the new stuff just found in the rain Forest...SUPER herbal Viagra. You should see the animals out there man after they get a few bites of this, running around with huge hard on's".

So the guy thinks "yeah great bin this normal herbal Viagra, what a rip off I can't believe I was so stupid to buy this crap last week when you came in and sold it to me...give me the super stuff!!!"

Mr Bison

Harsh times at Glasgow High

2009-11-04T20:13:00.006Z

Well that's it, I'm 27 & theres not much I can do about it. I'm struggling to come to terms with how fucked up I still feel sometimes. Day to day nothing changes things get more expensive and things get less expensive. New shows are on TV and old shows get repeated. I thought by this point I would be...lets say a different person. I do feel different in a lot of ways although I'm still what you would call young but lets face it 27 that's old. If you haven't got something in your life at this point worth having chances are you ain't going to get it at all.

27 years and my handwriting is still terrible, but my pancakes taste better than ever.

27 years and I still can't make pasta, but I know everything about the Simpson's.

27 years and I'm still the shyest person I know, but I'm also the most honest.

27 years I couldn't pass a maths test without a calculator, but I can quote Adam Smith no problem.

27 years and I'm still hanging on.

Anyway, here's to a new year.

Mr Bison

Baking Tips

2009-11-02T01:32:00.000Z

I thought it might be fun for my next Economics lesson for people to pick there favorite Economic tit bit and i will do my best to put into a funny example. So don't be shy write in and I will get cracking.

Other than that not much is happening, I'm finding it tough to write something everyday. So I'm going to make pancakes tonight, now I happen to be the Worlds best pancake maker and I have decided to share the secret with you all.

Step one. Pour self raising flour in a bowel

Step two. Pour sugar in the same bowel

Step three. Add as many eggs as you want

Step four. Chuck some milk in and mix to the thickness you wish

That's it really I just guess and it just works. But think on this little fact that I truly believe in. When you cook something with love and affection you can taste it. People eating food prepared by you notice the difference to something that has been cooked for all the wrong reasons. Once you eat it, it can totally change you mood hopefully for the better. When I cook I do it cause I want to and I enjoy it. Even the most humbling of dishes can be saved by this fact.

Mr Bison

They Live

2009-10-05T18:35:00.000+01:00

Life is a bit odd sometimes, you think you run the gamete on your thoughts and paranoia but as I have found out the World is such a big place there are a lot of people who are just as messed up as you.

Case in point my new friend, Kit (funny I know I grump like me still making friends at my age), suffers from the same problem I do...she knows! She knows that the sofas with legs are a danger to everyone we know & love. She knows they move fast and can kill you quicker than an Emu. She knows the psychic powers they have to communicate can track a human across the globe...in short there is no escape

For those of you that have forgotten the cows are still out there, they still keep there heads down and they use the psychic powers to keep people from finding out the truth but I've found someone else who can see past there act.

Mr Bison

I'm Back

2009-09-04T17:21:00.003+01:00

So Robbie Williams has a new album coming out and is declaring himself "BACK". I surely think that yes

I'm listening to some random Scottish DJ interview him (as it's on in the office...i could have switched to another channel and...listen to some English DJ interview him. I stuck with the Devil I know).

Interviewers always ask the same stupid boring questions it's like listening to a 17 year old boy trying to chat up a 30 year old woman. Dancing around the issue acting all shy and backward when he should just ask her for a blow job. Whats she going to say...NO? No skin off your nose boy its not like your losing a blow job by asking an honest question and if she says yes then your one BJ up on the deal. A woman knows withing the first 5 minuets whether or not she is going to put her gear anywhere near yours just suck it up and take the hit...anyway bit off topic there.

No one ever ask honest questions anymore, "Your such a bawbag, how do you write such good music?" or "come on mate really! Girlfriend? Who you kidding?"

He then reads out questions from Scottish listeners. What I want to know is why can't people just be more fucking honest in life, "Joan from Coatbridge wants to know what your biggest challenge is?"

Naw, what Joan really wants to know is "If you were going to eat me out how long would you spend down there?"

Jessica from Ayr wonders "How long would I have to Rim you before you returned the favour?"

Beth from Oban asks "Do I have to swallow to get a record deal these days?"

Now that's an interview. I say bring back blind date! 3 questions to get to know a person...not as brutally honest as i would like but a good start.

Mr Bison

Old TV Shows and Why I'm Single

2009-08-25T16:06:00.000+01:00

Do you know how much damage that show "Sex and The City" has done to the women of the world? Giving them a head full of snappy come backs and unrealistic dreams of great sex on a nightly basis it's impossible for men to keep up these unrealistic stereotypes. That show is the reason I'm single, I'm sure of it. No one wants the awkward funny guy who looks great in a kilt and calls you "Hen" every third word.

One night I was round at my Lawyer's place me him and his wife were watching TV and drinking tea as that's what grown up's do apparently. Flicking through channels his wife says "Oh good I like Sex and the City." It was kind of like watching an explicit program with your parents...if your parents would make rude and suggestive comments to you during it.

This particular episode depicts the character of Miranda (who is senior partner in a law firm) faced with a dilemma of having morning sex with her boyfriend and being late for work. In the show she succumbs and stays in bed, now I don’t know about you but I would be less than impressed if my lawyer turned up an hour late for my court hearing cause he was getting his hole. Lucky for me I was with my lawyer when I saw this episode to which I still smile upon hearing the phrase, "Hah! That’s all well and good but it doesn’t get morning post open".

I sleep a little easier knowing that fact.

Mr Bison

Wood Work

2009-07-27T18:10:00.002+01:00

Well it's on it's way speeding towards me only seems like yesterday I was blogging from Edinburgh with our show and now I'm busting my ass building sets and taking notes.

The thing people don't get is crew banter is the best kind of banter. Bunch of guys building stuff making fun of each other swearing I mean it's what being a man is all about. Of course in today's equal opportunities world, I embrace the influx of women techies wholeheartedly. As long as they can keep the banter low brow then there OK in my book.

So we're building the sets cutting wood hammering stuff and making jokes about screwing sideways when I try a quick fire game. Name of the game song titles that don't appear in the lyrics.

You've got the basics, Bohemian Rhapsody, Unchained Melody, hundred mile high city. Play along yourself there are some good ones when you get going.

Chuck is actually an extremely bright and knowledgeable bloke and rivals my team in the pub quiz stakes i thought he would clear this right up, "Paradise by the dashboard light by Meatloaf".

"Emmmmm i think that appears a few times mate".

After some heavy thinking he comes back with "Drops of Jupiter by train".

"Nope sorry man its in the first line", breaking my heart telling him hes wrong he literally was the worse person in the World to play this game with.

Not wanting to give up the wheels start turning hard and fast before smiling a huge smile and saying...."Wannabe by the Spice Girls".

I nearly passed out laughing so hard...men can be cruel.

Mr Bison

OAP

2009-07-22T16:49:00.000+01:00

Just as I was walking back to my penthouse I was stop ed by an elderly male who looked in distress. He was very infirmed and was aided in his mobility by a shopping holder/zimmer frame on wheels.

"Scuse me mate my legs urnie that hot could you nip to the shops for me?"

Being the kind sole that I am i of course said yes thinking that perhaps he needed something extremely urgent and indeed personal. I'd rather he didn't have to degrade himself anymore by asking another stranger to assist him.

"Thank you, god bless you...two 3 litre bottles of frosted jack cider and a half pun of amberleaf."

"Aye all right pal, nae bother you sit there I'll be right back." So back down the street I go to a very confused shop owner who has just sold me a bag of crisps and a packet of Minolta's now back in to buy cheap cider and roll up baccaie.

I wonder that he would have done if I had never come back? But then again he probably though £15 isn't worth burning in hell over.

Drink it in good health my friend
Mr Bison

Cash in the fridge

2009-07-09T17:12:00.002+01:00

I was looking at an old you tube video about the most expensive thing ever brought on the Antiques Roadshow. It was in America & this good ol' boy had this old tatty rug he brought in for value.

Presenter "Where did you get this"

Jeff "oh I got it off my dad it was just sitting over the back of his chair for years never got around to throwing it away after he died"

Presenter "Well this is an handwoven blanket brought over by the pilgrams from England in the 1600's, I've only seen one of these before and it was in a museum...this is worth 10 million dollars"

Jeff "wow...I guess I shouldn't be using it to dry my balls then"?

Mr Bison

Filp Flop Hot Pot

2009-06-29T18:13:00.003+01:00

I love wearing flip flops and I'll wear them any chance I get. Sadly the only time you really can (when your a man) is on holiday. Dubai is the best place (although I will wear them in Edinburgh, fuck em snobby sods) and it makes me sad when its such a hot day and I'm clumping about in my big boots.

One day I was out drinking in Dubai for 9 hours, when I left the house its was a lovely and sunny and I didn't expect to getting V.I.P and an upscale vodka bar that night.

Me and the group get there at 9pm place isn't even open yet, I mean that's cool the fact it doesn't even need to open most of the night is a real crowd puller. I'm guessing the really cool places are only open for like an hour and they change it all the time. Cause we're above cool we get let in while the place is still closed, but we still have to pass the bouncers.

I'm still wearing my flip flops and there is no way I'll get let in no matter how well connected I am, plus I'll look a total tit, I haven't got knock back from a club since my last exam (12 hours drinking after a 3 hours Economic exam) most of us couldn't stand up.

So I'm looking sheepish but I'm trying not to draw attention to my feet but the guilt is unbearable, i begin to sweat heavily and my pockets feel like there crammed with contraband oh the pressure.

Just as I'm about to slink past behind the 23 year old graphic designer this massive hand jumps out to block me. Now i'm 6'2 so when a guy taller than me towers over and asks the question..."are you wearing flip flops"?

Now what would you do? My first reaction as an honest man is to admit it and just turn around. Or I can start to beg the large man to let me in please let me in.

With the fierce gaze burning into me I just take a deep breath look him right in the eyes...exhale with a snort and shrug my shoulders with a low voiced"naw".

"All right, have a good night". Classic, what are the odds that that would work if i didn't that in Scotland the bouncer would have beaten me with the fucking flip flops. This is the closest I've ever felt like James Bond and its a great feeling.

Mr Bison

The 360 Backhanding MP Game

2009-06-27T20:52:00.005+01:00

OK, when you spend as much time as me jumping between pastimes and hobbies you meet some colourful people.

Some of them (I have noticed) love to lead conversations. Which is great don't get me wrong that's kind of the point...of having a point. You talk to get your point across...but when it's someone Else's story or point, why do they feel the need to piss on the guys chips...while hes still talking.

What is it with people who just instinctively disagree with you all the time, no matter what the subject?

I don't think I'm right all the time but even when people are pushing some home grown pish talk drudge up from there self inflated ego trips I just let them run with it. Smile, guffaw and chuckle when you think your meant to.

This I don't get, I'm an old school conversationalist, its your turn to talk when the other person is drinking his paint. When your drinking yours is there turn...and so on and so forth.

A few months ago I invented a game to pass the time when caught in a situation where no matter what you say the other person just takes the opposite view even if they aren't actually putting any real empirical evidence forward.

The you can only get points by making your opponent contradict themselves IN THE SAME CONVERSATION. Zero points if there is a break in the conversation you have to keep going until you score. Just keep them talking for as long as you can and try and slightly change your argument ever so slightly and watch how they follow suit until they go rough round on themselves.

Points are higher in the first 5 mins of the game and they decrease over time, after 30 mins you have to give up and agree with the person that you were wrong and your sorry you were ever born. It's a harsh trade off but i think the game is worth it to see people make total tits of themselves.

Tonight I broke my own personal best and managed to do it within 3 mins. I was going for a triple score which you can only achieve if you can convince the person to change there mind back to what it was originally.

Another night perhaps.

Mr Bison

Sad Days

2009-06-21T18:12:00.003+01:00

I' ve always been very witty, I wish I could say it was something I can control but it really isn't. Most of my intelligence is just all natural and comes from a subconscious level. Most things I say in response to other peoples quips I don't even know I'm saying them half the time. It's like a voice in my head just says exactly whats on my mind and I don't have the ability to stop myself from saying that. It's basically a form of radical honesty that makes people think i'm a bawbag.

My one rule is I only use my powers for good (sadly this isn't always the case), as I see to many intelligent folk just spend there time putting people down. I only use my quips to put smiles on peoples faces...which is why this story is a bit sad.

My Lawyer's daughter is still young but since she started talking I've noticed that she is a very sharp and converses amazingly, however she does act up as children do. One time when I was round she was acting up against her mothers instructions.

In true super nanny style mum put her on the naughty step, upon which the little one balled her eyes out begging for forgiveness. Once the time was up she was released from her faux prison and made to promise that the infraction she made would not happen again. Like all children the tears soon stopped and she sat up at the table and began to colour again.

I joined her and started drawing as best I could, I of course am in no way an artist. I tried my best to draw a happy smiling face to which I was asked, "Whats that"? Upon telling her that it was a picture of her I was then told, "That looks nothing like me, that's rubbish".

Being slightly hurt from this statement and completely forgetting that I was conversing with a small child I very coldly blurted out "well at least I didn't get put on the naughty step".

In a split second I took her happy bubbling smile away and replaced it with a mixture of shock and sadness.

I do feel awful about it.

Mr Bison

Warning Otters

2009-04-27T17:32:00.002+01:00

Ok, whats this about we were driving down to do this show in Stranraer on the A77 we see a few odd things.

The first being the most confusing sign ever it was a red triangle with a huge exclamation mark and the word "otters". This of course doesn't really explain much...do we need to beware the otters as they are dangerous? Do I need to need to speed to to escape there watery ways or slow down and appreciate them as the majestic kings of land and Sea?

Or is the name of the game just to shout OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of your voice into the drivers ear making him swerve and cruse the day of your birth?

Yes to the last one :-)

Mr Bison

Love Potion Rankings

2009-04-26T15:16:00.005+01:00

Ok here's one from a little conversation between me an my lawyer. Listening to some of my top 500 tunes he noticed that "Love Potion Number #9" was on one of my CD's. I of course started to go on about how the song had everything. Guy has a problem he goes out and solves it using a the capitalist structure of supply and demand. He demanded a potion to improve his chances with women and some creepy woman with gold teeth (and I'm guessing no valid business licence) was happy to assit him.

This then got me thinking...if she made him love potion number #9...does that mean there is love potions from 1-8 as well? Otherwise shes just adding numbers onto the end of her products for no reason. By this logic out of all the love potions she has she has pre determined that number #9 is the one he needs.

Since she doesn't really ask him nay questions about the type of girl he wants to attract then we can only assume that the numbering system is not based on any type specific attraction points and that it is based on how unappealing the individual is.

So this guy is #9 which must be quite strong so we can assume he is a bit of a minger. Perhaps he likes Star Trek just a bit to much and he puts women off by asking them to come aboard the Bridge and makes inappropriate jokes about firing the photon torpedo's.

For the purposes of this demonstration I've come up with a very simple graph as a possible indicator.

It ranges from your standard potion #1 user who is good looking but has some confidence issues. It makes him just a little bit more appealing but he can feel happy knowing hes going to get a good return for his potion intake.

At the other end of the scale are the total train wrecks who need a highly concentrated does.

Please keep in mind the potion doesn't actually make you more attractive to the potential mates it just gets you stoned off your ass so much you don't care anymore. Hence the real lesson here is only buy goods and services from recognised business's.

Mr Bison

Genius Idea

2009-04-24T23:00:00.000+01:00

"I think pub games need to be more exciting. How about "Life and Death Jenga" with blocks so big if you topple them you may be crushed. If this catches on the games can be expanded to "Real life Buckaroo" where contestants have to stack mining equipment onto a live mule."

Thats my idea for the show "Genius" I watched it and have spent all week trying to work out which one of my nutcase ideas I could send in.

This one has been on my mind since my Uni days. After noticing these large connect four games in certain pubs I though about all the games that would be much more fun...if they were just made a hell of alot bigger.

It has everything drunk guys and possible serious injury and a chance to be a big man in front of the ladies...if you win then you have the thrill of hurting a fellow human being without the guilt aspects. If you lose well chicks dig scars, every body's a winner. Just one of you doesn't have to go to hospital after being kicked by an angry mule.

Mr Bison

Sunday Tunes

2009-04-19T20:09:00.003+01:00

So I'm sitting today and for the 4th week in a row at the exact same time I'm getting blasted with really really stupid music. Top level floor shaking volume always the same songs every week...I mean how can you really chill out on a Sunday listening to songs cranked up to the max?

I on the other hand consider myself a very considerate neighbour...I only play good music!

Mr Bison

Quiz Night

2009-04-10T07:32:00.000+01:00

Now I love Quiz's anything to do with fun and games etc I love to play and I love to win.

What I hate is a crooked quiz that we can never win...even worse when the guy fixes it for us to win!!!! That really sets me off. We once lost to a team who got every question right inlcuding one question that was misleading. It was like answering a question that no one asked.

So with all this tension going on I thought it best not to go back for a while perhaps he would get fired and we can all go back to a nice night in the pub like the olds days.

Alas that is not what happened, i'm going to spend all of tomorrow kicking myself over ones I should have got.

Mr Bison

Little Twist

2009-04-05T01:07:00.000+01:00

When I started blogging I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. Wanted to see if I would make it as an internationally famous blogger based on my own merits. But lets be honest no international blog scouts are trolling through these pages while smoking huge Havana cigars screaming at there PA’s for fresh coffee before jumping on the five am conference call to LA. Even if they were they would only go for the real sleazy blogs you know the naked truth about life as steal worker. Sexy romps in the back of your local charity shops.

So I decided to share the secret with some of my friends, just a few at first to get a bit of crit on the work so far. This includes Auntie Bison the most Scottish English woman I know who lives in a far off land. A few uni friends and now my trusted lawyer, who is a successful blogger himself. In all my years of knowing him I don't think I have ever had more encouragement than a the txt I got at 11pm last night "v.funny by the way". I now feel like I have arrived. It almost makes up for the tasteless caber tossing reference he threw at me last time I visited.

Word is less paranoid nonsense about cows and more economic run downs. Now I say the more I dig into this cow’s thing the more I get scared about leaving the house. Clearly they have human supporters and they know I’m getting close.

Mr Bison

Thursday Rant

2009-04-04T04:27:00.000+01:00

Evening All

While waiting for the Hunt for Red October to start the little program link guy comes out with “A submarine is spotted off the coast of America if it’s an enemy can Sean Connery step up and stop them”? Of course not because he’s on the fucking Sub and it wasn't spotted at all, Alec Baldwin had to work it out fly round the World to sort it out.

How can anyone make a mistake like that!!!!! If you haven’t seen the film then you should be publicly flogged as it rocks on so many levels, I mean Connery kills some guy after being on screen for five minuets something he only does in Bond films. Even in the untouchables it takes him and hour to get round to it.

They must give these transition guys a synopsis of the things. You can’t expect these guys to write there own material for every show, there just there to give some snappy lines to get people hooked on some mediocre show with limited appeal that happens to be on next.

This will bug me for ages I have already written to Sky to complain I will let you know when they have got back to me.

Mr Bison

Shaved New World

2009-04-01T04:32:00.000+01:00

Evening All

Now over the last god knows number of years of my life I have always found shaving the most distressing part of living. Ever since I was young I have needed to shave constantly as even one day of razor apathy can result in uncontrollable growth.

When I was 15 I began to grow my sideburns to an alarming size and quantity in an effort to appear more sophisticated. But being 6 foot at the tender age of 15 I didn’t find people questioning me much. The sideburns were unnecessary and as I found out ridiculous.

I often think that I would do better using a light sabre and the force to keep my chin whiskers at bay, but alas that cult I joined over the Internet wasn’t worth the paper my credit card statement is printed on.

Now it seems the way to go is back to the good old days, forget 5 blades of smooth easy gliding and super easy on magic shave gel. As I was approached by the shadiest of men, the Del Boy of the eBay era as it were. He spotted all the weaknesses in me and jumped right on top of them, “How much do you spend razors? I bet it’s a lot you know 5 blades 10 bucks each it all mounts up you know.” Just buying my first flat has made me quite thrifty over the last few months of course I was hooked.

“I have just the thing for you young man; cure all your shaving troubles in one week. The closest shave you will ever get and wont leave you itchy and red.” Another problem that I seem to have when shaving with the newer blades.

“The way to go is old style single edged replaceable blades, a badger hair brush and old style lathering soap. Enough disposable blades to last a year and all for the low low cost of 25 Bucks, that’s a special price to you my good friend my eBay customers pay a lot more.” Well now I’m sucked right in I mean think about it how long do those fancy 3, 4 and 5 blade razors last…2 weeks? 10 Bucks every 2 weeks from now until you die, plus the rate of inflation I’m a child of Economics of course I can’t say no.

So I pay up I get the kit and I set it all up stood in front of my huge bathroom mirror, lather up my badger brush and slowly coat my face in this thick soap.

Now I can whole heartily say that I have never had a closer shave…while at the same time I can whole heartily say that I have very little skin left on my face to shave tomorrow. Now the question is do I give up just because there’s a pint of blood gushing down my sink or do I stick it out for a few more weeks see how it goes. Perhaps this is the new trend I mean people are going back to old style mobile phones perhaps its time to see a return of the old style barber shops with the Sweeney Todd style straight razors. Trust you life in the hands of a professional I mean how dangerous can it be.

Try it now, all you men, put your head right back expose that Adams Apple and think of the scene from “From Russia with Love”…

Mr Bison

Friday Brunch

2009-03-07T09:11:00.000Z

You hear about that couple that got caught having sex on the beach in Dubai? I like these stories popping up as it reminds me of my time there. The story goes that she lived there and he was a tourist and they met at a "Friday Brunch". Friday being the beginning of the weekend over there so it is traditionally the day that all ex-pats go out at Noon and don't stop drinking till the next day.

To help facilitate this the pubs and clubs like to offer Brunch to all you hungry drunks to keep you drinking for as long as possible without leaving. These things are amazing you fill up on all the things you think your missing from home:

1) Yorkshire Puddings
2)Roast Beef and gravy
3) Roast Pataoes
4) Custom Omelets made by a professional chef dressed better than you
5) Creamy Mash
6) Champagne
7) Gin and Tonic
8) Corona

You know the things you would be enjoying at 1 in the afternoon in the UK. So these two lovers met at one of these brunches got hammered and supposedly went to one of the most popular beach spots in all of Dubai (next to the Burj al Arab) and decided this was a good place to get it on. I know its popular cause I've been there loads of times...no women want to jump me when I was there though.

In a country where you shouldn't even technically be drinking these two thought dry humping next to the road was a good idea. Even got the camels walking past you as well.

They got arrested and it was straight to Jail...and all power to the cops that picked them up cause lets face it would you arrest a guy with a raging stonner? I fucking wouldn't! Although it does give you some novel ways to handcuff him I guess. Now all I can think about is where was I going wrong? Where were these horny women when I was at these mad Brunches...as my friend Annie suggested that perhaps I don't prioritise correctly in a situation with women, booze and food...I may have been distracted with by the rump rather than...well the rumps.

Mr Bison

Snow Times At Braemar High

2009-02-09T13:31:00.003Z

So in an effort to relax and unwind a little bit since by all rights I should be in Dubai right now I decided to take a long weekend up in Braemar.

Of course perhaps a trip up to a remote highland town during one of the most severe weather fronts was not the best idea. I made it up in one piece but when the snow hits you on those twisty roads it's quite a thing to not drive off the side to your friary death.

The oddest thing (or perhaps not) is the fact that most of the inhabitants of this little snowy town are either Eastern European or form the Philippians. Hotel workers are the most transferable skill base these days.

Not only that...you also have the tourists. Now being form Glasgow of course that's how people were looking at me but I has hoping that this trip would establish my Scottish Routes. Not much as I was in the town for 5 Min's and I had to get a push after getting stuck in the snow.

Now the whole place was covered in snow and it was beautiful, I mean i loved it. Getting all wrapped up and walking in it was a real treat. By the Sunday the sun was shining and it wasn't even cold walking for hours was just a thrill.

I was walking over the bridge back to the hotel when a group of people from a specific area of London were appreciating the lovey scene from the bridge. When one of them shouts out is his best cockney accent, "Oh man that is lovely. I mean that is just beautiful. You know what? if I had my camera right now. I would take a picture of that".

Wow! Thank you so much. What a stamp of approval on my Country you Jackass. That you would take a picture of a lovely Scottish scene if only you had bothered your arse to pack a camera, take it out your pocket, hit the power button, raise it to your eye and click the shutter release for a second...thereby capturing the moment for all time. Bawbag!!!

Mr Bison

There's a man outside...

2009-01-03T19:42:00.003Z

Ok this ones for my Lawyer since he has the strange obsession about a very popular Scottish song (that doesn't appear in my Top 500 as I think it's pish).

Of course I am talking about Dignity! You know the one "gonnae buy a dhingy gonnane caw her MA BOAT!!!!!" Now it's a very touching song about...I don't really know it think its 80's sappy crap that makes you think slightly but once it's over you want to hear some hot 19 year old American Girl sing about kissing other women again.

I have a live and let live policy with these songs they do me no harm so I let it go. However one line always bugs me...

"And I'm telling this story
In a faraway scene
Sipping down Raki
And reading Maynard Keynes"

What gets me is where this street sweeping pseudo-socialist gets off sitting in a bar reading Maynard Keynes. Who would be the first person to tell him that a council worker saving money for 20 years is the reason we are in a rescission right now. Get yourself an expensive past time, take up smoking or gamble it all away doesn’t matter as long as it’s getting spent (and taxed so stay off those untaxed expensive past times). That would keep at least 50 people in a job for years rather than one Dinghy maker for a week.

Keynes was the first economist to start using monetary policy to improve growth in the economy. He came up with the "Paradox of thrift" stating that money sitting in bank accounts collecting dust does no one any good, saving and not spending means capital is not getting reinvested making large scale growth impossible. It's easier to understand with large companies saving and not reinvesting but it works right down to your street sweeper hoarding away his cash for 2 decades.

If you forget about the many articles that Keynes wrote these are some of the highlights of his books. Which do you think caught our protagonist’s eye?

"Indian Currency and Finance"
"The Economic Consequences of the Peace"
"A Treatise on Probability"
And the excellent sequel “Revision of the Treaty”
"General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money"
"The Means to Prosperity" (Haven’t read it but I doubt chapter one is pick up litter all day)

Also keep in mind that this man’s main past time was humiliating and brow beating people of less intellect than himself...which was everyone really. So Bogie ain’t going to be too happy when he falls off his crappy boat and has to deal with him in the great beyond!

Mr Bison

Christmas Shopping

2008-12-06T22:44:00.003Z

Little Annie needed to pick up a dress for her works night out and of course being the nosey sod I asked to tag along.

Never does things by half does our Annie so its into town (the big town that is not the little piddly ones that I call town). Glasgow city center 3 weeks till Christmas fucking mad house. I did notice some differences between shopping in Glasgow compared to the suburbs.

1) The female staff are totaly gorgeous!!!! They could have asked me to try on a pair of knee high boots and chances are I would have said yes...or just said no its OK just ring the up I'll try them when I get home.

2) There are tons of them.....hot young women running about a crowded store bending over every 3 seconds my eyeballs nearly popped out. That's a great sales tactic, hit em hard hit em fast and hit them from all sides. It's like Blitzkrieg but with tits and ass all over the place.

3) Blond haired guys wearing hats with there trousers round about there ankles (wearing striped rainbow coloured boxers) have to stay at least 50 feet away from me at all times or I'll kick them in the balls so hard they will need a hat to hide the baw shaped dents in there foreheads.

4) Guys in vintage clothes shops get all the snatch...fashion sense and access to old tatty crap equals good times from impressionable young lassies.

5) Don't buy food from vendors on the street. Not cause its a rip off price wise or the food hygiene levels are sub standard, its mainly that these poor sods somehow think that you buying something from there kart somehow makes you a friend of there's and will progress to talk fucking pish AT YOU for the length of time you are being served by them.

FUCK YOU! give me my freezing cold burger with "Cheddar Cheese" (odd that you can now get authentic Cheddar cheese in the form of a processed slice freshly unwrapped before your eyes) and let me be on my way.

Oh and number 6 I do love my Little Annie to death and wouldn't trade a second with her for anyone else.

Mr Bison

That Time Of Year

2008-12-04T10:03:00.000Z

Well, Well, Well it's getting to the highlight of most peoples years...THE END!

Being Scottish puzzles me sometimes as we do like to drink and we do love to party but at no such time more than New Year. We have our own word for it (Hogmanay) I mean I tried looking into other countries to see if they have there own names for it but fuck it I'm quite lazy on Saturdays. We love this time of year statistically we spend more than anyone else (that's personal spending) on Hogmanay celebrations. What I'm thinking of these days is what are we celebrating?

Is it the end to a great year?
Is it to forget the fucking crap year you have just been put through. The cold, the rain, the neds?
Is it to celebrate the fact that a new year has come at long last? One where all out hopes and dreams are realised? If so when do we stop then...when do we know when they are...or do we just keep going on hoping for the best?

I mean up in Stonehaven they swing 2 Meter wide balls of fire over there heads. Have you been to Stonehaven? I thought it was a little sleepy coastal town...now its like the island from "The Wicker Man".

I mean these guys have baws.
Mr Bison

Manager Bison 4

2008-12-02T20:46:00.000Z

Well folks I came back from my Managers course a new man. After 8 days over the last 6 months I have been kicking ass and taking names at this great big manor house in England.

Now all the my efforts have born the fruit of hard work and sacrifice. I passed not only the course but my work based assignment has been deemed (by an independent body of adjudicators) to be a great analysis of management behaviours and how they can improve working conditions. For all my hard work i was awarded the highest honour with a Pass of 86% I was the only person in my team to gain a distinction.

I have to admit I did tear up a bit when I was asked to say a few words in front of the group but I managed to hide it well.

I don't think I have even been more proud of myself and the work I do, but at the same time sad for the fact...it doesn't mean much to anyone else how well I did. I can understand why some people don't bother trying to excel at things like this. They just turn up and go through the motions get drunk at the bar every night...I actually enjoyed trying to change the way I think and work.

I met some great people and even know stories of my exploits have reached people around the depot as everyone know associates Scotland with "that big guy...you know the one...hes dead funny." I really enjoyed doing it and I was amazed I fitted in so well with other people that I couldn't have less in common with even if i tried.

Mr Bison
Proud to be a swat

Ring Tones

2008-10-20T22:28:00.000+01:00

While visiting my mate Del Boy at the studio he introduced me to a lovely couple that where in the area at the time. Husband and wife, great sense of humour, lots of good stories oh and of course both professional porn stars.

Never a nicer couple of people I have ever met regardless of what they do for a living. While his wife was shooting I was chatting away with the husband this that and the other usual stuff strangers talk pish about, where your from, what the weathers like, how many sugars you take in your coffee, holiday destinations etc. When all of a sudden his phone goes.

His ring tone was one I have heard a few times and I'm sure you would have to its of the woman using an announcers voice and saying "would the man with the 10 inch penis please answer the phone." It's still quite an odd thing to hear in polite company though so you try and ignore it and pretend like its quite a normal ring tone.

I some bizarre attempt of conversation making he then tells me, "I love that ring tone the moment I heard it. I love the Irony of it cause I actually have an 11 inch cock!" He then proceeds to laugh in an expectant way encouraging me to join in...yeah you got to love that irony...

Mr Bison

Stags at Large

2008-10-13T02:27:00.001+01:00

OK quick Stag story again. On a Stag weekend in Blackpool we were walking by this bar and it was only around 7pm not even dark yet. The bouncer and some local were squaring up outside, bouncer talking big and telling the guy where to go, young guy giving it the same. There was 2 bouncers on the door so it looked liked they had everything under control.

We were walking by when I noticed that the guy had a blade sticking out of his trousers. Being the concerned citizens that we are, and not wanting to see anyone hurt, we shout a warning "Watch out he's got a blade." Warnings should be pretty clear and concise in my book, upon hearing this the two bouncers looked at each other and ran into the bar and shut and locked the doors. Leaving us outside with a very disgruntled youth with a possible penchant for stabbing folk.

At this point he decided his point was made and he walked off into the night without hindrance.

Morale of the story...Blackpool is really scummy these days...but it was still a great Stag Weekend!

Mr Bison

Wedding Blues

2008-10-12T17:29:00.002+01:00

I was up visiting my mate Del Boy at the studio to see his extremely new and extremely expensive 44 inch canvas printer.

I noticed that he had a new display with examples of wedding albums next to it. Which I found odd since Del Boy hates doing weddings and has found that you can be extremely rich without having to snap women in white and men wondering if they have done the right thing.

So I ask, "You going to do start doing weddings again then?"

"Ach I don't know as soon as you do one the people come up and they bring their friends and they show them pictures then they want to book you then they want to get their friends booked in and the whole thing just goes on and on."

Puzzled i said "So your saying your not happy doing weddings because...it will lead to more weddings."

"Yeah!"

He did have a point I guess.
Mr Bison

More Wedding News

2008-10-10T14:59:00.000+01:00

As I know he will be angry if I don't mention it I want to say a big congratulations to my mate Rex who has just got himself engaged to a lovely woman who I'm sure will treat him right for the remainder of his days.

Given my past record with Wedding events I'm not to sure if I will be going as it seems that while my new management style has mellowed me I still have a lot of old grudges that seem to flare up in formal settings.

We were at a little Fringe reunion when he told everyone and this caused a little round of who has the best stripper related story. Now through my wide and varied life of traveling and photography I thought I had the best one...I sadly have be hugely outdone by one of our fellow cast members.

During his first trip to a lap dancing bar he got pretty hammered and his mates decided to buy him a private dance. In good costuming style the dancer had the long arm gloves that give all strippers that elegant look they so desperately crave. Now of course there is a no touching rule but of course to get the guy involved a bit she offers him the tip of her glove in a sexy gesture, he can bite the tip and she can remove her arm.

Our guy not sure on the etiquette...BITES HER HAND! Prompting the poor girl to shriek and causing an abrupt end to the dance.

Mr Bison

Slippery When Wet

2008-10-08T18:58:00.003+01:00

Now, I am known as being a man with a fair bit of intelligence in this old world. I don't show it much as I don't like being flashy but I know a fair bit about a fair but...when I don't I just guess. It's not uncommon that people will approach me for advice and guidance on a wide variety of things.

So one of my friends comes round a while ago with a very perplexed look on her face. She recently purchased a gift for herself from the battery operated section of her local Ann Summers, however she needed some advice after reading through the operations manual and finding the line, "do not get the product wet".

"What the fuck do they expect me to do with it if I can't get it wet?"

That is a very good question I thought.

Mr Bison

Thats My New Philosophy

2008-10-03T22:59:00.006+01:00

Thinking of my mate Rex again (since I haven't seen him since our road trip to Moffat) I came across an E Mail that was going back and forth round the cast mainly concering Yoshimi and her affection for documenting the past in excessive detail (my inbox is still full of photos most of which I have no idea when they were taken and why). So one of the cast thinks its best that we all should just forget the show and get on with our lives...but he could have just said he was busy rather than stirring things up with this E Mail...

"Video replays can often generate a harsh personal critique of your own and others' performances, hence I would prefer to watch the video at my own leisure in peace and quiet and comfort and not at a potential 'pecking party'(sic!) as these video nights can very often turn out - even with the best intentions, people can be hurt by others' passed remarks. I'm a firm believer in "living the moment" and prefer to have my own personal memories, thanks."

My response was funny but Rex's still makes me laugh.

"I’m with ******** on this one – let it go!!

And in line with this new philosophy I’ve thrown out all my DVDs (watched them), photos (seen them) and CDs (listened to them). I’ve ripped up my degrees (not at uni anymore), examination certificates (not at school anymore) and my Blue Cross Code certificates too (right good at crossing the road now). I also told my brother to stop going on about his first born (boring) and informed my mum she’s to stop talking about that Jesus bloke (I mean it was 2000 fuckin’ years ago, man). And while we’re at it, shut the museums and stop teaching archaeology and history.

Onwards and upwards. "

God Bless you Rex
Mr Bison

Dreams & All That Pish

2008-10-02T17:56:00.003+01:00

I've been a bit stressed....pretty much all my life so I try not to take much notice of dreams but here's one that really freaked me out.

In the dream I was so overworked I got myself Cloned to help with my work load. After a week I find I'm still working to hard mainly because my Clone is living my life better than me. He's to busy partying with his friends to actually help out where the hell did he meet them?

I come home turn on the TV and there's my Clone on TV getting interviewed about his engagement to Gillian Anderson with no shirt on (don't ask me why) and hes got this tattoo on his chest of a Dolphin surrounded by stars (don't ask why I can't think why he would get that design)

I've always wanted to get a tattoo but have been to scared to get it done what makes my Clone so fucking cool?

Mr Bison

Manager Feedback Time

2008-10-01T17:36:00.001+01:00

OK folks that's me back, was getting a bit stressed with all the effective managing that I have been doing so thought it was best to take a month off and rest.

For the final part of my course I have to hand out evaluation forms for my colleagues to completed. What my strong and week points are and what areas I need to work on.

So one of them came back under the section marked "Name Three things this person does least effectively".

He put;

1 - "Can be over critical at times".
2 -
3 -

So I pinned it to the wall in the shift managers office with...IT SAYS THREE FUCKING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! written on it.

Perhaps he has a point.

Mr Bison

Off

2008-08-31T07:45:00.001+01:00

Having a month of folks have a look at the back catalogue if your bored.

Mr Bison

Mamma Mia

2008-08-30T20:05:00.000+01:00

I was speaking to my mate Yoshimi and she was over the moon as her and her mates were going to a Sing-Along-Version of the Movie Musical "Mamma Mia." You may have heard about it...its a musical that uses songs from a famous band to help tell the story...or in other words not a musical at all!!!

Musicals have original scores not just some old broken up bands back catalog. So its the story of a young girl trying to find out who her dad is before she gets married. It's a choice of three cause her mum got gang banged at a party in the 60's. I mean come on what a shocking story line how does everyone just gloss over the fact the girls mum is a total slapper? The film should be about the girls need for therapy before she ends up in a 3 way marriage set in the back drop of the LA porn industry.

Anyway, she just txt me shocked from the cinema "Oh my god they have Subtitles in the film!!!!! This is going to be great" I can just imagine her sitting there with her lyric book trying to read in the dark and being so happy.

Mr Bison

Wedding Punch Up

2008-08-29T17:31:00.002+01:00

Anyway think back to my friends wedding last week. Those who know me will know I do have a very glum face and I don't "Smile" in the conventional sense. Cause I never really learned how i think its cause I have a small mouth and hate showing my teeth (and yet my tongue is huge the human body is really odd sometimes). At the end of the night (after I was up Ceilidh dancing my ass off and body popping at the table and making friends with a new photographer from Leeds and talking to some other cool folks) this bawbag i have never seen before puts his hands on my shoulder and says, "Don't you ever fucking smile?"

I mean this guy has a gift...he can look at someone and say exactly the right thing to make them as pissed off as the can be!!!! I was wearing a kilt I love wearing a kilt you fucking twat you can't be miserable wearing a kilt that's something our ancestors fought for!

Now my friends will tell you that the last few years I've become much more mellowed due to a rule I enforce where I give everyone 10 seconds to shut the fuck up and and move away from me and if they make it to the safe zone I forget about it. This guy just stood there not moving not saying anything...Pissing me off!

Now you know you have anger issues when the BRIDE has to step in between you and some dickhead who's had 15 to many. At this point I would again apologise again to my dear friend who has been nothing but a ray of sunshine whenever I speak to her. It turns out the guy in question is a friend of the grooms who even warned him not to antagonise the other guests. When the Bride saw him and me conversing she knew it wasn't a "Do you happen to have the time?" sort of conversation. Good reflexes on ya girl your one hell of a catch and I would never ever deck someone at your wedding no matter how pissed off I was.

As for the bawbag in question...I'll see you at the christening.

Mr Bison

Patato Letter

2008-08-27T19:24:00.002+01:00

Taken from the book "Highland Letters During The Potato Famine" this touching extract is from Emily to a Jack.

Dear Jack

You fucking rat! How could you do this to me? You come up here with your smooth talk and broad shoulders, get me into bed and ride me silly for two days, then you run off with all my tatties. I worked hard to grow them and you think a dirty weekend in the bran when my poor Billy bed ridden with the Scurvy means you can run aff with me spuds.

I'll track you down if it's the last thing I do bawbag.

Emily

To Much Love and Music

2008-08-24T15:36:00.004+01:00

Now my mate Rex is a great guy but with his 9 to 5 job you would expect him to be a bit more...subdued and professional in all situations. But its good to see that you can be good at a serious job and still be wild at heart.

So at the Fringe one of our Senior cast members gets talking to Rex and the subject of Guitars comes up. We always encourage guitar playing at the fringe as were all creative souls and we like to Jam very loudly into the wee small hours. But some people can take it to far and you when they go on and on about it your mind starts to wonder a bit and you wish you could just say something to shut them up...wall Rex managed to do just that.

"You know I've got a room in my house that's full of guitars. I've been playing all my life and I've collected some of the best guitars all great deals as well. This one here was only £29 I mean what a deal brand new 29 quid. I have around 43 guitars all wall mounted in this one room of my house its fabulous you know a real sight. You fancy coming round to mine sometime and see them?"

With a straight face and dead pan delivery Rex simply said "Why? Do you want to Bum Me?"

And people say you should never answer a question with a question. Classic! I'm now racking my brain trying to work out when I can use this as a response. Rex my hat goes off to you.

Mr Bison

Good Time Had By All

2008-08-22T19:37:00.000+01:00

I had the best time last night, it was fab to see my old friend dressed up like a princess. Something is bothering me though I'm still single and that's 2 of them married off now and one more coming up. Still doing not bad in that grand scheme of things but I really don't want to be the last one to get married, because that's what every ones expecting. Me to cough up for 9 presents and get nothing back...well not this guy I'll fight tooth and nail to get somebody...hopefully I wont have to fight her thought that would be counter productive.

So I quizzed the room and would you believe it not one of my mates knew that Adam Smith as on the English £20 note!!!! Even the girls from England didn't know that. Well Fuck You Elgar no one wants to hear your Romantic Pish that's what you got bumped. I gave few lectures on Smith while the band were on break. People ask why I talk about him so much but trust me if you ever get asked who is your Role Model in an interview...I know I'm sorted.

One thing did put me out a little bit i'll tell you that one another time just be happy that i'm happy. I don't get many chances to get out and be fun anymore so thses little breaks in sitting about the house really make it all worth while.

Mr Bison

Ode to a Econ Sister

2008-08-22T17:03:00.003+01:00

Its a sad one this day folks something to touch your little soft special areas. Today is a very special day as a friend form my old econ course is marrying the man of her dreams. The few years I knew her at Uni I was never a happy guy everything got on my nerves and I had a lot of issues that I felt would never go away. She was like a beacon that flashed constantly about how positive thinking and a less serious grip on reality could make day to day existing a lot easier.

Always had a smile on her face this girl and she was unshakable (and she even shocked me a few times which is not easy done). In all the good and fond memories I have of her I only have one that will stay with me forever as thinking about it shows that I am a good person to turn to in case of an emotional crisis.

Now, before anyone jumps on at me about this not being accurate as far as I'm aware this is exactly how it went and it is one of my most treasure memories so please don't piss on my bonfire. I'm waiting on confirmation from the bride on this account.

During our Honorers year we all had to sit a course called EPA (economic policy and applications) It was a hard class and the lecturer was actually quite new to the Uni and wasn't that good at teaching to be honest. So everyone was really nervous and it showed, when we got into the exam it was customary for the invigilator to actually say "You may turn over your exam papers and begin."

Fifteen minuets of watching 60 students not write she finally says you may begin. That kind of thing at the beginning of an exam can fuck up anyone. The time was added on to the end but some people just thought the worse as stress levels went through the roof.

After the exam me and my mates when back to the honours communal room to study for the next exam in a few days time. Sitting balling her eyes out was the Bride who was inconsolable about it and she could only think of the worst. Me (you remember me right) knowing that a bad start like this could cripple any runner, I took a few seconds of silent thought and came up with a line to handle the whole situation and get my friend back on track.

"Let's get drunk." The room looked at me like I had just stabbed the 800lbs Elephant in the room. Three days before the next big exam and this nutcase wants to get tanked, well I thought of it as therapeutic drinking just to get her mind off the exam (which she didn't fail by the way). Things like this happen all the time you forget about them and move on, but when your met to be concentrating on more exams you can let the fear grip you to much.

I remember her smiling and a little laugh slipped out and after a few minuets she gathered her things and all of us went down to our little home away from home the "October Bar" at 1pm on a Monday afternoon in May. Ordered some chips and other nibbles a round of beers and white wines for the ladies and the beer tasted sweeter because it was a little bit wrong to be out when we should have been studying. An hour later she was fine laughing and joking and we all left in reasonable shape to get some revision done.

It hurt me to see someone so chirpy all the time look so sad and all I can wish her on this day is that from now on she never has a reason to be sad again. If you do hunni just remember you have a great husband a spectacular family and friends that will always be there for you.

Mr Bison (tearful yes!)

Moffat, Home From Home

2008-08-17T19:15:00.003+01:00

So to end the show we like to go down to Moffat to do a little show and spend the night. This is the last time we will all be together and it really has been a very emotional time for us all so I know that when we all go back to work on Monday we will really feel the pinch.

The show went great but my role as the Catatonic nut case became really hard to endure as keeping still for 20mins each time was really really tough. I nearly pissed myself laughing at a stupid "In Joke" that means nothing to the audience but everything to the cast.

Without sounding like a little sissy I wanted to spend the last run in the company of my good friend Rex, who I must say has not disappointed me in any way during this project. I've been waiting 8 years to find someone who could crack me up at the Fringe and this guy done it without breaking a sweat. He was pure rock and roll the whole way through and it made me think fondly of all the craziness we used to get up to back when I was 17 at the Fringe.

His crowning glory I sadly was not in attendance as the second hotel as further away than his me, my lawyer and some others went home they decided to stay up and play some tunes on the guitar. Now, for those of you who have been around...Actors + Booze + Musical Instruments + Hotel = BANNED!!!!!!!!!!!

The South African owner of the hotel was not impressed "I've had 5 complaints already about you guys, and one women called me and said she isnt going to fucking pay." Now if this was my hotel and some woman said she wasn't going to pay I would have called the cops on her not hassle Rex and the gang.

I also have the possibly last Gusism ever...after driving down to Moffat from Edinburgh he enters the little theatre and says "Scotland! Whats with all the fucking Heather? I mean it's all over the place." Jeez man the sun was shining the drive was great and Scotland is the greatest country ever...leave the heather alone man.

Mr Bison

Confessions of a potato lover

2008-08-10T18:17:00.002+01:00

On my trip to the Fringe this year I came across a great little find in a little book shop just off the Grass market. Without coming across like some demented Harry Potter fan its a bit like that shop he buys his books from...run down nothing special but inside is all the books you have never heard of. Old and tattered but holding such old wisdom that is long forgotten in today's society. Tales of love and anger through all the hardship of before it makes me weep what our great great grandfathers went through to make this country great.

I found a touching little book simply titled..."Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." I didn't haggle I paid the old book vendor the full 80p and left the shop clutching my piece of history.

Now if I may I would like to post a extract from this touching book, and I would like to make it a regular thing whenever i read something that touches me I'll post it for all to enjoy.

An extract from "Highland Letters During the Potato Famine." Addressed to Gretchen MacFarlane signed only Angus.

My Darlin Gretchen

Have you got any tatties hen? I could really use a few spuds down here, ma mince is skiteing aff the plate there's nothing keepin it company. I'd give ma left nut for wan eh your shephurds pies, god I miss my spuds.

Forever Hungry
Angus

Fringe 8

2008-08-09T19:56:00.004+01:00

Well it's all over folks done and dusted were packing up and heading home. It was a great week the Critics hated us and the Audiences loved us...that's the stuff real stories are made from. We sold out every night apart form the nights where we over sold (get it round you, bawbags). At the end of the day were there to entertain people and we did that just cause we didn't get a bit of paper from some hack telling us how great we are...who cares we still had a sell out show and people left the venue feeling something...alive most of all.

I enjoyed this fringe more this year as we had so many new people joining us and we could see the way we felt all those years ago in there eyes.

My friend Rex (at 10am this morning while waiting for the cafe we were in to get milk...just cause your a fucking hot blonde and wear a little love heart covered skirt doesnt mean we won't be pissed off on waiting an hour for a cup of tea...was a good hour though great ass on her) was sitting a little glummy looking thinking about going back to his real life when all of a sudden he ducked his head under a little spot light and began reciting his lines...I literally had to shake him loose. It's a common side affect of the Fringe that you have to stay away from spotlights or you will have an uncontrollable urge to break into character and put the show on in your local Tapus Restaurant.

I worry about him the most as I remember my first year going home was a crushing experience, the only thing to do is just keep yourself going and every once and a while little snip its will come back to you and they will put a smile on your face that a grumpy old which can't take away from you.

Mr Bison

Fringe 7

2008-08-08T19:04:00.002+01:00

Now the point of theatre (I have always thought) is to make the audience feel something…anything you know what I mean. A comedy should make you laugh till your sides hurt and a weepy should do just that, put a tear to your eye. Make you feel something that you wouldn’t have felt otherwise…as most shows are set quite specific in bizarre circumstances.

Movies can do it but the power for someone to do this live while we watch them knowing that there just pretending is a true accomplishment So I was delighted to hear that people have been leaving the show in floods of tears at how the story ends. I’ve seen real tearjerkers in my time but if you don’t give a shit cause the acting is so bad then of course you wont through a big weepy one. I mean life is painful from start to finish the problems of some fictional characters don’t come anywhere near close to your real life problems, so to those who came to Venue 186 and shed a tear for us THANK YOU!

However, the oddest thing I have ever heard was from the member of the audience who approached the director after the show. “That was fantastic very, very touching. Can I just ask though see tomorrow…can McMurphy escape at the end?”

“I’m sorry?” My lawyer replied not sure what to say

“You know, I think the audience would like it better if him and Billy got away at the end you know leave them with a happy thought. All the throat cutting and smothering is quite distressing you know.” He couldn’t have been more serious about it.

I mean come on it’s a play not a DVD with a crappy alternative ending…even then I doubt Ken Kesey would allow such an injustice to occur. The whole show is gearing up for a violent ending and that’s what happens. The hero doesn’t always get away and no one should expect them to. It wouldn’t be the same show if he got away at the end…it would just be like every other happy ending pish written.

Mr Bison

Fringe 6

2008-08-07T17:54:00.003+01:00

Of course like all things as big as the fringe you will of course see some absolute pish. I got suckered into a one woman show that I thought was a play. I will have to start reading more reviews next year try and gauge how good shows are before forking over cash for them.

I took Rex with me and within 5 mins of watching I tapped him on the leg and said “When you want to walk out just let me know.”

He replied genuinely “Nah I wouldn’t be so rude.” I told him to say that in another 5 mins when we start peeling the skin from our bones. They should mark these shows like the mark personal adverts cause this chick was definitely SWF (single white female for those who haven’t seen the film). Turns out it was a one woman show about a nursery nurse who is going through a divorce and is losing control at her work. The odd thing is that the audience were laughing at all these carp jokes making me wonder what the fuck were we missing?

After the show it was a party back at the flats with tunes on from the Bison’s big list and then we broke out the guitars for some acoustic tuneage. We even managed to get a round of the “Edinburgh Fringe Blues” in where we screamed till it hurt about one of the casts moustache, this is always a highlight of the fringe.

Mr Bison

Fringe 5

2008-08-06T17:52:00.004+01:00

Today’s show of choice was a nice little one woman number about second hand clothes, with my friend Yoshimi. I don’t see her often but we usually meet at Fringe and she pretty much buys all her clothes from charity shops so I thought this was the best show for her. The funny thing is that the whole show actually made me think about relationships more than selling old clothes.

Aren’t we all right now just swapping partners around until we find the right fit? I know we all get new partners from time to time but come on there not really new are they? Other peoples smudges, handprints, bad habits, scuff marks these things change us make us slightly different each time. The older you get the more baggage you have and the new crisp feeling you once had when you were young just isn’t there anymore. Your not soft and gentle, years of experience will have made you hard and cynical about most things. Now think about how rough you are imagine what the people you date will be like.

I was thinking that I should have had more fun when I was younger as that is probably the last time I will ever get a proper of the shelf new girlfriend. I worry that the long I go without finding my true love the harder I’ll become and of course how hard she will be by this time.

Of course you can always get a brand new never been used one…but there quite hard to come by the older you get. Unless of course you’re exceptionally rich this does attract the younger models to the area of you but I mean you would have to be really rich.

I said this to Yoshimi and in her ever diplomatic way agreed with me but then put a more positive slant on it . She told me, "Worn has a history. It makes it more interesting. Anything without a history is sterile. Be it clothes, and item or a person, we're where we are because of where we've been. It shapes our thoughts, our opinions and our futures. I think something a bit worn enriches who or what it touches." Just imagine shes saying it with a Japanese accent to get the full effect.

I like that thought, I'll be taking that one with me.

Mr Bison

Fringe 4

2008-08-05T17:49:00.001+01:00

In all my 8 years of the Fringe I have never had the will power to make it to a show that starts at 10am…apart from the shows that I’m crewing and therefore have to be there. Today I finally made it to “Shakespeare for Breakfast” the show that boasts a great comedy show and coffee and croissants included in the ticket price. Not only did I laugh my ass off but I had the pleasure of seeing the hottest red head on stage I have ever seen. It was painful to watch a show with the cast so dam good looking. I’m even now considering stalking her, she’s in a kids show and I’m trying to get my Godson on loan for the morning. If I sit in the front row and I might get some audience interaction from her…then I could follow her around for the day after the show see where she goes, who she hangs around with then a little trip to court to finish the day off. As a wise man once said “it aint stalking, it’s just selective walking.”

The most interesting bit was after the show ended and we were waiting in the lobby when my lawyer starts to hand out flyers for our show.

Front of House Staff: “Sorry sir are you performing at this venue?”

Lawyer: “No!”

Front of House Staff: “Then I am going to have to ask you to leave. Now.”

All my crazy stuff I have pulled at least I’ve never been chucked out of a venue. There are a lot of rules when it comes to the fringe and for some reason the one person who is meant to be making sure we don’t break them is the one person who just does what he feels like.

Tonight was the best night I have ever spent on stage in my entire life; I’ve spent so long backstage I have forgotten what it was like to be part of a live show that just ran so well. I’m proud to be among such great actors each extremely dedicated to this project and amazed at how well this show has be received by the audiences each night.

Mr Bison

Fringe 3

2008-08-04T17:48:00.000+01:00

Now on day 3 of staying up till 5am having fun and laughing my ass off. Really starting to make me tired during the day. My breakfast consist of toast and cereal (better than left over Kebab I guess). So far I have only seen one show but I’m hoping to catch one today and two or three tomorrow.

My highlight so far has come from my friend Rex (self confessed Fringe Virgin) as he was out in costume flyering our show he stopped to enjoy one of the street performers. As the silent actor stepped away from his cap to scare a small child, a local junkie crept out of the shadows and in true thieving style walked calmly towards the mark and then sprinted off down the high street.
Rex of course watching the full thing unfold and was slightly confused as to how this was designed to be entertaining. He soon realised after the performer came back to his original position that he had in fact been robbed. Approaching him Rex tried to ease the blow, “Sorry mate but emmmmmm I think you’ve been robbed.” All respect to the guy he didn’t break character he just stared at Rex and then walked off.

All I can think about is the poor sod busting his ass as a statue for 8 hours then his hard earned pittance being used as some junkies nightly smack hit.

But come on does it really matter? It’s not like it’s his full time job…unless it is then I’m sorry for being so insensitive.

Mr Bison

Fringe 2

2008-08-03T17:45:00.003+01:00

We are staying quite close to an area know as the pubic triangle as it has 3 strip bars in certain locations that may or may not be shaped like a flange. I am happy to say that in all my years i have never sent foot in them as they scare the fuck out of me. One is named after William Burke and William Hare the famous Murdering Duo that would chibb ya then sell your body to the Edinburgh Medical Collage. I mean can you imagine what those sick bastard students did with those poor souls after they were brutally murdered.

S0 why oh why would you go to a lap dancing bar named after those 2...in all fairness though you walk in pay whatever and leave with a fresh stiff...they should have named it The Dr Knox Lap dancing Bar.

Any way on Friday i see a sign outside one of the bars that stares "Lap dances £5." Wow that's a good price for a pair of tits in your face I thought, but we were all busy and had work to do so I let what is be for the time being.

As I was walking down to the grass market on Sunday afternoon (the real start of the fringe) I look over and see that the sign has now changed to £10!!!!!! A 100% jump in price over the course of a day what a shock to the system i mean come on folks were in the middle of a credit crunch here.

I mean come on Sunday afternoon not like it’s the only day of the week guys can actually go and enjoy a pair of strangers tits being rubbed in there face…you can’t even buy booze in Asda until Noon but you can get a dry hump to pass the time if you want.

Mr Bison

Fringe 1

2008-08-02T23:45:00.001+01:00

Well here it is folks the highlight of my year THE FRINGE!!!! This is now my 8th year coming through and I love it to bits. It’s an opportunity to be ripped off on a whole new level by people who have had years of practice, as prices for the things we take for granted go through the roof.

I have my laptop and while looking for an silly bugger who doesn’t have an unsecured I find that technology is the perfect opportunity for the nerds of the world to put in all there little sad in jokes. As I scan through the endless list of connections one is very proudly marked “Malfoy” as in Harry Potter’s enemy at school. I mean that’s just odd, why would you want to be that character? That shows this person has a real low self image, pick a main character at least. If I met I guy who thought he was Jesus I would have a lot of respect for them as you can’t get better than that, he’s top dog in the “people you really want to be,” list.

But who the fuck wants to be the evil bungling kid from Harry Potter that’s not bad ass at all, beef yourself up a bit. Get a good nickname like one that hints you have a big cock, you won’t be able to keep it indefinitely though, eventually women will get wise but by that time you will have picked up enough sex tips to get a good reputation based on your own accomplishments.

I wonder if people with low self esteem masturbate. Isn’t that a kind of contradiction in terms if they do? Learning to love yourself is the first way to get others to follow suit I always say.

Anyway thanks Malfoy

Mr Bison

Stalker

2008-07-21T18:35:00.004+01:00

You, You Yes You I'm Talking To You

Ladies and Gents there is a really creepy guy sitting in his flat right now doing horrid horrid things while reading my and my lawyers blog. He even went to the trouble of bookmarking my blog for ease of use...sickening.

I bet he even gets some kind of sick pleasure that I have acknowledged him on the blog makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Of course I will have to give him a name to live on the blog...I'm going for Rex. I wish him all the luck in the world in trying to cut my fingers off and eating them but I doubt he has the stomach for it.

Mr Bison

Non Stop

2008-07-19T08:37:00.002+01:00

Sorry folks

I've been working non stop since returning from my course as I have my Uni course work due in as well as a work based assignment and of course the fringe is in 2 weeks time.

Today is my Lawyers Annual Birthday BBQ so I'm sure there will be some great stories from that.

For a guy who isn't really well liked I go a long way to make people happy. Keep a look out though and ask yourself if you could ask Jessica Rabbit one question what would it be...there is a story behind this but it wont be for a few more months.

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 3

2008-07-11T18:35:00.001+01:00

And that's it folks I am now at home after traveling 6 hours trough the worse traffic in the country and totally bummed out that on Monday I will be back at work and I wont hear or speak to any of the wonderful people I met.

So lets summarise what I took away from the 4 days in paradise...

6 new types of soup tried and loved (no more room for red soup in my cupboard now)
120 cups of tea drank
10 hot chocolates
I have eaten more green things in the last 4 days than I have in the last 4 years
17 new friends each one an inspiration to know
134 hilarious stories that I hopefully will never forget
A very cute red head took great pleasure in squeezing my massive calf muscles
A feeling of enormous self worth

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 2

2008-07-10T17:25:00.002+01:00

Well sadly today I have came back to my room not as happy as I was yesterday after my course. The tasks were again my kind of thing but I got really angry when something I understood and could do easily...I couldn't do in a team dynamic. Sadly this was the point of the exercise and the whole reason I am down here.

In all my years I have aways have had difficulty in trusting others enough to let them get on with things and even the things I do delegate out I always check which again is time out of my day that I shouldn't be wasting.

Sadly I found the constant inability to complete the tasks successfully pushed me over the edge and I lost my temper which I am really regretting now. I guess they were right you can only hide your core values for a little bit but its things like this that bring them out.

Not very proud of myself

Mr Bison

Manager Bison 1

2008-07-09T18:33:00.003+01:00

Mr Bison is off to the country today on a little management course to help the day to day hassle and bustle of the office.

As I thought I kick ass at this kind of thing, I have no real set styles of working I can plan to the Nth degree and do things off the cuff just as easily.

I was once told by one of my bosses that although I'm technically competent at anything I am doing i am lacking in overall management skills. Now sitting hear after my first day all I can think is...what a load of balls. I kick ass at giving orders and working with people while at the same time can still kick ass at being great myself. I've got management in my blood and I know my leadership skills are the kind that get the job done right first time.

Also the place is rampant with good looking strong independent women who like to take control of a situation...so that aint to bad.

Mr Bison

Lean on me...for an hour but then i have to go

2008-07-06T13:33:00.004+01:00

Today, although I am slightly down, I am smiling because I'm spending time with a great lass. Shes my second favorite English Girl (the first being Auntie Bison) she comes up to Scotland about 4 times a year as her capacity as model and all round great gal.

Other than that we don't speak much, but no matter how long it's been no matter what has happened over the long months she always greets me with a huge smile and a hug that could cripple a bear. She was the first girl that taught me that slow hands gets the best relsults...a lesson i now use out side the studio as well.

My fav thing about her is that she loves my taste in music (something odd about that statement I know) and always wants to take away some CD's when we part. I often get told that people will remember me whenever they hear a song on the radio oddly enough it's never the same song from person to person some people think of "If I had a million dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies. Someone else thinks of "Place your hands" by reef...but my English Rose always thinks about when she hears "Pump It" by the Black Eyed Peas ;-) The song was track one off there second album and I loved it before it was released as a single so I put it on a CD for a shoot and she asked me about it. I did my boring thing and explained the whole thing note by note...but I was pleased to hear from here a few months later that the song was played on the radio for the first time and she instantly thought of me.

Where is the Scottish version of her that's what I want to know...hopefully she will find time to read this and smile happily knowing that theres always a place for her up North (the good North that is).

Mr Bison

Bar Wars

2008-06-29T16:25:00.003+01:00

And people think that the Scottish are cheap listen to this one.

My favorite haunt when in Dubai is a little place called Waxy O'Connors. Its like the one in Glasgow except its pitch black and the music is deafening. Two things I can really get into, I'll tell you a night time story in another blog but this one concerns Friday Brunch.

It's a real Ex-Pat place and on a Friday (the beginning of the weekend) they do a very nice Brunch...old the old English fav's. Yorkshire Puds, beef and roast potatoes...and all the bread and butter you can handle.

They also do a great deal on a Friday (in an effort to attract people in for the whole night) they offer a deal on drinks. Five drink tickets for 55 Dhs, which is less that Two pounds a drink very good especially for a dry Emirate. At one of these all day drinking sessions I was told about a very, very tight cooperate executive who no one really liked. You the kind turns up with you and your work mates and just makes the night uncomfortable. Well imagine that in a land full of booze and hot foreign women and not a Wedding Ring in sight, your trying to have a good time and behave and theres Sir Jeff grouping 2 Lebanese women while tapping you for a fag and telling you to refill his champagne glass.

So...the guys are out having a good time and along comes Sir Jeff wanting in on the action. He tries to be fly and wants to get a round in before the tickets stop being sold so he buys 20 tickets and heads to the bar. The deal ends at 6pm and by the time he's seen to it's 6:15pm so they wont take them no matter how much he shouts at the bartender. Reluctantly he coughs up the cost of the drinks and kicks himself for the rest of the night.

Not to worry he thinks I'll just come down early next week and buy the first round and then I can get free drinks the rest of the night...so he heads down early wait for everyone to arrive then announces that he will get the next round out of his own pocket...what a guy.

He walks up to the bar places the order and presents his tickets to the bartender only to be told, "These are last weeks."

"What? No way you don't change the tickets every week?"

"Yeah. We change the colour every week this week it's powder blue, you have last weeks mint green," the bartender explained. As they were fed up people stockpiling tickets and coming in whenever they want and drinking at a discount. Object of the game is to get them in the bar and get them to drunk for them to move onto another bar.

Stuck paying for another round of drinks Sir Jeff is not best pleased. Legend has it he still goes in every week waiting...praying for the day that they run out of colours and are forced to use mint green again.

Mr Bison

Window Pain

2008-06-28T23:57:00.002+01:00

So me and Colonel James are heading off after another failed night bowling (beaten by 4 pins choked on the last frame again). While driving out of the car park the Colonel spotted another of our chums and decided to attract his attention.

Rather than rolling down the window like a normal person he proceeded chap the window whacking it with wedding ring to the sound of my shouting in his ear about what a tool he was.

"Oh sorry mate I forgot I was married." A statement I was then told I was not allowed to mention to Mrs James

Mr Bison

Suck or Lick?

2008-06-24T21:30:00.004+01:00

Being out of the dating loop for so long I often check in with Little Annie to see whats new. Last time we met we were discussing the finer points of the art of pleasuring a man with your mouth. I told her that I always like it when the girl sucks on my balls when she does it.

She explained that there was a huge difference between how interested a girl is in you by one very important factor.

"I'll only suck a guys balls if I really like him any other times I'll just lick them," she explained.

So there you are the difference been true love and the rest...if she is willing to put your plums in her mouth then your onto a winner. If she gives you one coat then I would get back to drawing board.

Mr Bison

NHS Direct out the door

2008-06-23T21:46:00.002+01:00

OK folks Mr Bison has had a little bit of a health scare and of course the only way for me to cope is to of course make fun of the situation.

I was told I have an extremely rare condition...this shocked me and I freaked out and refused to listen to anymore.

After reading up on it for a week I decided perhaps he was right. Now the reading material is not pleasant, all signs point to the fact, that although its not fatal most people who have it wish it was and theres no cure and it will get worse over time. The thought of living my life in constant and agonising pain really didn't appeal to me. But I thought ignoring it wasn't the best thing to do so i went back to see my Doc.

I apologised for my behaviour last time and asked him to run me through what the stages were and what can be done these days.

Doc - "Take these pills along with these pills and you'll be fine in 2 weeks."

Bison - "I'm Sorry? 2 weeks? The medical websites said there was no cure."

Doc - "Nah. Take these pills 2 weeks you'll be fine."

Bison - "You sure Doc? I mean you can't be 100% sure it will work."

Doc - "Yes I can! Just get enough of the stuff in your body the pain will settle."

Bison - "Oh I get it I'll be popping pills the rest of my life?"

Doc - "No Just the next 2 weeks then you won't need to."

Bison - "So I'm fine? I'm not going to get worse?"

Doc - "No you will be fine in 2 weeks..."

Bison - "emmmmm thank you?"

It's really hard to be pessimistic when the professional in the room is so sure that hes right. But I mean come on whats he going to say in 2 weeks time if I'm no better? Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Mr Bison

Crash

2008-06-20T19:18:00.002+01:00

This is the first time I have ever, ever came close to wreaking my car but trust me if you were in the car with me you wouldn't have minded.

I'm just about to pull into my street, so I begin to slow to down and indicate when this vision of a woman comes taring round the corner on foot with a huge bag in one hand. Shes wearing a Summer dress and is running full pelt down the road looking over her shoulder every few seconds.

Now scenes like this aren't that uncommon in life but when the heroine has huge EE breasts the scene is allot more additive. The speed she was going they were bouncing everywhere I literary had to stop the car in case I crashed it!!!!! She didn't slow down for a second she just kept running right down the street.

It was like an Angel running past giving me the purest form of happiness and then leaving, letting me know that there is something out there I just have to keep the faith.

Mr Bison

Unwinding with the Bison

2008-06-19T19:31:00.004+01:00

I have developed at very expensive habit, and it's very very addictive. Not allot of people probably know about this I discovered it parley by accident and it's something that was very big as far back as 1894.

Every night after I come come from work tried and sore I go to the fridge and take out a nice cold bottle of very expensive Coca Cola! Something about popping open the bottle cap and just letting the cold air drift out for a few seconds, even taking a deep breath of it in is intoxicating. Then it's time for the taste, and Coke out the bottle is something sweet let me tell you.

For the first few seconds it's bliss, it's like all your worries and troubles just flow into the bottle as you take a drink. Once you start you can't stop you want to hold that feeling for as long as you can gulp after gulp.

At 85 pence a bottle you can see why I'm regretting getting hooked.

Mr Bison

The Psychic Enemy

2008-06-16T20:39:00.004+01:00

OK here's another thing to remember about the Cow Conspiracy. You know the saying that if Cows lie down its going to rain? Or that if they are all spread out in a field it will be a clear day?

What I want to know is who the fuck gave these sneaky cows the psychic powers and if they can predict the weather then who knows what else they can down with there superior minds. Telekinesis? Mind control? There the real, "Children of The Corn," man you drop your guard for one minute next thing you know your pitch forking yourself.

I mean we need multi million pound machines to predict the weather for us, cows in a field doing it by instinct what chance do we have.

Not only that did you know June is National Dairy Month...I mean come on with all the months it could be why give a month to the glorification of cows and what comes out them. All I know is I'll be keeping my head down till July.

Stay Scared
Mr Bison

Mr Smith Goes Down Under

2008-06-15T11:00:00.002+01:00

This one has a little Father's Day side to it.

As a child of economics I have several Fathers, my dad for one and of course the founding Father, Adam Smith. Economics has always been around, you know that old joke about prostitution being the oldest profession? Well the way I see it without Economists there wouldn't even be a system of supply and demand in the sex industry to allow them to operate. Please note i am in no way saying that Economists pay for sex...or indeed that killing all Economists would stamp out the vice trade once and for all in the world, its just an observation.

Anyway why am I comparing hookers and great Economists in the same blog you may well ask? If you didn't already guess I'm an avid photographer and from time to time I look through other peoples folios online (please note this is not the same as looking at porn on line...you don't get to see as much). One picture I have just seen is a tight angel crop of a woman's pelvic region. Where a woman is wearing a G-String and a fancy French style garter belt, all well and above board so far. However, protruding from the top of this garter belt is the top of a Bank of England £20 note.

Here's the twist folks for those who never look at foreign currency except when holidaying in Blackpool. A few years ago the Bank Of England bestowed a great honour allowing the first Scotsman too appear on an English note and of course what fitting tribute to one of the greatest contributors to the Political Economy than Adam Smith himself. Along with an illustration explaining his theory in the the "Division of Labour in pin manufacturing." A great example of free thought and continuous improvement to something as ordinary as making pins.

Now imagine my shock upon the thought of Adam Smith's (one of history's greatest minds) face being tucked neatly into some strippers nether regions!!! Up and down the country this horrible practice is going on in strip clubs Adam Smith must be spinning in his grave at the thought of it.

I just hope all you ladies know what and honour it is to have such a famous face tucked away in your knickers.My only solace is that it is a fitting tribute to Mans Demand for Boobs, and its impact on the Supply of Boobs.

The graph below shows what can happen in the area of Supply and Demand of Boobs.

If the price is set at £10 then we will find an over demand for boobs that will not be filled at this price. If the price is set at £15 then we will see a demand shortfall and flooding of boobs in the market.

We can see from this graph that the market for boobs reaches Equilibrium at £12. At £12 there is no excess demand or supply for boobs. So through Smiths thinking the invisible hand of Economics will fondle the price of boobs until it reaches a satisfactory point.

Mr Bison

Internet Dating For The Discerning Nut Job

2008-06-13T17:06:00.004+01:00

Talking to my sister just now she suggested that I tried Internet Dating (something which everyone suggests I do) its amazing the amount of people who are doing well with Internet dating while at the same time I haven't met any of them as there like the ultimate urban legend. "Oh you should try it my brother met his girlfriend through the Internet and now they have a double caravan in Inverness." Jeez like you don't feel like a total loser that people are suggesting this to you they have to put a cheery like that on top of it.

So Sis tells me that's theres loads of free Internet dating sites I could try...like its the cost that's putting me off from finding true love. In fact I wouldn't even go to those one's, the way I see it keep away from the free ones you need to go to the most expensive ones. This way the real cheapo nutcases will be weeded out leaving only the psycho that have some sort of income coming in.

Bottom line I still haven't decided to go down that road yet and I hope that sooner rather than later I can turn to some poor sod and say "Hey man you should try Internet dating my friend met his wife though that and now they have a lucrative career in the pron industry."

Mr Bison

Worried Looks

2008-06-09T22:03:00.002+01:00

One of the reasons I started blogging was that my lawyer was doing it. In an effort to try and best my social betters I of course tried to do the same.

There is only one thing that worries me about my lawyer and that is the fact he has a tendency to stalk a certain comedian whenever he was a spare minute. He even boasts about it on his blog and that slightly freaks me out. I mean this is the guy who I trust more than anyone in the world and he has on numerous occasions verbally harassed a some what celebrity.

Going to the Fringe every year only fuels his obsession i imagine him in the audience of the poor mans shows thinking what it would be like to wear his skin and walk around pretending to be him. I don't mean little harmless idolisation he has actually approached him several times in public settings and most likely freaked him out with his crazy ramblings.

I often wonder if being around him is wise, the guy knows what my lawyer looks like and I doubt he has many other stalkers, we could be out after the show one night run into him and next thing we know we are getting forcibly ejected from the venue with our Fringe passes shoved up our arse's.

Of course he would take this as a mark of honour as he walks around showing everyone the bruises. I don't even think the guy is that funny!

Mr Bison

Update

2008-06-05T15:48:00.003+01:00

Sorry I haven't been around much folks not been my tip top Bison self since June rolled into town, but I'm doing a bit better so here's me getting back into the swing as it were.

Since doing my top 500 song list I have had...

No major record labels asking me to join there staff as a talent scout.

No bands have been calling the house to try and bargain there position with offers cheap young groupies and hard drugs.

No women have found the fact I have sorted my top 500 songs into a definitive list a sexual turn on (especially since there's no Justin Timberlake songs in it)

I have however...

Started my Uni course and it is going great with a full cast of characters to amuse me on a weekly basis.

Rehearsals have started for my Fringe show I'm still not 100% but hopefully with some R & R I will get my acting hat on straight.

Work is still tough going but I can still WOW the big wigs when I need to...today I WOWED one of the SMT by naming the band that were currently on the radio (Boston-More Than A Feeling number 83 on the list.) Popular song but not allot of people my age could name the band.

Won the Lotto twice one week after the other so going for a hat trick this Saturday

OK folks need to get going take care I'll see you all soon
Mr Bison

I Don't Work Here!

2008-06-01T10:30:00.006+01:00

After yesterdays Dog Show me and Del Boy had to stop by B & Q for wood and of course an opportunity for him to buy whatever gadgets they have just brought in. It seems to me that this man cannot go a day without buying some modern miracle that will make his life easier or more entertaining. The top purchase of the day was an air cooling system that you simply add water to and it will blast out cold air lowering the room temperature (and yesterday was a great day to buy one as I am still feeling warm).

This part of the story is something that has always haunted me whenever I go out, right not I'm wearing a green and black long sleeve jumper that says flying something or other. I can't wear this when I go to Asdas as people will more often than not come up and ask where the bunion cream is. I used to think this might be because i look like I have bunions...but no people actually think I work there. How is that possible? Do people just see colours and think he looks like a dosser who doesn't want to be here...he must work here? No! I look like a dosser because I don't see why I need to dress to impress buying loo rolls and I'm carrying a basket!

Anyway this isn't the only place this happens I have been mistaken for a bouncer numerous times in my youth and once bizarrely a police man (this was during the day and the guy was very very drunk). Computer shops, art stores you name it people think I work there. I'm waiting for one day a manger comes out shouting at me for my untidy appearance and tells me to get back to work or I'm fired.

This time we are in B & Q standing next to the wood piling it up in my arms when a man starts shout propane at me from the end of the aisle. Confused, I shouted back to see what he wanted for all I knew he worked there and there was a propane leak and we had to run for our lives. But no it was a punter who thought cause we were dressed in black that we worked there. I explained the man’s mistake and sent him on his way.

If that wasn't bad enough a second person approaches us asking if we knew anything about PVC doors. "Are these screws alright for putting in the doors"? Before I could say anything Del Boy says "Aye mate they will be fine you won't go wrong with them". The Man then walks off happy...Del Boy then says you might as well help them out of you can. I mean technically the guy never asked if we worked there he could have just been asking for someone’s advice.

Me on the other hand I'm going to get a big T Shirt that simply says "It's My Day Off" written on it hopefully people will get the message.

Mr Bison

The Big List

2008-05-31T08:00:00.006+01:00

Mr Bison's Top 500 Songs Of All Time List Click Link Below
http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pDRInZTH7Mr9qeDFuhZ3LJg

OK folks this one comes to you bright and early as you are reading this I will be off taking pictures of some very large dogs known as Boerboel, and I'm sure I will pick up a few funny tails from this trip.

But here it is folks its the only way I could get it on the site i wanted to make it a down-loadable file but the link will have to do i guess. Feel free to peruse the list if you fancy and shout about my choices as with most things in life its all very controversial.

However, I'll just be kicking my feet up listening to some T Rex and contemplating this little bit of information I just picked up. Marc Bolan died in a car crash two weeks before his 30th birthday, having never learned to drive a car, and was known to fear them for he had visions all his life of dying in a car crash (references to which appear in some of his lyrics).

But of course if you spend your time worrying about car crashes chances are you would end up in one. Not Sods Law really just that kind of mentality would freak out anyone enough for them to panic behind the wheel. Any way drive safe boys and girls and I'll leave you with my fav lyric of all time "Well! You don't pull my strings, cause I'm a better man, moving onto better things".

Mr Bison

Finish Line

2008-05-26T18:48:00.004+01:00

That's it folks I have selected the top 500 songs for the list all I need to do now is check for doubler's and sort the listings. I'll give you one clue and that's the last song I entered was "Let's get It On" by Marvin Gaye.

All I can say is that the last 9 songs were real tough to get on paper as scrawled through the back catalog with my back hunched up over the keyboard it feels so good to stretch.

Also I am slightly worried that I might never want to hear another tune again after all this...but then again I do like to rock!

I also got my confirmation later in from the Uni (again) and i have to post something back to them (again) so much paper work to get through but hey that's the life I have chosen.

Stay tuned for the final listing that will be posted this Saturday either as a downloadable Doc or something else I'm not sure how I will do it but I'll let you know.

Mr Bison

Euro Pish

2008-05-25T11:00:00.002+01:00

I hate the Eurovision song contest with a passion, but every year my lawyer and his wife ask me to attend. Of course I hate missing a party and I love my friends so I head off, since I'm the UK I pick up a bottle of Bucks Fizz (see smarter than your average bear) and some fritters (cause I like them and they were 2 for one in asda so I'm having them for tea tonight).

Now this week has been a great week and everyone agrees I've been on top form with all my stories and crazy antics. But last night I just couldn't catch a break I mean there's nothing funny about watching crap bands dance about and then argue because all the Eastern Bloc countries vote for each other.

The only reason the UK ever won in the old days is cause there wasn't that many countries in the fucking thing. Now all we do is complain that these new countries keep doing us up the ass. All I can say is who cares there's no shame in throwing a huff if you don't get your way. What I don't get is how come no real bands or singers enter this any more? (If they ever did).

I can't wait till Scotland gets there own entry I mean we rock in every way. Anyway its all over with now just got home and i have only 30 more songs and my great work will be finished.

Mr Bison

How to lose your stalker in 10 days

2008-05-23T18:06:00.004+01:00

OK something for the weekend, this one is another story about Del Boy and his mad cap life. During his day to day running of a pub he often books speciality nights to attract the crowds. One such night for those who like that kind of thing is the good old Scottish tradition of someone lying to you while either reading your palm, looking at picture cards, staring into a ball of some kind and my personal fave conversing with your dead relatives (which I sort of believe cause lets face it Scottish families love to interfere with your life why should death stop them).

He told me that after this particular Palm reading he will never go near another one ever again. During the course of the read the Palm reader stops and tells him she can't continue the reading. Oh gosh how intriguing...Del Boy being this way inclined he demanded to know what she was with holding. I mean its his future, what right has this chick got to keep him in the dark. After much persuasion she agrees and takes him away into another room away from the other punters, to lay on him his unspeakable truth.

"According to this line here...you haven't met your true love yet," she says whilst stoking his hand gently.

"Oh really?" Del says because lets face it to go through all that nonsense she might have a point perhaps she will give him a clue to finding his soul mate, what a nice woman to do that.

"That's what it says you haven't found your one true love...can I be your one to true love?" At which point it becomes very clear that hes in a room alone with a woman who is basically using her powers to trick him into shagging her. He of course told her to get lost as he is a respectable married man. What he forgot was she knew where he worked and all his contact details as well...and proceeded to stalk him in a very bizarre manner. I mean how can you get rid of someone who screams, "I'm your destiny! Were meant to be together it's in the stars." I mean that's real commitment you can't just shake that off like a bad cold.

My favorite attempt to bed him was an invite up North to join some kind of naked grope fest next to some mystical stones. So lads keep this in mind sometimes the freaky cool chicks really aren't that cool after all...especially when it involves massaging other people who you haven't met.

Mr Bison

Songs Update

2008-05-20T20:12:00.003+01:00

Only 150 spaces left but time is running out for Mr Bison I wanted to leave some time to review the positions of my choices as even now I haven't decided what my top 5 songs will be.

I have been through all my tunes and then started going through my mates tunes only to get into some really big fights so lets just set the record straight.

1) NO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE I don't care if he did shag Cameran Diaz he isn't getting on the list.

2) Yes I have 2 Robbie songs on the list, this does not make my first point any less valid

3) I know some of the songs aren't sung by the original artists I like the covers better OK.

4) I do so have a life

5) You can't have to many Beach Boys/Kinks songs

6) Yes some of the picks are in there because the videos kick ass, presentation is 10% of your total mark don't forget

Mr Bison

Pearls Of Wisdom

2008-05-18T23:06:00.002+01:00

OK folks as you may have noticed I have put up some warning signs for readers of a sensitive nature. Mr Bison is going blue I'm afraid, I will try my best to keep it as classy as possible but I am finding it hard to keep these blogs clean.

So lets kick things off with a story a mate of mine told me a few years ago, please note all names are totally fake as I promised never to mention this story ever and if she reads it she may not speak to me ever again. Sorry kiddo but its just to good a story not to tell.

The thought of someone not familiar with some of the sexual terms we use these days seems so foreign to me especially when you think of the damage "Sex and The City" has done to the women of the world.

Anyway this story revolves around a very naive girl and the very common phrase of a Pearl Necklace! My friend and her partner were enjoying the blessing of youth and as it goes our male protagonist proceeds to bless our heroines neck in the manner previously stated. This being her first time he proceeds to tell her that she is now the proud owner of her first Pearl Necklace.

Being slightly naive she then goes about with a little spring in her step, knowing that such an act is quite unorthodox and would be frowned upon by others makes it all the more fun. However, what is the most exciting though about this is that she thinks she is the one and only person ever to be told of this little saying...and there in lies the turn. As they stood waiting for a bus surrounded by other commuters and feeling quite randy (safe in the knowledge that no one could ever break this code) she blurts out, "Babes! When we get home can you give me a Pearl Necklace again?" To the amusement of most of hr fellow commuters who I only hope and pray pointed and laughed at her all the way home...and then proceed to tell there friends and family of the woman who enjoys the finer things in life far to much.

God bless you girl
Mr Bison

Dating Do's and Don'ts

2008-05-17T13:58:00.000+01:00

I've not been single forever you know, I am quite charming in my own shy and reclusive ways. As it stands at the moment I am still considered quite funny by most of the people who love me (other than my mum and dad which is what I consider the control group. I mean they have to love you but they don't have to find your stories about work pattern analysis at all amusing).

A little while back I met this woman who really made me feel like a new man. I thought about her today as Tiny Dancer was playing as I drove home from work (not unremarkable as it was a CD I made up myself but you know it always surprises me when it comes around).

We knew each other for a little bit before hand and you could say we were mates, so through the course of things I found out that she was a Harry Potter fan but was upset because she didn't have anyone to go with. Me being me I of course stepped in to help her out of her social Potter conundrum. I didn't think of it as a pity date she made me laugh and I liked hanging out with her.

So we met up and grabbed a Big Mac before the show, of course me being me I didn't want to spring for high priced cinema goodies so we nipped into Asdas to stock up some cheap snacks. A good little mix of chocolate and wine gums you know what I mean you never know what you will feel like. She pays for the snacks and I pay for the tickets (most who know me know I will always pay for everything I'm far to old fashioned) and we head for the show.

At some point I must have gotten nervous as I soon realised that perhaps this inst just a friend's outing that I should have perhaps rethought my game plan. Of course when I get nervous I just shove anything into my face and about and hour I i started to feel a little groggy. Pretty soon after I started to feel really really sick. Now this is slightly bad I can't just leave her in the cinema she was enjoying the film. Then the sweats start up all I can imagine is getting outside into the cool air.

Finally Potter gets some baws and saves the day while crying at the same time now I just have to make it to the car and I should be fine. I needed to cut the evening short and get away before I threw up on the lass. We got outside I walked her to her car and this is the bit that will haunt me forever, she leaned in for the kiss...and I just couldn't. I couldn't even hug her, I left her hanging at 11pm in the cinema car park thinking "What a tool!!!!!!!". You know she was right...if i have learned one thing about dating never ever ever stuff your face with junk food. I mean I might as well got hammered and started falling about the place.

That one will always make me cringe.
Mr Bison

Emotional Tribute

2008-05-15T19:07:00.000+01:00

No Blog today, just a quick note to commemorate the passing of a great man.

I am not in any way a football fan of any kind but today I was deeply sadden by the death of Tommy Burns, Player/Coach/Manager and a Remarkable Human Being.

Tommy Burns

16 December 1956 – 15 May 2008

Unlocked In Limbo

2008-05-14T21:09:00.000+01:00

Here is the flip side on the recent events regarding the only entrance and exit to my flat. Now I cant lock the fucking door. Something which I discovered last night but ignored and somehow thought that time might fix everything. That's when I realised that the lock on the door is just an object not a love sick teenager.

Now I can't go to work in case someone breaks in I doubt my insurance company will be to happy about the whole situation. It will cost a fortune for to call a locksmith or a joiner to come out plus I don't know any that would come out on such short notice. Also I will now have to work Saturday to cover the hours I'm missing today. It was such a great week as well somethings just happen I guess.

So what to do? Lucky for me my dad has taught me well...can of WD40 will solve most problems

Please note this was written after the fact and the door has now been fixed so don't bother trying to rob me.

Mr Bison

The Magic Box That Owns You

2008-05-14T00:03:00.001+01:00

I love technology it amazes me how the saddos of the world will go to the ends of the earth to make life easier for themselves. Nothing against it we all do it, people who are skilled with there hands will create and DIY everything in there house so that the little inconveniences are kept to a minimum, e.g fixing the door of the fridge so that it opens the way you want it (something I really need to do).

Of course some of these ideas are business driven the example I have in mind now is Pizza Deliveries. Ever had a party at your house and called in a pizza order only to realise you have no cash in the house as you blew it all on booze in your local off licence 2 hours before? I never carry cash with me at all to me currency is dead (shocking thing to say since one of my favorite Economic Heroes is John Law). So takeaway things I don't go for based on this social awkwardness. Now of course you can order your pizza online and even pay for it to me that's just efficiency at its most efficient.

Such a good idea as well that its amazing how I never thought of it myself, its designed for single guys the whole system...single guys eat pizza, single guys are either workaholic/sad online gamers or avid porn enthusiast's (or all 3 I mean even men can multitask when it comes to naked women and World Of Warcraft). So you can be checking through your favorite hardcore sex site and decide "man all this porn is making me hungry." Bada Bing Bada Boom some multi tasking later you can be eating some greasy cheese covered pizza dish.

Lucky for me I'm so lazy it hasn't came to that yet but I dread the day.

Mr Bison

Perfect 10...plus 10

2008-05-12T23:03:00.000+01:00

Well I did it you may thing i'm as dumb as a bag of hammers based on my spelling and grammer mistakes but I kick ass at being a total dork.

Only took me 3 months but I got a perfect 20 on my brain age and its holding steady.

How i'm still single I will never know.

Morning After

2008-05-11T16:12:00.000+01:00

Well this is a late blog as I spent most of the morning on my lawyers sofa holding me head and crying. As you may have guessed last nights read through was a great success with allot of laughs and once the scripts were away we began to party down. I didn't plan on drinking but I wanted to show team spirit so I got tanked off my ass.

The cast are looking great with some new faces and some old standards so that's not bad. Since I was staying over I was last man standing sadly if had known who bad I would feel this morning I would have not stood till 4am talking pish and telling the last remaining people how much I love them and how they have changed my life.

Woke up at 8am on the living room floor with my head trying to bust out of my ears. I was so ill I couldn't even eat anything until 2pm today. Of course I have sworn off drinking ever again from now until the end of time. Also I feel I may have been a little bit to loose with the old chat at the end of the night...dark, dark secrets that I really should keep to myself.

Mr Bison

Little Break

2008-05-11T03:03:00.000+01:00

I'm taking a break from the 500 Songs to work on a new project, I was the victim of a horrible incident yesterday. I bought a tube of a certain type of confectionery yesterday at work (I wont name it for legal reasons). While eating said product I nearly choked on what can only be called a rock solid candy treat (but without the treat part).

Lucky for me I always chew my candy treats and upon finding one that was solid I spat it out post haste. So I think I deserve something for the stress of the whole incident. I have taken some pictures for evidence and I have sworn statements from the people in the office. I'm seeing my lawyer tonight I'll put the case to him see whats best to proceed.

Also is anyone else's toe next to there big toe bigger than there big toe? I haven't noticed before but it looks weired to me. What does it mean if it is bigger? God I get paranoid easily.

Mr Bison

Effective Management

2008-05-08T02:00:00.000+01:00

Here's an advert that gets on my tits, you know the one selling loo roll with the baby as the boss running about the office being a baby and everyone else just has to get on with there job.

My biggest concern is how much this advert is actually mimicking real life office situations...you know what I mean you bust your ass all day for a boss who turns up late and needs his nappy changed all the time.

My latest grievance is the one where the young assistant comes into the office to be horrified at the sight of his boss with his lunch all over his face. Being the good assistant he is he proceeds to tell the boss he has something on his face. When asked for clarification he repeats that it is pretty much ALL OVER HIS FACE.

Then the boss coldly says, "your fired", and the young hard working assistant turns to leave while the sappy music plays over his sorry now unemployed ass...as in Ha that will teach ya you young up and comer.

I mean come on how on earth can you let that one go it's open and shut, "Ha your sacking me? Over that? Alright fine. I'll see you at the tribunal". Guy wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Mr Bison